


The Reconstruction of Mayhem

by Denyce



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-18
Updated: 2010-09-18
Packaged: 2017-10-11 23:05:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 43,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/118142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denyce/pseuds/Denyce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chad centric. Chad's lived his entire life with secrets, including the denial of his sexual identity. Now, whether it's because the stars have aligned or he's run out of luck, Chad thinks he's lost everything and everyone. Chad is forced to take a journey of self-discovery, and learns that sometimes you need to take a big step back before you can start taking steps forward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reconstruction of Mayhem

**Author's Note:**

> Pairings: Chad/Hilarie, Chad/Jared, Chad/Jensen, Jared/Jensen, Chad/OMC, and Chad/Jeff with mentions of: Chad/Sophia, Chad/Kenzie. Het, Slash/pre-slash, denial of sexual identity, unrequited love, spanking, mentions of child abuse/sexual abuse, non-con/rape, mentions of child abandonment/child neglect and alcoholism. Disclaimer: Not real, COMPLETE FICTION—I have no clue, or any real knowledge, of any actor's private personal life!!

[](http://s672.photobucket.com/albums/vv85/denyce45/TROM%20art/?action=view&current=rpf_banner_3-1.png)

Banner art was created by the wonderfully patient and talented lj user: ragingquiet26 The prettiness kills in a very delicious way ;)

*~*~*~*

Nearly breathless, Peyton popped out from under the covers, her hair thoroughly mussed. Panting for breath, she dramatically laid back, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment, she looked to the lump next to her with a grin and swished the sheet and blankets back to reveal Lucas. Their eyes locked. He slowly licked his lips, overly pleased. Moving, she stretched out on her side beside him, with one hand propping her head up, to easily gaze down his body. Her other hand brushed over his chest, traveling down until it reached the blankets bunched around his waist, hiding the rest of him from view. Fingers playing with the sheet, she proclaimed coyly, "That was… that was nice."

Up on his elbows, a brow crooked, his tone almost offended, he asked, "Just nice?"

Unable to keep a straight face, Peyton broke out giggling, "Okay, better than nice…" then pursing her lips in a hopeless attempt to be serious, adding, "But you need to follow rule number seven." She nodded enthusiastically as she quoted, _"Always leave room for improvement."_

"Improvement, huh?"

"Oh yeah," She nodded, and scooted closer, easily climbing up to make herself comfortable on top of Lucas' body. She lowered her voice, huskily whispering, "Think of it as a challenge."

"A challenge?" he repeated, then grinned. "Already do, it's a priority for the rest of my life. To not waste a moment…"

He reached out with one hand, fingers tangled within her hair while his other hand wrapped around her waist to anchor her to him while he rolled until he was on top. His body aligned and slid against her. His grin widened as his length settled in between her legs.

Wide-eyed, her heart thundering in her ears, Hilarie gazed seductively up at Lucas, just as Peyton would do, elated that they were finally together, engaged. But she wasn't Peyton, and though Lucas would be this excited, on the verge of having another round of sex, it wasn't _real_. What was real was the camera focused on them, and Chad's hard length rubbing up in between her legs. They were real.

As he leaned closer, Hilarie felt Peyton's easy smile fade as she started to break character. Silently he dipped closer, and she knew it was Chad not Lucas. His eyes danced mischievously, daring her, demanding that they continue and finish the scene. His lips nibbled hers, his tongue slid out, parting her lips, seeking entrance. She nearly yelped when he rocked his body forward, his hard cock sliding against her thin, slick panties, but as she was about to protest, Chad kissed her hard, swallowing the muffled words.

His body shifted. Under the sheets his hands caressed down her sides, his fingers slithering up to her chest. His palms stretched out, thumbs extended, brushing over the pointed hard nubs of her nipples, his touch igniting sparks throughout her body. Eagerly she arched up, only too aware that everyone would believe it; see it as Peyton's desire and anticipation for Lucas' touch—everyone except Chad. He'd know the truth, know and feel her excitement. The heat of the lights, camera, and people standing around watching them should have hindered her enthusiasm, but it didn't. Instead it heightened her pleasure as Hilarie blindly accepted and reaped the benefits of Peyton's ecstasy. Without thought she spread and lifted her legs to encircle Chad, anchoring him to her body as he continue to rock and rub his cock over her slick center.

Under the blanket her hands traveled along Chad's back down into his boxers: holding, caressing, and encouraging his movements, but she wanted more, so much more. On autopilot, she maneuvered her fingers until they dipped further along Chad's crack… the spell was broken and Paul called out, "Cut. Good job. That's a wrap, people."

Immediately lights were shut off and people started to scatter. In shock, she mentally backpedaled, nearly out of breath, her heart raced wildly as she just lay there. Hilarie squeezed her eyes shut with the childish hope she could wish it all away.

Suddenly Paul was there, clearing his throat before speaking. "That was good, ah, really good… we'll just leave, give you some time to recover." Hilarie didn't need to see his face, to know Paul was smirking. She could honestly say that ninety-eight percent of the time, Dan Scott and Paul were complete polar opposites. Though right now wasn't one of them and if she opened her eyes, she knew she'd be staring up at that two percent that was Dan Scott aka chauvinistic sleaze, and patriarchal resident of One Tree Hill.

Dazed, Hilarie internally shook her head and struggled to get her bearings. Thankfully at least, Chad had stopped grinding into her. Whether that was before, or after Paul dismissed the crew by yelling 'cut,' she honestly couldn't say. Chad hadn't moved away, his body still covered hers, pressing down intimately on top of her.

Hilarie was about to push him away when she became acutely aware of exactly where her hands and fingers were placed, spanned out over Chad's ass, inside his boxer shorts. A few fingers lay precariously just over the edge of his crack, if she moved barely an inch, she knew he'd take it as an invitation.

Her breath halted, overly conscious of the last time she had touched him like this, when she had crossed that line, from friendship to something more, of when she broke her vows.

*~*~*

She had offered to massage a kink out of Chad's back after spending the morning watching him trying to twist a muscle back into place. Ignoring his protests, during their afternoon break Hilarie had dragged him off to her trailer, and then unceremoniously demanded that he strip off his shirt and lay down.

At the time, Hilarie would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that it was spontaneous. Though now, thinking back, she had to admit that was a lie. She wasn't overly conscious of it at the time, but as Chad removed his shirt she'd locked her trailer door, convincing herself that they were rehearsing a scene where she could allow Peyton to come out, and the actions would be Peyton's, not hers.

It was _fucked up_ , Hilarie knew that. She was married, though she was hurt and too angry to care. Things with Ian had gone from rocky to bad, and she was about to make it worse.

She had been on the sidelines watching things fall apart between Chad and Sophia, afraid she and Ian would follow suit. Though Ian wasn't another actor she'd have to share scenes with like Chad and Sophia, Ian was on set every day working as one of One Tree Hill's assistant directors. The tensions on set mounted; every day they watched helplessly throughout Chad and Sophia's separation and annulment, to Chad's engagement to Kenzie. Watching their friends struggle to separate their personal lives from those of their characters. The situation was rough and took its toll on everyone. Enough so that she and Ian had agreed that he should start seeking other directing jobs outside of OTH. Almost immediately Ian had started filming commercials in New York that later involved shooting pilots on the West Coast. At best, it meant having a larger, more expensive cell phone plan, and at worse, it meant working at having a long distance marriage.

Problem was it really wasn't working, which was why she had Chad in her trailer, stripped down to his waist, her fingers working tense knots out of his back.

She could tell herself that one thing had led to another, and honestly though it was a cop out, it was also true. Before she was fully aware of what she was doing, she'd stripped off her own shirt, flipped Chad over and gotten his pants off.

Not that Chad had protested, at least not that she remembered. What Hilarie did remember was her own want and need, fueled with anger. Earlier that morning Ian had called and left a message that he was up for director of a feature film, and needed to stay in LA longer, to hammer out some of the details. It had been two months they'd been apart. It seemed like they'd been playing phone tag forever. Over the last six months no one in their right mind would consider them casual roommates, never mind an actual married couple. On set she started to want what Peyton wanted, at home she felt empty, like she was no longer married. Every day, each scene between her and Chad, playing Peyton and Lucas, was getting more and more difficult to film. Her own desires were starting to bleed through, crossing paths with Peyton's and reminding her that while Chad was here, Ian wasn't.

Almost frantic, she pulled Chad's pants off, no longer lying to herself. This wasn't right, a big part of her knew that, and she hated herself for it. Which was why she avoided looking into Chad's eyes; she didn't want to see any hesitation, regret, or to give either of them a choice. She gripped his boxers, precariously crooked before yanking them down to Chad's ankles. She heard a choked, "Hils…" before she attacked and nipped hard on his hip. At his hiss, Hilarie kissed the mark, her lips running small kisses over the area before moving up toward his scar. Over the years they all had seen it, usually having to wait as make-up worked on covering the jagged incision. Her tongue peeked out and almost reverently lapped over the scar. Her hands moved to hold him down as she felt him buck, and belatedly realized it wasn't in excitement. She heard his panic whine, as he called out, "No!" and moved as if to sit up.

She should have stopped, hell she shouldn't have even started, but she wasn't listening. Instead Hilarie wrapped her fingers around his half-hard cock, stroking him. Immediately she shifted to a better angle, not pausing as she desperately licked Chad's cock and slid her fist up and down. She heard rather than saw the thump as Chad fell backwards, a muffled, _**"oh fuck"**_ barely reaching her ears.

She remembered smiling, thinking she had him, that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. Her tongue swept over his cock before she swallowed the head, her lips pulled tight, sucking hard. She didn't stop to marvel at his size, or to really compare, afraid Chad would get skittish and force her to come to her senses but in her mouth, against her tongue it…he seemed just right. It made it easier, that he was so different from Ian. Ignoring the voice she swallowed and took Chad down as far as she could. Her hands worked furiously in time with her mouth, spreading Chad wider, pushing his knees up, and forcing him to hold them there.

Her lips tightened, sucking hard, and then she let him go with a pop and a slow lick across the head, tasting the clear fluid there. Leaning back on her knees, she took in the sight. Chad was laid out before her, his knees pulled up, clutched tight to his chest. His cock was jutting out, glistening wet from her salvia, his ball sac taut and hung low, hips tilted. Almost getting an excellent view of his hole.

Without thought she slapped at his lower hip and ass, hard enough to leave an imprint. He didn't move, but he also didn't protest, his lips were thinned out and clamped tightly together. She did it again, watching him closely. A desperate moan escaped, his face blushing. She licked her lips at the discovery and then added a bit more force as she swung again. This time he got the message and pulled up on his stretch. A quick glance at him, her grin deepening when she saw Chad had his eyes closed shut. Her fingers reached out, nails dragging up the back of his thighs, then down his inner thighs to his sac.

Hilarie waited, thinking he'd open his eyes, but instead he squeezed them tighter, acknowledging her by extending himself even further, putting himself on display for her. The strain of pulling his knees up showed in his arms. At his obvious compliance, heady with pleasure she started in earnest to rain a series of slaps across each cheek until both were colored deep rose.

Chad started moaning, squirming in pleasure at each firm slap. Whispers of, "Good, you're doing good, hmm lovely, good boy," spilled out of her mouth. As her hand tired she alternated between raking her nails over his skin and then caressing fingers over his opening.

He didn't protest or question her and she didn't stop to question herself.

The pleasure of Chad's submission was dizzying. She hadn't even touched herself, but with every surge of power, aggression and dominance she felt left her body on edge, vibrating, itching to come.

Scooting closer, one hand spread out against the back of Chad's thigh, she added pressure, creating small pulses, pushing forward to force a deeper stretch. Her voice straining with excitement, sounding slightly rough to her own ears, cooed out her encouragement, "Shhh, relax, breathe into it…" Her other hand moved swiftly, fingers stroking teasingly along the periphery of his anus. Under her palm she could feel Chad relaxing, his muscles giving, even as they vibrated to keep and hold his position. Still, he said and did nothing, just whimpered in need.

Satisfied that she could do what she wanted, she trailed the pad of her finger closer, circling his hole. With each sweeping pass she made, she watched mesmerized as the puckered skin winked at her.

Abruptly Hilarie stopped, only glancing up at Chad's mournful whine of, " ** _please_.…"**

Swallowing, she bit back the threat of laughter. Instead, she soothingly petted his inner thigh, then in rapid succession spanked his already burning ass, first the right, then left ass cheek.

Under her fingers she felt Chad's body quiver. His arms straining to hold position, his cock hard, curved up, the head red, glistening wet with pre-come.

It was a sight that had her soaking wet - she wanted to take him, fuck him hard, finger herself, anything to get off, - but something told her to hold off, to see this through, that what Chad was doing, whether he realized it or not, was a gift. It was clear by the glazed stunned look in his eyes that submitting like this wasn't something Chad usually did in the bedroom. Not that she and Ian were that practiced in this particular kind of kink, but when they did play, their roles were reversed; she was always the one in Chad's position. But those were only an occasional weekend fantasy played out - when they actually had weekends.

Thinking of Ian almost dampened her pleasure in seeing Chad spread out like this, but Hilarie knew Ian, that in a different time or place even Ian would appreciate the beauty of Chad's complete submissiveness.

At the thought, she didn't bother to hide the shiver of excitement that raced through her, even after she noticed Chad was staring up at her, silently questioningly, waiting patiently. Teeth raked over her lower lip, her eyes dancing mischievously, then trailing down Chad's body to his heavy cock, pausing before obviously moving down to his hole. An eyebrow lifted as she started to wonder, guessing that, _yes_ , he was probably innocent to anal sex. Her suspicion was silently confirmed as splotches of red rapidly spread out over Chad's body leaving him with almost a full body blush.

Her grin widened into wicked portions. Lifting two fingers to her mouth she swallowed them obscenely. Moving them in and out of her mouth, drooling, and purposely making slurping noises as she continued leaning forward to give Chad an optimum view. Suddenly she pulled her fingers free, purposely creating a graphic popping sound, pleased to see and feel the heat of his eyes on her every move, eager, begging, and waiting for more.

Salvia saturated her fingers, drool messily stringing from lips to fingers. Steadily she kept her eyes on Chad, not wiping the drool away and moved her fingers down toward his hole. Hilarie watched, waiting for him to understand her intent. Just seconds before her fingers reached their destination, he finally understood. Blue eyes widened almost comically, anticipating her touch. She did nothing more than hover, waiting. It was Chad who moved first, his hips rocked up, his want clear.

Slowly, she slicked the area, wet digits circling like she had done earlier. The tip of one finger dipped into the tightly puckered hole. Wigging, circling the tip of her finger, she then pushed deeper. Watching with amazement as his body opened and effortlessly swallowed her finger down. Immediately she pushed in and out a couple of times before adding another finger. Like the first, she felt no resistance.

Hilarie glanced up when she heard Chad's sigh, either in pleasure or relief. She was riveted by the sight above her; his head tipped back, his gaze unfocused before his eyes slid shut, lips moving, but uttering no sound. Almost of their own accord, her fingers started to move.

Only half way in, against the heat of his body, the slickness of her fingers was drying, creating jerking movements. Swiftly Hilarie pulled her fingers out. Chad's eyes snapped open, startled, then questioning, his need and want apparent.

Hilarie stood, smiled reassuringly, her hands at her hips, and then she swiftly unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, shimmed them down her legs and tossed them to the side. Standing in only her panties and bra, she gazed over Chad's body, as he kept his position, his cock pulsing hard between his legs, his hole gaping open.

Giddily Hilarie imagined stretching her foot out, her big toe playing with his hole, pushing inside. She had to shake the image away, disappointed she didn't have lube and that he was too tight and un-prepped for such play.

Even without the mental image she was wet, her panties sopping. Her nipples were hard, pushing against her bra, and still she hadn't even touched herself yet. At this point she wasn't sure it even mattered because she knew that if she'd allow herself she could come just by the sight of Chad being so willingly submissive for her.

Her fingers gathered under her panties, gripping the edge and pushing them down until they fell of their own accord. Panty free she knelt down between Chad's legs, her own legs spread wide.

To get his attention, she held up and wiggled the two fingers of her opposite hand from those she had already inserted inside of him. Then purposely she trailed them down her body, bringing them close to her vagina. Playing, threading through small curls of her pubic hair, inching them down closer to her slick, saturated core.

Biting down hard on her lip, surprising herself, she avoided touching her engorged clit throbbing in need and shoved her fingers hard into her center. Her eyes snapped shut and her pelvis rocked in rhythm to the force she set at fucking herself as she soaked her fingers, and most of her hand.

She was floored by how turned on she was finger fucking herself in front of Chad. Instinctively Hilarie knew it wasn't just her touch that was getting her hot. It was more than that. It was the control, being in charge, of watching Chad willingly submit to her desires; it actually made her head spin, something she'd have to question and explore in depth another time when she wasn't distracted by Chad's needy whines.

Slowly Hilarie opened her eyes, and met his gaze while steadily moving, pumping her fingers in and out of her body. Increasing her speed, she snapped her hips, aggressively meeting her fingers, digging deeper before pulling back and shoving back in. She was close, too close. If she didn't stop now, she'd come.

Tearing her eyes away, she pointedly stared at Chad's hole; her pleasure heightened just thinking about finger fucking him.

One last time Hilarie thrust her fingers deep wiggling the already soaked digits before pulling them out, then reached out toward Chad, slicking them against her target - his puckered hole.

Chad's body shook, a deep guttural moan sounded, sending chills down her spine.

Her own need desperate, she moved faster, eager to take him. Starting with one finger she then quickly added another, shoving past his muscle ring. Pulling in and out she picked up the pace as she started to earnestly fuck him with her fingers. Enjoying the sight, sliding them in and out of Chad in rapid succession.

Suddenly Hilarie moved her other hand, gripping his hip to halt his movements. She blatantly ignored his whimpering, her heart rate accelerating as she concentrated. Scissoring her fingers several times before adding a third, she pistoned in and out, that left her aching in need as she watched, working all three inside Chad's gaping hole.

Forcibly she stilled; her other hand moved encouragingly over his thigh. "Go on show me how much you want it…"

He didn't have to be told twice as he started to move. Tentatively at first, rocking his hips up then back, his arms straining to remain in position, he slowly increased his pace. Between moans Chad started to babble, alternating moving his hips with rocking his body forward, willingly fucking himself.

With each solid sharp snap of his hips, rocking up and back, he pushed to take her deeper as her excitement heightened. Mesmerized she verbally encouraged, "Yes, fuck yourself. That's it."

Panting, desperate, he nearly yelled, " _fuck_ …" as he picked up speed. Eyes dazed and unseeing, filled with need, he whimpered, " _ **please**_ …"

Initially she didn't consciously make the connection, but her fingers twitched, and before Hilarie knew it she started to spank his already heated ass. His hips snapped down hard, inner walls squeezing tight, holding them in place as he rapidly moved, thrusting back and forth in rhythm to her slaps. His eyes closed squeezing tight as he muttered nonsense in between throaty moans filling the room.

Hilarie glanced down at his hard cock, its color dark purplish, untouched, and bobbing in need as it leaked copious pre-come. Her hand ached, burned, but she continued spanking, keeping the pace, knowing he was about to come. Pulling from a reserve she didn't know she had, and increased the power of her blows, rapidly hitting the same spot over and over.

Suddenly he arched, his hips jacking in a rapid motion, shoving down, his muscles clamping down hard on her fingers. With one final thrust, he froze, his body pulsing, eyes squeezed shut, words incoherent as they tumbled from his mouth and he came hard.

Taken aback, it took her a moment to register that Chad had just screamed someone else's name as he came, and it wasn't Kenzie's name either. Shock rippled through her mind, but her body was too needy to have it dampen her desire.

Her fingers slowly slipped free of Chad's body as he lay there quivering in the after effects of his orgasm.

Without hesitation her wet hand quickly inserted itself inside her bra, fingers pulling, twisting on the hard nub. Her other hand, still heated after spanking Chad, she cupped over herself. Hot fingers slid through the slick wetness, the heel of her hand pressing hard, rubbing, creating needed friction. Past the point of finesse; her need to come now overrode everything else. She angled her thumb over her clit, sliding over it once, twice, before her body shook, shaking in orgasm.

Dazed, her body hypersensitive, she dropped her hand. Slowly opening her eyes, Hilarie ignored the beads of sweat trickling down from her hairline. She glanced at Chad's sated, sleeping form. Not knowing what to make of it she remembered the name he called when he came— _Jared._

*~*~*~

The recall of memory was sharp, visceral, and almost poignant. For a moment Hilarie had gotten lost in the past, forgetting where she was. Now she became aware of being in bed, on the set with Chad intimately lying on top of her. His hips moved in a slow grind— forward, then back, sliding his cock against the slick wetness of her panties.

Blinking and trying to break through the rising lust, she shook her head in frustration, suddenly becoming aware of her position, of the position of her hands and fingers. Belatedly, Hilarie realized she had encouraged what she had been avoiding for weeks - sexual contact - and that she needed to stop. Now.

Angry with herself, she pulled her hands away, pushing against Chad's shoulders. Kept her voice lowered, suddenly all too aware of the possibly of unwanted eyes watching and hissed angrily, "God damn it, Chad, no."

Barely aware, Chad only moaned at the loss of her fingers, continuing to roll his hips, pushing and sliding his cock against her.

Hilarie pushed harder, and under her breath, for his ears only, she spat out, "Stop it. Get off!"

Looking up Hilarie could see he really wasn't hearing her. She bit her lip and her arm swung down, slapping down hard, just above his ass. Startled, he jerked in pain.

It was enough for her to shove him back and untangle their legs. Standing, naked except for panties and nipple pasties, she moved to retrieve her robe.

Chad moved, panting and breathless. "Hils?"

Hilarie knew he was hard, needy. Avoiding the temptation of looking at him, she busied herself putting her robe on. "No Chad."

Her urgency to leave heightened, but before she did, she turned back and leaned down over the bed. Nervous, almost not trusting herself, her voice nearly a whisper, "Tonight, my place." Then she turned and practically ran to her dressing room, slamming the door shut behind her. In an afterthought, she locked the door.

*~*~*~

Hilarie paused her anxious pacing to glance at the clock for umpteenth time. It still said 8:42, making her wonder if the damn thing was even working. She felt like kicking herself for not giving Chad a precise time to arrive. Though she had no doubt that he'd show up, it was the waiting that was getting to her, and it would have been nice to eliminate some of the anxiety.

Once she was thinking with a clearer head, she made an impromptu flight out to California and confessed to Ian, after that first time with Chad. She could have hidden it, could have continued breaking her vows by having an illicit affair, but the lying and cheating just wasn't something she could or wanted to live with. After a long, painful, emotional weekend both of them had started to finally face some hard truths. One realization was that their marriage had been in trouble long before she had done anything with Chad, and though the extended long distance didn't help, it wasn't the main problem. Figuring out and facing the truths about her marriage was something she was still reeling from emotionally. Hilarie wasn't even sure if they could make their marriage work, but both were willing to try.

The sound of the doorbell startled her out of her thoughts. Nervous, she took a deep breath, in and out, moving her arms to shake them just as she did before an audition.

Opening the door Hilarie found Chad standing there, waiting.

"Come on in."

Entering, he moved as if he was going to kiss and hug her, but even though it was only a friendly gesture in greeting, something they'd done a thousand times, she didn't trust herself and stepped back.

"Ah, **no**." It came out harsher than she intended. Nervously Hilarie gnawed on her lips, and then cleared her throat before speaking, trying to pitch her voice in a firm, but friendly tone, without the harshness. "This time we're going to talk." Quickly she grabbed his hand, and ushered him the rest of the way in, "Come on."

Swinging the door shut behind them, Hilarie pulled him over to the bar. "Sit, and take off your jacket."

Without a word he did as she requested, a sliver of pleasure shimmied down her spine, and settled at her core. Her inner voice mocked her barked order, and the pleasure she received as he obeyed. Internally she fought against the feelings Chad unknowingly awakened in her. Hilarie turned away with a slight grimace, reminding herself that Chad was only here because she wanted, no, _needed_ , for them to talk. Quickly she busied herself by opening the glass refrigerator and retrieving two beers. Popping the caps under the bar she handed one over to Chad.

She barely heard his quick, " _thanks_ ," before he was taking a long swig. He stared at her long and hard, waiting. Suddenly at a loss for words she broke the connection she felt by glancing down at his hands. They were cupping his beer bottle; the pads of his fingers nervously swiping at the dewy condensation. As the silence stretched, she watched as his fingernails started to dig, ripping into the label.

Mentally Hilarie shook herself; this wasn't helping.

Noticing his cigarettes sitting on the counter she picked them up, needing the distraction. Then decisively moved toward the sliding doors, calling out, "Come on, you can smoke out here."

Hastily he finished off his beer and stood. Without asking he moved behind the bar and helped himself to another beer before following her out.

"Here." Hilarie set the pack on the table as she moved around to sit on the opposite side.

He set his beer down, and sat across from her.

"Damn, this is so hard."

Earnestly, he stared at her. "It doesn't have to be."

"Chad, do you even realize what you're suggesting?"

"Yeah. I was there…" He moved and grabbed her hand. His thumb moved slowly, caressing her palm.

She yanked her hand away, "No." Licking her lips, Hilarie glanced up and stared into his eyes. "It's not going to happen. I'm married."

He held her gaze, practically pleading, "So, I'm engaged. Doesn't mean it has to stay that way."

"God, do you even hear yourself?" Shaking her head, feeling lost and uncertain, Hilarie strained to keep her voice under control. "I know I started this, but… dammit Chad!"

Looking up, she continued more firmly, "I told Ian. I'm going… we're going to try to work things out. Do counseling." She purposely inhaled, then exhaled, bracing herself for what she had to tell him. "I'm moving out to California."

"What?" His shock evident, he asked, "The show?"

"My contract is coming up; I'm not going to sign on for another year."

"I… we… you don't have to leave. I won't…"

She chuckled, the humor falling flat. "I think this is where I do the 'it's not you, it's me' speech. But it's true. I flew out and told Ian… it's what we decided. What I need to do."

He nodded, looking away. Sitting up, he turned back, his glare accusing when he demanded, "Why now? You could have told me earlier… before anything else happened." He swallowed, his voice raising, the anger and confusion obvious. "Left a message, a note, a text…"

Not bothering to soothe his anger, she nodded. "Yeah, I could have — about Ian, the show, but that's not everything… is it?"

He blinked and pulled back.

Hilarie reached and grabbed his hand, this time offering comfort as she caressed it. "What we did…" He tried to pull away but she held him, continuing to caress and pet, as her voice softened. "I never…" She looked up, silently imploring him to see everything reflected in her eyes, what she was feeling when she thought of them together. "Not like that. It was…" Her head tilted as she searched for the right word, then added, "… _beautiful._ "

He turned away, unable to stop the blush tainting his cheeks. "For that I have to thank you. It opened up doors, things about myself I didn't even realize were there." She paused, then quietly added, asking, "Same for you too, right?"

Startled, he blinked at her, and then started to shut down. "Don't. Please."

Her tongue raced over her bottom lip before the words spilled out, "I heard you, when you came… the name you called out."

His head snapped up, his confusion apparent.

Her tone gentled to nearly a whisper, "It was Jared. It's always been Jared, hasn't it?"

The implication clear, he forcibly pulled his hand back, standing abruptly, his panic palpable.

Worried, she stood as well. She wanted to help, not make things worse. "Chad it's okay, I wouldn't tell…."

He stared wide-eyed at her for a moment, looking fragile and scared, before blind fury suddenly replaced his fear. His tone was a warning. "Don't…" as he moved to leave.

Getting up, Hilarie practically had to run to stop him. Grabbing his arm she said, "Stop! I … just hear me out."

He stopped, but didn't turn around. Realizing that this was the best she was going to get from him, she started talking. "I don't _fucking_ care, ok? I don't care about who you want, or who you are in love with." She felt his body tense even more. "But I do care _**about you**_ , and this," in the momentum wavered her hand at him, "hiding a part of yourself, who you are, who you want, is just hurting you and anyone else who gets too close. Sophia? That's what happened with her isn't? What about Kenzie? She doesn't know, does she? That she only has a part of you? She deserves to know the truth. Deserves to have the person she loves be there, to love her back in return, one hundred percent. You deserve…."

He cut her off, his voice coarse and hollow, "You done?" Nearly robotic, his demeanor chilled her to the bone. She could see him closing himself off, pulling away from her emotionally.

"I…"

He didn't wait; instead he opened the door and left her behind to berate herself for how poorly she'd handled everything, for allowing her anger to color her response. Seconds later she heard the roar of his car racing down the road. Swallowing, words finally tumbling out, chasing empty space, " _You_ deserve that, Chad, to be loved like that…."

*~*~*~

Internally Chad tried to outrun the memories, but it was a war. Of hearing Hilarie's accusations, to flashes of them together, of what he did, how he behaved under her hand flittered through his mind moving from one image to another, stuck on repeat. Jarring feelings of anger and humiliation heightened within him as each image replayed. Each scene was highlighted, and he immediately zeroed in on each humiliating position, even visualized those missing gaps when he had his eyes closed. He heard the words he had uttered out loud. Shadows of shame and guilt crept forward when he recalled with clarity his whimpering need, words that reflected his hidden desires. They vibrated and bounced off the walls within his mind—screaming, taunting him as he drove.

Emotions barely contained, he silently cursed himself that he'd fucked up _again_!

Minutes later, he was sitting at a stop sign in an unfamiliar neighborhood not sure how he got there; he was driving purely on instinct. His knuckles were bone white gripping the steering wheel; an excited squeal of a fan brought him back to earth, reminding him where he was. He was suddenly aware and thankful he was in the car and wearing his aviator sunglasses—to conceal whatever his eyes might have revealed.

At the moment he was too emotionally charged to say anything, or to even do his usual shtick. Too emotionally twisted in turmoil to even hide behind a chosen character from an arsenal of public personas he had long ago created. Personas he created to easily slip into just as he did for any scripted character, only he was the writer and director. Instead, tight-lipped, he gave a quick nod and waved, barely acknowledging the fan as he signaled and turned left.

Taking a fleeting glimpse in his rearview mirror, he could see the fan still standing at the corner waving. Swallowing hard, he fought against the instinct to run, to press down on the gas and take off. His focus redirected on the road, and he forcibly held himself in check as he maintained the legal slow residential speed limit. Unable to stop himself, his eyes swiveled back every five seconds to glance in his rearview mirror until she was no longer visible. He knew he wasn't running from a fan, he was just running.

*~*~*~*

The days following his most recent and this time _secretive_ fuck up had passed by in a blur. He offered a small thanks to the gods that when he returned to work, his remaining scenes with Hilarie were limited, with Peyton sleeping, or unconscious before Hilarie left for California two weeks later. Though she had tried to talk to him, he blatantly avoided any of her attempts that weren't work related. He had easily slipped into the same professional mode just as he had when things had blown up with Sophia, but it didn't work—this time everything was worse.

Once Hilarie left, his mood darkened even further. Unable to stop himself, he continued to withdraw, enough so that Kenzie started to hover and worry; he found himself at work just to escape her questions. While there, on set, he did the same, except this time it was escaping from his cast members. Whenever he had free time he'd go shoot hoops, ignoring everyone-anyone who wanted or tried to talk to him. He tried to keep things low-key, enough to where he held his emotions in check, but everyone on set had known him too long, had seen and experienced his usual habits of avoidance whenever he was troubled. If he didn't get his shit together, he knew someone, mostly likely Kenzie, would call his brother, or worse, Jared.

And things did get worse. Weeks after Hilarie left, he had a string of her voice messages. He should have listened to her messages when he first got them.

Once Ian filed for legal separation, the news about their separation was leaked to the tabloids. Not so ironically, it also marked the first rumors about Hilarie's infidelity that at some point were linked to him, from _insider sources._

It didn't help matters that unless they had a scene, or a script between them, Hilarie was on one side of the studio and he was on the opposite. Whether Hilarie was there or not, he could feel the blatant stares from both cast and crew. He could feel their suspicion and questions he wouldn't let them ask. But if the tension at work had increased, it was nothing compared to what it was like at home.

Out of guilt and remorse he had stopped sharing their bedroom. Had all but stopped even speaking to Kenzie. He just couldn't find the words to tell her the whole truth. Not just that he had fucked up and cheated on her. Surprisingly that wasn't the main problem; it was deeper than that, but at the same time it was one of those slippery slopes. He knew instinctively that if he told Kenzie about Hilarie, that the rest would come out, and that he wasn't ready to deal with. It'd be confronting what he had said while Hilarie fucked him, what he had unconsciously revealed about himself that had him running scared, not from the press, cast and crew of his show, or even Kenzie, but rather from the truth— about himself.

The tension around the set was excruciating and he dreaded going home even more. Feeling like a coward, he waited and hung out on the set until they kicked him out to close down the studio, leaving him no place to go but home. It had been late; his game plan was unsurprisingly to make a hasty exit to the guest room. It was almost one when he pulled up; the lights were low, and he actually had high hopes that Kenzie had gone to bed. Quietly he opened the door. No sooner had he gotten in the door, the lights came on. Where he discovered there was someone a hellofalot worse than dealing with Jared or Rex. That Kenzie had called his mother, Sharon.

From there things just went to hell.

To say his relationship with his mother was volatile would've been an understatement. Though she was sober now, but for most of his childhood she was an alcoholic. Those memories tainted their relationship, the emotional impact when she had abandoned the family – and him, twice, didn't help. She represented everything he fought to forget about his early years.

Facing his mother now, after everything that had happened with Hilarie, when he was already tired, emotionally worn, hanging by a thread, added weight to memories he usually kept buried, surfacing through the cracks.

He saw his mother there, coming over to hug him. She was edging him toward Kenzie, he suspected that she was about to play mediator. Pulling his hand away from Sharon, he found his voice.

"Don't!" Even to his own ears, he sounded curt and harsh. Years of anger bubbled forth toward Sharon with emotions he never allowed himself to show. Turning to face Kenzie, his anger dissipated and his heart broke. Hilarie was right; she deserved better, someone who'd really be there for her. Not someone like him who was too fucked up, who couldn't even face who he was, someone who continually hurt everyone around him.

His throat swelled with regret. "I'm sorry. I…" Instantly he was reminded of Sophia, of how angry and shattered she was from his betrayal. Kenzie's blue eyes widened, glistening with unshed tears. Normally a beautiful face, it was now etched in pain, pain he was causing her. She shook her head as if that'd stop him from saying anything else, to deny the truth she had to be seeing in his eyes, for him to not say it, to pretend. If he had started this yesterday when Sharon wasn't here, if he had said something, maybe it could have been different. It didn't matter now, not with Sharon here. Having Sharon here to witness this, tore at him, but it also strengthened him to know that he couldn't add this to everything else he already kept buried and continued to deny. Kenzie silently pleaded, he wanted to look away, instead he continued to face her, painfully aware that he sadistically deserved the penance of pain that he was causing. Resigned, he swallowed, then blurted the truth. "The rumors… they're true. I did it. I fucked up. I cheated on you."

He could see it in her eyes; even now she'd forgive him if he allowed it. This time he did look away, shaking his head, no, then reached down to twist off his ring. Choked with emotion, he reached out to grab her hand, placing the ring in the palm of her hand, and cupped her fingers around it before dropping his hand. "I'm sorry."

Even with only a brief touch he felt her tremble beneath his fingers, her whispered words. "We can…"

He cut her off, his voice grave full of sadness. "No. We can't."

"Hilarie, you love her?" Questionable disbelief dripped heavily in every word.

Though he wasn't ready to reveal everything, she deserved a kernel of truth. "No, not like that, but we… I did."

She quickly took hold of that thread. "Then we can work…"

He found himself repeating his words, "No! No we can't. It's not Hilarie, we did, but it's someone else. I'm in love with someone else. I'm sorry, I honestly don't want to hurt you…"

She swallowed hard, tears falling as she demanded, "Who? Sophia?" Sadly, and almost hesitantly, he shook his head, because he had never stopped being in love with Jared, even when he had been with Sophia. And he was here again, just repeating this sick cycle because he couldn't face the truth about himself. "No."

A resounding slap echoed in his ear followed by burning heat throbbing against his cheek, as she desperately demanded, "Who?"

Jared's name danced on the tip of his tongue. It was at that moment Sharon awkwardly tried to interject some unwanted motherly advice. "Maybe if you go to counseling, try to work through this…"

Suddenly he wanted to laugh. Martial advice coming from her was rich, but it did give him some fortitude, to give Kenzie tangible truth, that they couldn't be saved, that she deserved to know. To know what he didn't couldn't tell Sophia, to move on.

"A man, I'm in love with a man."

He heard Sharon's sharp grasp. Ignoring her, he quietly added to Kenzie, "It's true. I've been in the closet all my life, with Sophia, with you… I can't do it anymore."

He stood there almost paralyzed under Kenzie's questioning glare, allowing her to see the truth of his words. He could almost see her shut down, her face crumbling once she realized he wouldn't retract or deny what he just said.

Suddenly Sharon was there, holding Kenzie as her body shook, tears falling more rapidly as she physically collapsed in Sharon's arms.

Helpless, he just stood there watching until his mother shooed him away. Feeling sick and cowardly, he left.

He barely remembered driving downtown, checking into a hotel and ordering a bottle of Jack be sent to his room.

By checking into a hotel here in Wilmington, he automatically flagged every tidbit gossiper who'd tip off TMZ, or any other paparazzi rag. Here everyone already knew who the hell he was, and checking in by himself, combined with the rumors that were already flying, when his manager found out, she was going to kill him. Making a beeline to the bar, he twisted open a small bottle of Jack then took a healthy swallow. He took another as he realized he had just ended his engagement, tipped off the rags, came out of the closet to Kenzie and his mother, and then left Sharon in his house comforting his ex-fiancée. His life was _**fucked!**_

By the time room service arrived he had already downed two small bottles from the bar. Normally Chad wasn't a drinker, nor would he ever drink alone. Instead, he'd normally nurse a few beers, just enough to get a slight buzz here and there, but he had always stayed away from hard liquor. Liquor gave him too many memories of his mother; the smell alone would normally gag him, but now he desperately wanted to stop thinking- to stop feeling.

With each burning swallow, memories surfaced, visceral, sharp. His head pounded, as he saw Sophia, her voice raw, yelling and cursing as he ducked every time she threw something. Her face was stained with tears, the hurt evident, her trust in him, men, and people shattered. As he chugged another swallow, Sophia morphed into Kenzie. Sophia was stronger, as she used her anger and professionalism to support herself—but Kenzie was different. She was young, too young to know anything. That's what had attracted him in the first place. Sophia was too aware, self-assured, and he loved that about her. She wanted to help him, to work things out, to be his best friend, his lover and partner. The more she gave, the more he needed to keep a distance, to push back, hide just to keep his secrets buried. With Kenzie, unlike Sophia, the level of maintenance and energy that it took to maintain his secrets and upkeep a persona of loving fiancé was almost nonexistent—almost too easy. Everything was too new and glorious, and right from the beginning Kenzie had worshiped him, and he had just royally fucked her over.

The room swirled and shifted again until his memories were centered on his mother, on things he had blocked out and long ago buried.

On a conscious level, he barely remembered the _before_ , with his mother. Only that it existed and ended shortly after his baby sister, Shannon, was born. The small bits of memory that pushed their way through were strange where he felt detached because the family he saw in his head appeared happy. It was after Shannon's birth when everything changed, his memories strongest-what he fought to hide and keep buried.

Holding his head, sitting in a crouched fetal position, he nursed the bottle of Jack until his throat was a steady burn. Barriers he had built to hold back those memories suddenly fractured, and crushed under the added pressure of pain he had caused Kenzie.

Sharon's voice filled his head, sounding sober and offering apologies; however, all he heard were excuses.

Though it was the memories afterwards, during his visitations, after they separated. That Chad had lied about, didn't want anyone to know especially dad or Rex, when she started drinking again.

That was also when things got really fucked up—the things Chad didn't want to remember, and was the only one who did remember. The things that Sharon's blackouts had erased.

His grasp slipped from the bottle, causing him to spill and splash the foul, familiar scent over his shirt. His stomach rolled, revolted, and forced him to jump up and run toward the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet as he spewed the remaining contents of his stomach. After dry heaving, Chad stayed squatting there on the floor, panting, the vile smell stroked a reawakening memory. Disoriented, his head throbbed in pain, and his vision blurred as he moved to crawl back into the room. Reaching for the bottle that was sitting there on its side right where he dropped it, he was determined to do anything to bury and erase those memories. Curling up into a ball, he started nursing what was left in the bottle, oblivious of anything else other than his goal to shut out those memories he couldn't voice, couldn't tell.

*~*~*~*

The repetitious sound of ringing was starting to drive Chad crazy, it stirred him more awake and set off another round of throbbing pain throughout his body. He struggled to ignore the ringing, but it continued, seemingly non-stop, punctuated intermittently by a harder knock that echoed in-between the continuous ringing. Slowly he rolled over; his body feeling battered and bruised, stinking of alcohol.

Even the slightest movement had his stomach rolling, but he had to stop that ringing. He belatedly realized it was his phone. Swiping a hand over his face, he finally opened his eyes. Thankfully, the curtains were drawn, and it was dark. Glancing at the clock, its bright digital numbers said 6:45. Thing was he had no idea if that was AM or PM.

His head jerked toward the sound, and he glared evilly at the door finally recognizing the pounding for what it was; that some asshole was persistently knocking at his door.

Shakily he stood, and made his way over to his door just to crack it open enough to tell 'em to _go fuck off._

He heard a rushed, "Thank God", and his door was pushed open further, forcing him to step back. It was his manager, Megan. She easily maneuvered and forced her way in, ducking under his stretched out arm where he continued holding the door. She shooed him back in the room, ignoring his muttered, _fuck_ , as she turned and told the bellhop or whoever it was, to _make that two pots_ , before shutting the door behind her.

Disheveled Megan still looked adorable, a petite pixie, no taller than Kenzie, though it was her voice that destroyed the image of the sweet innocent girl next door as she bellowed loudly. "Jesus Christ, Chad, what the hell are you doing? Shit! You already found out, didn't you? Fuck who the hell told you?"

Chad just stood there gaping, trying to close out the harsh tones of her voice as it ricocheted, around the room sending pains throughout his body. He shuffled back toward the bed, and fell when his knees hit, barely sitting up, glaring as she moved toward the window.

"Air." She drew the curtains open, then fully opened the sliding door to the balcony. Blinked, he against the sun, then fell back, rolling over, pulling covers up ready to hide.

"Jesus you sink. This room sinks." He could hear her coming toward him.

"No, you don't." She pulled at the covers, yanking them out of his hands and off the bed, leaving him entirely bare except his boxers. He gripped hard on his pillow burrowing his head underneath it, trying to muffle out her voice—but it wasn't working "Chad don't, we need to strategize, make it work. We still have time. We'll take it to the public. Trust me, your fans will rally behind you."

He could hear her, moving and shuffling about settling in at the desk. Probably setting up her laptop. "Now you want to tell me who told you? If there's a leak, it might've gone to press, or is about…"

He didn't want to pay attention, but what she was saying finally registered. His heart started to race, wondering if Kenzie had gone to the press. He lifted his head, blinking toward Megan, his tongue thick and heavy from dehydration. "What? I… She didn't, did she?"

Megan sat there staring at him then slowly enunciated each word as she asked. "Chad…she who?"

He hoarsely whispered. "Kenzie."

Megan stood and walked into the bathroom, bringing out a glass of water, and handed it to him. "Drink. Then tell me."

He quickly downed the water, nodding his thanks. "You were saying she already went to the press?"

"Kenzie? No, what? Chad you better tell me, what's going on? What happened?"

He shook his head, refusing to answer. Instead he countered demanding, "Why are you here Megan, what the fuck are you talking about?"

Cursing, she sighed, realizing she wasn't going to get an answer at least not yet. "Fine, they don't want to renew your contract."

Throwing the pillow to the side, Chad sat up dazed. He had thought, well he thought Kenzie, or his mother held some sort of press conference verbally flaying him alive—this was about losing his job, something he never would have predicted. "What?"

From his evident shock, Megan moved toward the bed and sat down beside him. "Shit! I'm sorry, Chad. I thought that's why you barricaded yourself in."

Everything started to spin; he desperately wanted his head to explode just so it'd stop pounding.

Standing again Megan started to pace. "We tried to reach you. Like I said we can go public, let your fans…"

"Why?"

Megan stopped her pacing, avoided looking at him. He repeated, "Megan, tell me, why?"

"It's not official, no one will go on record…"

His voice cracked as he tried to yell, demanding. "I don't give a fuck, tell me!"

"Chad…" She shook her head, then lowered it in defeat. "Shit! Fine, it's the rumors between you and Hilarie has the suits spooked. They don't want a repeat performance of you going through co-stars. Like I said we can make it public, on our terms. Show them how you and Kenzie are stronger than ever. Hilarie's never said anything to the contrary. We can use that." Her voice lowered and quietly added, "Even if it's true, it doesn't matter as long as she doesn't say anything." Then she pushed on, pacing again, each step more confident. "It's damage control, we can spin it. Fact is, they need you. The entire show was, and is, based on your character. Without you they don't have a show. And they know it."

He fell back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Chad?" He could hear it in her voice, dawning realization. "Chad, why are you here?"

His voice barely carried, "It's over."

"I told you, we can…"

"No!" He choked out, "Fuck! That too, but I meant with Kenzie, we're not, I ended it."

His head pounded louder, and though it was under her breath he could still hear Megan's sputtered cursing. He ignored the instinctual urge to roll back over and hide. His stomach pitched hard enough that he had to sit up and move quickly toward the bathroom.

Megan waved him away, "Good, go take a shower, sober up. I gotta call Ted. We're definitely gonna need a new plan."

He shut the door behind him, his stomach rolling. His legs were moving before he could even process what was happening as he fell to his knees emptying his stomach.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed there. His body almost curled around the toilet, hugging the seat as he continued hurling until there was nothing but dry heaves. He heard Megan knocking, asking if he was okay. He ignored her, turning on the tap. Desperate to drink, he began to cup his hands, but abruptly he tilted his head and angled until he was drinking straight from the faucet. His mouth was gritty, the stink of liquor in his pores lingered. He nearly gagged again as he ran his tongue over his teeth, he needed a toothbrush.

Yelling out, he asked Megan to call down for basic amenities. He didn't wait for an answer, but dropped his boxers, turned on the shower and climbed in.

He hung his head, allowing the pulsing hot water to cascade over his aching body. It didn't help. Not that he deserved it. He knew he deserved every painful ache.

How could he have fucked up so badly? He had promised himself he wouldn't after everything with Sophia. Yet here he was again, and this time he didn't just screw over one person… this time it was Hilarie and Kenzie.

Hilarie, she knew the truth. Kenzie, he hung his head remembering that he almost told her the whole thing- at least he did tell her that he was gay. She deserved that. Like Hilarie had said, Kenzie deserved someone to be there 100 percent. Knew that if Sharon wasn't there he might have told Kenzie everything.

Though none of that excused him to drink like that, like her, his mother…

He was stone cold sober now, but it didn't stop him from wanting to fold in on himself, to have another drink, to find that oblivion again, to stop caring.

Above the water he heard Megan yelling through the door. " _Jesus_ _**fucking**_ _Christ_ Chad, if you don't get that scrawny ass out here, I'm going to come in and haul it out here… don't think I won't!"

Of that he had no doubt. Without thinking, he stuck his head out from behind the curtain, yelling back in response. "Be out in a minute." Grabbing the soap, he finally lathered up then rinsed, washing away the stink from his pores.

Turning off the water, he stepped out, toweling himself dry as he moved. Glancing at the dirty boxers, he snagged another towel and wrapped it around his waist and walked out.

Megan sat at the desk, talking softly on her cell. He glanced over to the table to find that plates and trays decorated its surface. He recognized the fruit and biscuits, but once he noticed the pot of coffee, he ignored everything else and walked over to pour a full cup.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Megan pointing. He turned in the direction and saw a pile of clothes, a bottle of aspirin, and a bag of what turned out to be travel essentials, including a new toothbrush and toothpaste. Putting them on top of the pile of clothes, still holding his coffee he made his way back to the bathroom in order to break in his new toothbrush.

*~*~*

Reentering the room fifteen minutes later, he felt better. He had brushed his teeth three times before he felt satisfied. The sweats and tee shirt, though new and clean, were too large, and he internally cringed when he automatically thought they'd fit Jared better.

No matter what was going on he had to stop thinking about Jared. That ship sailed long ago. And it wasn't like Jared didn't know, on both counts. Knew that Chad was bi, and that he had been interested in Jared.

" _Chad_ … _**Chad**_? Hey are you with me?"

Chad jerked, Megan's hand waving in front of his face. "What?"

"He's back." She spoke into her cell then to him. "Ted's on the line, we need to discuss a game play here, do some damage control, ok?"

Chad just stared at her.

"Come on." Taking his hand, they moved over to the table where she promptly pushed him to sit down. Picking up the coffee pot she filled another cup, and put it front of him before she sat down, placing her cell phone on the table between them. "Ok, Ted, you're on speaker."

 _  
 **"Are you out of your fucking mind? Jesus Christ, Chad, you trying to kill me?"**  
_

Whatever Ted said from there on he tuned out, and shut his eyes, slumping in his seat.

Meagan obviously got the message, " _Fucking Christ_ , Ted. Ted, Ted! Shut the fuck up, you're supposed to talk damage control, not lecture..."

Ted interrupted, "Fucker's not listening is he?" He didn't wait for a response. "Fine, fine. Damage control…. So far Hilarie hasn't said anything, but word is she's really focused on trying to make her marriage work. Worst case scenario, she goes public, about your… about the affair… what about Kenzie, will she say anything?"

He heard only bits and pieces of their conversation; it all consisted of different ways to spin various outcomes. That he'd need to remain in the public's eye, whether he liked it or not. That the last thing he could do was fade into the background like he did last time- after things ended with Sophia, and when he got engaged to Kenzie. It was only in the last year that he was starting to come back gain the public's approval.

Now this. Truth was it didn't matter if Kenzie or Hilarie ever said anything. It was already in the tabloids that Hilarie wasn't returning to the show, that she was seeing a marriage counselor. Had publicly stated that the show had played a role and put a strain on her marriage - that she was choosing her marriage over the show. Once word got out that his engagement with Kenzie was over, and that he wouldn't be returning to the show- preverbal shit to fan. Even with his hangover he could see what was coming. Could add two and two together, and come up with four that the network would spin it so that he was a disruptive troublemaker on set, someone who couldn't keep it in his pants around his costars. Right now no matter what he did, the public and press would draw their own conclusions, eternally dubbing him a womanizing adulterer douchebag.

At present, he was too drained, too overloaded and frankly didn't care. Abruptly he stood. Fishing for his keys and glasses, he grabbed both as he moved to leave. He muttered that he had to go feed the dogs, to see Joe. Nearly in a panic, he needed to get the hell out of there, do something constructive, anything to feel a bit centered. He bet that feeding and playing with his dogs, with Joe, in a small way would make him feel better, at least for a few brief moments, and right now that's all he cared about.

*~*~*~*

A month later, not much had changed, except that now he was living alone.

The quiet stealth entrance was abandoned as Axel and Joe came running and barking, overly excited to see him. Immediately he bent down, and he started to scratch behind Joe's ears, his other hand rubbing scratching alongside Axel's back. With a sideways glance behind him, Chad waited, looking for Tum Tum to come running, yapping in excitement, pushing in-between the larger dogs demanding attention, her turn to say hello—but it never came.

He looked up to see the truth written over the housekeeper's face; her slightest nod told him everything he needed to know: Kenzie had left. He nodded in understanding, thankful for the silent communication. He then offered Joe and Axel more attention. Sharon suddenly spoke. "I think you should send her home. She's employed by the Dalton agency; you can hire someone else through an agency. Right now, you should be surrounded by family."

Shaking his head in disbelief, unable to believe what he was hearing, Chad turned, frowning. Then, in frustration, he rubbed his hands over his face, threading his fingers through his hair. Holding himself in check, he quietly told her he wanted her to leave.

Sharon just stood there. "I don't think that'd be a good idea right now. You need…"

At that he glared, no longer holding back his temper. "Sharon, what I need is for you to listen and to leave."

She shook her head, "Chad Michael, I'm your mother and I want to help, to be here for you." She moved toward him, and her hand reached up to squeeze his shoulder in comfort.

Turning away, he brushed her hand off, inhaling as he tried to calm his already frayed nerves. Right now, he honestly didn't give a shit what Sharon wanted, but he had his siblings to think about: Nicky, Brandon, and Shannon for them it was a different story. They were too young to remember what she was like before she was clean and sober. Unlike him or Rex, his younger siblings actually had a relationship with Sharon. Where his siblings were constantly – actively, trying to bridge a gap between her and them – to him. Chad also knew that she hadn't already called to tell them the news that he cheated – again – breaking his engagement, and that Kenzie had left him. That she would be on the phone as soon as he kicked her out. Though it didn't matter; he'd rather deal with any of his siblings than deal with her.

Walking toward the door, and opening it wide, he didn't mince any words. "Funny!" he deadpanned, and turned, holding the door wider. "Now get the hell out."

She stood there for a moment then straightened her back, and nodded. "Alright Chad, I will for now, but I'll be back." As she walked toward the door she stopped in front of him. The top of her head reaching his chin, she tilted up to stare at him. His hand clutched at the knob, and he wanted to back away to distance himself, physically and emotionally. He tried to think of Dan Scott, of Lucas' hatred for his father, attempting to channel those emotions. His insides twisted, and he couldn't escape the perverse love/hate feelings he felt for Sharon. Thankfully, she didn't challenge him. "You may not believe me now, but I promised your brothers and sister that I'd never walk away again. And I meant it Chad. Not from them and not from you, ever again."

He didn't answer, and he heard her sigh, then walk through the door, closing it tight behind her. His body nearly collapsed against the door, inhaling air that he hadn't even realized he had been holding it.

The housekeeper stayed on, keeping her regular schedule, and added extra hours in-between. She was a go-between him and Kenzie. At times, she came over to watch Axel on the days he took Joe with him to the studio. She also started to cook meals, leaving instructions for heating and for how long. It had nearly killed him when she said that Kenzie wanted to make sure he was all right, that he ate, that he was taken care of.

The show's producers had stayed firm as they continued moving the characters in a direction where everything would be tied up to have Lucas and Peyton go off into the sunset, happily ever after. Each day he tried to hold out hope that things would change, that Ted would work some deal with the execs where Chad could stay. It was a stretch, but one he tried to hang on to. Whether it was for the fans, or Hilarie, the fact was that the producers were leaving a door open, an opportunity for either actor to possibly come back. He couldn't deny that it was something he was honestly grateful for.

The days grew longer, and gossip hounds and rumors continued to fly rampant. First about his infidelity with Hilarie, and then that he wasn't being signed for season seven, along with speculations of why they were leaving the show. It definitely didn't help that Kenzie had moved back in with her parents, or that he and Hilarie steered clear of each other, and that unless they were in character they didn't talk. He knew it was probably better that way. Hilarie was actively trying to make things work with Ian because she only stuck around to do her scenes before rushing off to pack, and was flying out to California to be with her husband.

Off set, Chad became a recluse.

Thankfully, Kenzie kept quiet, especially regarding his confessions and his involvement with Hilarie. Not that the reporters didn't ask Kenzie, but she never answered one way or the other. Nor did she deny the questions or statements they made; her only reply was the standard _No comment_. But each clip response sounded pained, and her misery vibrated off of each word, making it clear that whatever had happened had hurt her, that ending their engagement wasn't her choice-that he was the one who ended it.

It was true, all of it, and that was something Chad couldn't deny either, so he didn't. She also didn't make his life worse by mentioning his confession that he was in love with a man. At least she believed that he told her the truth.

The upside was that he no longer had to avoid any of the cast or crew; they happily stayed away, not knowing what to say.

Not that he honestly gave them any opportunity.

It was nearly a month later before Kenzie hired new PR people, and they made an _official_ statement regarding tabloid rumors - that their engagement was over. By then it was old news, no one cared and no one was surprised.

*~*~*~*

Maybe he shouldn't have ignored Sharon's calls, then maybe she wouldn't have taken it as a challenge or misguided fucking mission to save his soul, but that was exactly what his mother decided needed to be done.

When he ignored and banned her from the studio and the house, she immediately contacted his siblings and gave them an earful as predicted. Unlike Kenzie, who in reality had every right to hate him and fuck him over, but actually respected and loved him enough not to out him. He couldn't say the same about his mother.

Okay, so she didn't exactly out him, but she turned his life into a media circus.

It might have been funny, had it been anyone else - someone he wasn't related to. Then he could just click off the set, change the channel to just move on and dismiss her righteous sermonizing. Problem was, they were related. In his heart, for the most part, at least in regards to his mother since he was ten, he honestly didn't give a shit about her. Though when it came to his brothers, and his sister—he did care, they were his world, and he had spent his life and entire career doing what he could to protect them.

Nick was the first to call, but it was Shannon's call that killed him. She wasn't upset over his infidelity, but over their mother's righteousness. Even over the phone he could tell she was more than rattled. She was rambling on that Sharon wasn't making sense, that she refused to listen, and feared their mother's threats that she'd do something to make him listen, to seek help.

It had started with small blurbs on TMZ that quickly snowballed. It was like she was gearing for a book tour, a tell-all book on his fucking life. Dramatically taking the blame on herself; willingly confessing her sins as an abusive alcoholic mother to any listening public. By the end of the week, his mother had achieved her goal.

That first time, he watched amazed as she stared into the camera. Large, lucid blue-eyes pleading as she offered to go to meetings, vowed to be by his side every step of the way during his recovery. Stunned, his stomach flipped before he angrily clicked off the set.

Later that night, Rex flew in and showed up at his door. The next day, arriving just as quickly were his brothers Nick and Brandon then his dad and Shannon. The more his family supported him, and that Kenzie stayed silent, the more Sharon went off, claiming her desire wasn't to expose him, but to be at his side and hold his hand, to comfort and support him through AA.

When she didn't get the response she had banked on, she started to insinuate about his secret, forcibly outing him. He actually wondered if she had started drinking again, but decided that this was worse as she continued working the system, milking it for her own fifteen minutes of fame.

It was when the innuendoes on his sexuality started flying that he was able to force most of his family to go home, with Megan's help.

Thankfully, his family thought it was a laughable lie. His own nerves were too frayed, and he never said anything to deny or suggest one way or the other, but that was when his cell started ringing off the hook. It was enough that he had turned it to vibrate, then off, when he didn't pick up after Megan called several times. The first calls and messages were from Jared. He wanted to know if he was ok, if Chad needed or wanted him there? That he was willing to fly down. Then Hilarie started to call, a few other cast-mates, and even Sophia got into the act. Each checking in on him to make sure he was okay, not that he was answering or responding, but they didn't seem to mind – only a few had demanded he call them back. Jared was on the top of that list.

And he did, purposely calling when he knew Jared would be filming and couldn't, wouldn't be able to pick up his cell. He'd quickly told Jared not to be a dick, and to stop worrying. It was a lie, of course. He wasn't fine, but Chad couldn't tell his best friend that he was about to be outted by his mother—Jared already got that; he was sure Jared had seen Sharon on TMZ, but what Jared didn't know was that Chad was still in love with him, had never stopped being in love with him. And even on the verge of being outted, he couldn't face that, at least not yet, not if he didn't have to, and playing the avoidance game allowed him to live in denial.

Ted had told him that because of the added publicity, any renegotiation talks for season seven with the network were stalled and temporarily scrapped. Due to the lurking paparazzi, and to keep spoilers from leaking, his last days of filming were on a closed set.

He could only be thankful they kept the original script and ended Lucas/Peyton on a happy note as a happily married family _alive_ , and he did have his concerns, with baby in tow to ride off into the sunset.

The network started to utilize the available press by spinning it to their advantage, and highlighting season seven. On his last day, after the last scene, there was no party, no fanfare, not even lunch. He left the day and the studio as quietly as he had arrived earlier that morning. Hilarie had tried to talk to him, but it was too hard between them. For the moment, their goodbye was each touch, each kiss, and each embrace Lucas and Peyton had for each other- for now it was enough.

Others tried to approach him, to make his last day less somber, but nothing anyone did felt right. Surprisingly, it was Sophia who cornered him. She was waiting in his trailer with Joe. It had been a long time since they'd been in the same room and didn't have a script between them, where he wasn't Lucas and she wasn't Brooke. It was odd, uncomfortable, but simultaneously like coming home. He kept a safe distance and moved to sit down, greeting Joe as he did.

She stood, fidgeted nervously. "Not going to be the same."

He wanted to be angry, to be pissed, but he couldn't. Nothing had changed; he was the one who had _fucked_ everything up. With Sophia, Kenzie, his career, family, especially his friendship with Jared- who didn't even know it yet, there wasn't an area in his life he hadn't fucked up. Joe nuzzled up against his hand, making him smile; he silently conceded that maybe he didn't fuck up Joe or Axel's life. Though if he took into account that they had lost Kenzie, but also their friend Tum Tum, then shook his head berating himself to not go there.

Refocusing, he stated flatly, "No it won't." He looked up, letting her know he was sincere. "You'll make it better."

Slowly Sophia nodded, lips quivering under her grin, telling him she was barely holding it together.

Chad glanced down to Joe who lay at his feet. "Ready to go?" Suddenly Joe sat up barking, then pranced in place, as Chad stood laughing.

"Too fucking stubborn for your own good." Initially stern, her voice faltered and choked as she rushed into his arms, hugging him tight. For a moment he was lost, unsure of what to do. This was Sophia, his ex-wife, not Brooke. At his indecision she pulled him in even tighter. Relieved, he let go of a shaky breath and tentatively returned the embrace. They stayed like that until Joe barked again, impatiently waiting.

Laughing, Sophia finally pulled away. Her hand swept up, wiping away a few tears. She held his gaze, silently transferring some message of wisdom. Whatever she was trying to say, he wasn't getting it. Sadly she shook her head, her eyelids lowered, understanding he didn't get it. Nodding in acceptance, she gazed up at him. The tone of her voice lighter, louder, almost robust within the confines of the small trailer. "Hey Chad one day, you're gonna see it, believe it, and if you're lucky those that actually matter- we'll still be around." Moving toward the door, she started to leave. Outside on the last step, she leaned back and hung her head back inside, looking up at him expectantly, and firmly stated, "No regrets," before shutting the door behind her.

Shocked, Chad just stared at the closed door until Joe barked, demanding his attention. Distractingly, he soothingly patted Joe's coat, not quite able to wrap his head around what just happened. Absentmindedly, he answered Joe's insistent barking. "Yeah yeah, let's go."

*~*~*~*

On autopilot, Chad left the studio feeling numb, knowing he wouldn't be back. He lost a job he'd had for the last six years and didn't have a job, or anything else waiting in the wings. With only a small handful of scripts, each one offering a similar role that cast him as a cheating asshole.

Typecasting was something that he had always been concerned with. It was one of the reasons he'd left Gilmour Girls' resident bad boy Tristin behind to play Lucas. Now after playing Lucas for so long, he'd been concerned that he would be too identifiable with that character that he'd be typecast in a comparable role and he was typecast just not as Lucas, but a caricature of himself. It was painfully defeating.

Not that Megan gave him much of a chance to wallow in self-pity.

By the end of the week she had him packed and off to California, renting a house for him in the valley where she practically moved in and made herself at home pushing him around, nearly strangling him with _to do lists_. Their plan was to counter, get him out there to face the critics, going with the old adage of, _no such thing as bad publicity_. That was something he disagreed with, but Chad wanted a career, and allowed her to push him to read various scripts, to start auditioning. One of the scripts was for a pilot, a sitcom. On the surface it was just another typecast, but one that in reality he felt was a little too close to home. The character he'd play heavily implied he was gay, his womanizing over compensating for his true feelings and orientation.

Chad was hesitant, but couldn't deny it was slightly refreshing against the other roles he was being offered. This one, he allowed Megan to push and prod to go to the audition. She went on lecturing him then told him to think of successful come backs, like Charlie Sheen, or the more recent Britney Spears. Reminding him that it had worked for Charlie, playing a similar caricature of the public's initial perception of Charlie when his private life went public and he had to testify as one of famed Madam Heidi Fleiss' clients.

The encouraging prep talk worked. He auditioned and surprised himself when he landed the role.

Chad tried to ignore the distortion of his character—instead he had a list to keep him focused: one, it was only a pilot, and second, his character was the breakout character, third, it was a drama/comedy, fourth, filming for the pilot would commence immediately. Starting in one week.

After filming, waiting around was the last thing Megan and Ted had planned. Once he finished filming the pilot, their plan was to throw him out there, to attend various celebrity charity events and parties, especially those that tied in with popular celebrities during the upcoming Paley Festival. He had nixed the idea, but neither would give up and had even manipulated him into going to the CW's party highlighting their fall season line-up.

Hoping that it'd ease his mind, Megan mentioned that Jared would be there, that Jared was going promoting Supernatural's pick-up. She was despondent that he didn't respond as she hoped. Megan then took it a step further and called Jared. It was the one time Chad had considered firing her. Not that she had a clue why he'd actually be upset, and he couldn't tell her the truth. That he didn't know how to deal with being near, or around Jared—that he was in love with him, and Chad was terrified that this time he wouldn't be able to hide that fact. Afraid that if Jared knew the truth, this time he'd lose Jared's friendship.

He'd had been in love with Jared for a long time, that hadn't changed and wasn't Chad's issue. Though somehow now that Hilarie knew, his ability to close that door—to pretend was suddenly gone. Not too mention that he hadn't stopped having erotic dreams about Jared.

Explaining himself and his reluctance about Jared definitely wasn't a conversation Chad was going to have with Megan or anyone else.

Megan ended up leaving Jared a message to let him know that she had wrangled Chad an invite, and she needed Jared's help to get Chad there, to maintain groundwork that the network and Mr. Murray didn't have any harsh feelings, a spin of positive publicity.

When Jared called back, Chad had _accidentally_ picked up. First, he had to put up with Jared's lecturing and bitching about not returning Jared's umpteen earlier calls, before he pushed Megan's agenda, agreeing with Chad's manager. Chad's immediate response was no, an answer that Jared flat out ignored. Instead Jared vocally hit certain pitch notes, adding to his emotional plea—one that Chad couldn't resist, and he didn't.

Things steamrolled from there, plans were made; Megan was to be his _date_.

Thankfully, between Megan and filming the pilot, he didn't have any time to think.

At the last minute on the day of the event, Megan showed up at his place sick dragging a model a new client of hers, Tracy, behind her. Tracy had the dubious pleasure to be Megan's replacement as his date. Their game plan was simple, and stayed the same. To go, stay and mingle, be seen.

Megan had to keep reassuring him it'd be better to show up with a casual date, a friend rather then go stag, to combat lingering rumors about Hilarie. Though he had been engaged, she had to continually remind him that it was almost two months since he broke off their engagement, and that Kenzie had already been seen going out. Meaning by rules of _Hollywood's_ social etiquette he could go out, be seen; not going out only added fuel to the rumors that he and Hilarie were secretly together.

Megan only mentioned Kenzie going out twice, she had quickly gotten the message that Chad didn't want to hear it. It only saddened him to think about Kenzie. Not to mention it pissed him off that he felt twinges of jealousy, when he had no right. Though like Sophia, he still loved Kenzie; admittedly it was just very different from what he felt for Jared. Though it didn't change the reality that he was.

For the most part he zoned out most of Megan's constant chatter of who to see, and why. Before Chad knew it he was escorting Tracy toward the entrance with cameras going off in their faces. At seeing the cameras Tracy perked up, paused and modeled for them. He didn't exactly blame her; she had her own agenda, reasons why she even agreed to go, and all of them had nothing to do with helping him.

Once inside things had taken a definite left turn. Only an hour after they got inside. Now stag, Chad stood on the sidelines watching exasperated as Tracy, his former date, worked the room. Not that he really gave a shit, and maybe that was part of the problem—and she knew it. She was just a stand-in for Megan and he had every intention of using her to deflect questions and curious eyes, just as she was using him for her own agenda, to gain an invite into a private celebrity bash.

Disgusted with himself, Chad poured a hefty shot. Swirling the drink around, he decided that in order to survive tonight he needed a hell of a lot more than beer to distract his sorry ass from tonight's events; he downed the drink in one go. As far as established plans go, this one was a bust. With more annoyance then interest, his eyes automatically found Tracy. He couldn't take his eyes off her as she flirted outrageously with everyone. To be honest, he was only pissed she did it now, after he had already introduced her around. That people knew she had been on his arm; was Chad's date when he arrived, and more importantly Chad had already introduced her to Jared.

Earlier, after they arrived, Jared had spotted them right away. When Chad introduced Tracy to Jared and Genevieve, who was with Jared. Relieved, Chad had the misguided hope that he wouldn't have to be alone with Jared.

Sadly, looking back, it had also been the only bright spot of Chad's evening. Somehow with Tracy on his arm, and Genevieve's on Jared's arm it was easier than Chad expected—as he fell into a persona, acting, portraying a role just to be around Jared.

Though at some point during their conversation Jared started to get suspicious and to eyeball him funny. Enough so that Chad overplayed his hand; the persona he was performing started to crumble under Jared's steady gaze and Chad fell silent.

Luckily for him Genevieve and Tracy kept Jared fully engaged in conversation.

Bemused, Chad didn't think it could get any better than watching Jared attentively hold a conversation with both ladies then crank his neck very unnecessarily over Genny and Tracy just to stare at Chad every two seconds. Silently demanding _what the fuck_?

Chad just stood there oddly entertained as Jared's eyebrows danced about in every direction. Chad would have laughed outright in Jared's face if he thought he could've gotten away with it. Knowing that if he did Jared would drop all pretense of politeness in front of the ladies, to pull Chad to the side demanding, _what the hell_ was going on. Instead Chad just shook his head, and shrugged, hoping to convey a _it's nothing_ sentiment.

It didn't work. The wide lopsided smile did nothing to deter the concerned look Jared threw his way pointedly making it clear that he and Chad were going to be talking—and soon! That whatever shield Chad thought he had with Tracy wasn't going to work, nor was it going to last. Then, like a switch, Jared was fully animated, and gave the ladies his undivided attention.

Ignoring the earlier memory and the burn of alcohol as he swallowed, Chad downed his third, or was it his fourth shot, chasing it down with another beer. After leaving Jared and Tracy dumped him, Chad found refuge by a bar that was closed. Overhead lights were off drowning the bar in darkness. Peeking behind the bar saw they were using it only for extra supplies. Alone, isolated from the crowds, hidden within the shadows, able to observe, Chad's eyes found and devoured Jared's figure dressed casually in plain jeans and pinstriped cream-colored shirt. Chad couldn't help but note that Jared's jeans were hugging a pinch tighter around his hips than what Jared usually wore. Taking advantage of the moment, Chad stared, his gaze traveling up then down Jared's back until his view was blocked.

The crowd shifted, Jared and Genevieve were gone; in their place he spotted Tracy.

Tossing the empty bottle he had finished in the bin, Chad bent over to snag another he had stashed at his feet. Straightening a bit too quickly, the rush left him lightheaded. After a moment, decidedly still too sober, Chad pointedly ignored his buzz and opened the bottle and took a long pull.

He stood there openly staring at Tracy. Suddenly he felt a presence and belatedly realized he wasn't alone, his gut pinged, anxious that it could only be one of two people he wanted to avoid, Jared or Jensen—it was Jensen.

Neither said a word as Jensen took a swig from his own beer then gestured toward Tracy, quietly asking, "Isn't that your date?"

They both stared across the room at her engaging in a dirty make-out scene with some guy. Chad took another long swallow, nodded, and answered, "Was."

Jensen simply stated, "Ouch!"

Chad tried to shrug it off, but the single word vibrated with empathic compassion— brushing beyond the edge of any politeness, and coming from Jensen, he hated it even more.

It was like a punch to his gut, leaving Chad in turmoil, inwardly wincing. His reaction was completely irrational, that he was making more out of the one word then he should have. The question of _why_ lingered in his mind. Like why Jensen would offer Chad any kind of sympathy or compassion, especially after the way he had treated Jensen from the first day they met, always playing a first-class dick whenever he was around Jensen.

Basically, long before he ever met Jensen, Chad had used him as a ruse. An infatuation initially used to deflect Jared from Chad's growing feelings toward him - pretending that he had moved on. Jared knew the truth that he was in the closet. Had learned the truth back when they first met on the Gilmore set, and Chad had developed a crush on Jared. It was the first time in Chad's life he didn't want to hide. He liked Jared, felt safe and let his guard down. Even after Jared realized Chad's feelings it hadn't seemed to faze Jared. Instead Jared simply let Chad know that he wasn't interested, that he didn't swing that way, but it didn't affect his desire for them to remain friends.

For Jared it didn't matter and they still hung out and got to know each other and subsequently they got closer. In fact, they still got together whenever they could. It was at that point Chad suddenly realized Jared was interested and invested in their friendship and in it for the long haul. It was shortly after that in-between auditions that he got hooked into watching Dark Angel, initially crushing on Jessica Alba until Ackles took on the role of X5-493.

At first Jared had teased him, until Chad played it up and Jared realized it wasn't just a crush. And it wasn't a crush; only Chad's feelings were for Jared not Jensen.

He remembered when Jared called to tell Chad he got the part on Supernatural, mentioning that Welling was hosting a send off for his new co-star, and wanted him to come up for the weekend. To meet his new co-star that had turned out to be Jensen.

At the time Chad's life was falling apart, too focused on his recent fuck up a few months earlier, and what had ended his marriage. Chad had honestly married Sophia because he loved her- it just wasn't enough. Something Chad discovered while filming _House of Wax_. Facing Jared again every day, was wonderful, but torturous. It was then he realized his feelings for Jared had gone beyond lust and infatuation that he actually _loved_ Jared, not as a friend, but was _in love_ with him.

Even while married, while with Sophia, Chad had found it difficult to stay focused, and in denial. He hadn't done anything - yet. He couldn't; trapped, his emotions raged. With every illicit thought he had of Jared, his guilt grew. It was enough so every time Chad got hard, and had held Sophia, he thought of Jared. It was tearing him apart; he wasn't the good guy that Sophia believed—he was living a lie. Chad didn't even remember how he ended up with Paris, or even why. Only that everyone on set including Sophia and Jared found out. It was fucked up, and Chad felt bad for hurting Sophia, and even shamed for feeling relief—that she finally knew the truth that he wasn't the good guy, the man of her dreams, that he really was fucked up.

So afterwards when Jared requested his presence, and was still there as his friend, Chad didn't question it. He just showed up, as instructed, to be a friend, to be supportive. Only to find out and come face to face with the living, breathing in 3-D version of Jensen _**fucking**_ Ackles. That Jensen was Jared's new co-star, that it was Jensen who was going to be Jared's TV brother.

He wasn't sure what Jared thought, Chad didn't ask and they didn't talk about it. Whatever Jared was thinking didn't matter; Chad was angry that Jared didn't get it—didn't see, or want to see the full truth. That Chad didn't want Jensen, even if Chad had told Jared that in an immature roundabout way. The truth was he still wanted Jared.

Though Jared obviously saw it differently, and that was no one else's fault but Chad's. He didn't have the balls to really come out. Then coming face to face with Jensen, his personal ruse, the pawn Chad had used to deflect Jared. Chad only saw red. It was from that point on, any time Chad saw or had to be around Jensen, it only fueled a helpless anger he felt toward Jared and himself—though it was unfair that Chad had redirected that hostility onto Jensen.

It was Jensen's initial reserve that allowed Chad to work out a needed persona to deal with him, to create an immediate distance. He quickly settled on being loud, rude, and a sexist tool - basically an all-round douchebag. With the not-so-whispered rumors of what he'd done with Paris and that he and Sophia were already having problems it was easy for Jensen and everyone else to believe Chad was the dickhead he portrayed. It was a role he learned to perfect. Though no matter what he did, if Jared was near Jensen he never lost sight of his civility.

So the question now was why the **_fuck_** was _**perfect**_ fucking Jensen offering him any compassion? Jared wasn't within eyeshot.

It wasn't like Chad and Jensen were friends; Chad had made that clear enough and put enough distance between them. Unless… Jared had said something, painted Jensen a different picture then what Chad wanted Jensen to see.

Low, though just loud enough for Chad to hear the true ring of sincerity in Jensen's voice, he heard, "Gotta be hard after everything…"

That had to be it—Jared opened his fucking mouth. He wanted to scream, there were a lot of things Chad could handle, but _**Jensen**_ dishing out unsolicited sympathy wasn't one of them.

Defensive and determined and with more than enough alcoholic fortitude to back him, Chad needed to put a permanent healthy distance between them before he did something a hellaofalot worse regarding Jensen's one-man sympathy party. Without thinking, he just needed to push back, to let Ackles know exactly what kind of asshole he was… because that was better than facing the truth, easier than emotionally dealing with the who, why, or what he was really feeling. However Chad didn't have to scratch the surface to know he wanted Jared, and he didn't need the reminder that it was never going to happen.

His mind muddled with alcohol, if Chad couldn't have Jared, maybe he should move on go after the next best thing, someone Jay thought Chad already wanted… and if that didn't work and he insulted Jensen enough to provoke him into action – say getting punched in the mouth instead, that'd be even better, something that he'd deserve.

Surprising himself, as casually as possible, Chad looked Jensen up and down, not hiding the leer in his voice, "Doesn't matter, you're pretty enough. Wanna?"

Clearly confused, Jensen shook his head, "Huh?"

As if the cameras were rolling Chad leaned in, his voice pitched to convey the right amount of sincerity edged with seductiveness and he asked, repeating the Jet's song that had just played, "Be my girl?" Chad couldn't stop himself as he slicked his lips, his tongue playful in blatant invitation into a perfected pout. Outwardly he appeared to be calm, cool and collected; inwardly was another matter as his stomach clenched and rolled. He was almost too eager awaiting Jensen's response, and only hoped Jensen didn't break any of Chad's bones.

Jerkily Jensen pulled back then snorted with a half laugh, "Fuck you."

Chad's mind raced, pleased, but it wasn't enough. He needed and wanted Jensen pissed, to push him to the edge, to the point where he'd haul off and hit him. Hiding a sadistic grin, Chad silently answered, _Let the games begin_.

Stepping it up a notch, Chad took another sip of his beer then answered seriously, "Maybe…" his eyes boring into Jensen's. The word just hung there far longer than he intended. Neither said a word, and Chad didn't waver, in the end it was Jensen who turned away first.

Glancing out toward the crowd, Chad finally took a needed breath and ignored the screaming in his head, _what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck_? The thing was he didn't have an answer. Instead he shocked himself further as he turned and leaned in closer. Suddenly Chad found it hard to swallow as he realized how far he had leaned in, well within Jensen's personal space, the sprinkle of freckles more prominent as he continued staring, amazed at Jensen's beauty. Even with Jensen purposely avoiding looking at him, his eyes downcast, lashes too long for any girl, Chad couldn't deny Jensen had starred in more than a few of his fantasies—with or without Jared.

His voice hitched in what Chad hoped was a husky intimate whisper rather than the hopeless whine he feared, "but I was under the distinct impression you preferred to be on the receiving end."

Beer suddenly spewed from Jensen's mouth. Jerkily looking up, Jensen's eyes bulged as he stared at Chad, neither of them laughing, Chad's _offer_ hung out there unable to be taken back. Forcibly he kept his eyes opened and waited. Inwardly, Chad cringed and cursed as he tried to brace for Jensen's fist once Jensen came out of his self-imposed shock. But it was Chad who was shocked when Jensen suddenly blushed and turned away, nervously taking several long swigs of his beer.

It was one of those moments where time stretched. Chad swallowed at the implication and started to connect the dots. It definitely took him by surprise.

Eyes transfixed, Chad watched as Jensen's fingers fidgeted with the bottle, before Jensen finally tipped the bottle back to chug the last swallows. Chad stared, his imagination suddenly fueled, replacing the bottle in Jensen's hands, a fantasy vivid of Jensen's lips wrapped and stretched wide around a cock sliding down—his cock.

Shaking himself from the image, Chad refocused and zeroed in on Jensen's panicked eyes as he tried to speak, "I don't know who…" Jensen's blush deepened as he stumbled unable to finish the sentence.

Without thinking Chad broke character and blurted out, "It's true?"

Not that any of it was his business—except he did just proposition Jensen. He had visualized Jensen's lips around his cock, had even offered his own ass to be fucked. Suddenly fighting for air Chad swallowed, a whimpered, _"fuck"_

Ridged shoulders slumped; Chad watched as the realization hit Jensen that he had just given himself away, that Chad had just played him—that Chad hadn't known. The stunned look on Jensen's face of what he just revealed, Jensen stood there, his face open and vulnerable, eyes scrutinizing and gauging Chad.

Whatever Jensen saw wasn't good, he straightened, using his full height and leaned in close, his breath ghosting over Chad's face, green eyes blazing with fury, his voice low, cold and hard, accentuating every syllable. "Just keep your fucking cakehole shut."

Suddenly it was no longer a game. Chad barely heard Jensen. Instead his pulse pounded, like a dam burst, his own voice, desperate, "I wouldn't… would never tell."

Without thinking he reacted and took another step forward "Doesn't answer my question." Chad practically purred as he pressed his body closer a hand blindly reaching out to firmly caress Ackles' side—his breath hot and uneven, and with a slight tilt to the left Chad's lips hovered over Jensen's ear. Ignoring both the voice in his head and his thundering heart, he whispered, "Be my girl?"

The question hung in the air. Neither moved, Chad's panting breath hitched, as his hand seemed to have a mind of its own and weaved a path down toward Jensen's cock. His fingers moved tracing the length.

Just as Chad palmed Jensen's length, he was forcibly shoved back.

Between gritted teeth seething with anger, Jensen demanded, "Hands off!

Thoroughly wasted, and in shock, Chad stared dumbfound through a haze of lust

"Let's get a couple of things straight—I'm not a fucking chick…" Jensen leaned in. His voice lowered to a gritty whisper that carried Jensen's anger, his tone unforgiving against Chad's ear. "And I'd never bottom for your fucking dick!" He pulled back slightly, his finger pressed into Chad's chest poking hard and emphasizing every word.

Jensen swept his hand over his face, raking it through his hair in aggravation. "Fucking knew it! Everything about you was-it's nothing but a fucking act, lies, that's all you know, isn't it?" Disgusted, Jensen shook his head and huffed, "You're a better actor than I ever gave you credit for. Sadly anything I could say to Jared… he wouldn't listen anyway. Seriously trusts your ass… just…" Jensen heaved then exhaled, "just stay the fuck away from me." then turned and started to walk away. With no other words, only the gesture of a hand wave that was meant to dismiss Chad's presence.

Chad's head throbbed; anger, panic, hurt and confusion stirred in his chest. In a frantic response, he stepped forward and firmly grabbed Jensen's arm, spinning him around and up against a wall.

At Jensen's glare, Chad's hands immediately dropped to his sides, but he continued to block Jensen from moving away. "Don't! Don't fucking bring _Jared_ into this! Whatever this is—was, is between us. Me, my fault!" Shaking his head as if to clear it from the alcoholic haze, "And this… I don't know what the fuck this is. I was pissed, jealous, afraid that Jared told you anything…" Catching his breath, Chad continued, "I _**fucked up**_! Don't you know I always do! Then you came over…I don't want your fucking sympathy! Especially not from you, I still don't. It hurt, ok? And it pissed me off, so I played you. Thought it'd get a rise out of you, wanted to piss you off. Wanted you to hit…." Chad paused and looked to make sure Jensen was listening. Swallowing he lowered his voice and looked up through his lashes, "It doesn't matter. Honestly I had no clue, it was dumb luck. I wouldn't say anything… then it changed, I wanted, was interested…." Chad's voice pitched desperate, "But this isn't about Jared, I wouldn't, couldn't hurt Jared…"

As soon as the words left his mouth Chad heard himself, realizing he just lied. There was a part of him wanted Jared to hurt, to make Jared jealous—for Jared to want him. Chad searched Jensen's face; trying to find answers to questions he didn't know and couldn't answer. Right now Chad's feelings were there, ready to openly admit he wanted dick—more surprisingly at the moment it was Jensen's dick that he wanted instead of Jared's and he still did.

It was a shock, how badly he wanted Jensen. It shouldn't be a surprise, Jensen was hot, and he had even crept into one or two of Chad's fantasies. Instantly Chad understood, with Jensen it was purely physical where Chad only wanted a quick hard groping fuck. But as usual, he'd fucked things up. And this time there was a direct connection to Jared, and the last thing he wanted to do was fuck up his relationship with Jay—intentionally or not.

However his biggest surprise tonight wasn't the drama of everything but rather the sudden depth of his feelings—to willingly say yes to a man, to openly accept and be accepted, something he had only done once, with Jay. Jensen wasn't Jared, and though it started all wrong part, there was a part of it that felt good, felt right.

The thought of Jensen fucking him hard, Jensen's hand tanning his hide, had his cock so hard that not even the melodrama of the moment deflated his interest. No, the real problem was he was feeling _ahellofalot_ more than that, and because it was Jensen it should scare the hell out of him, but what really scared him was this time it was screwing everything up with Jared.

If Jared was here, he'd happily remind him that was that one of Chad's biggest problems in life was jumping into situations—leaping without thinking and allowing either his dick or heart to lead him, and here he was doing it again. Ready to let his dick lead. This time, it wasn't just anyone, it was Jensen, and this hadn't even gone anywhere, not to mention Jensen wasn't interested and was beyond pissed. And wasn't that just fucked up, because all he wanted to do was kiss Jensen and somehow make it better.

Just as Chad was about to act on that thought he stopped himself short staring into Jensen's accusing eyes. Freaked by his reactions, guilt for betraying Jared and plagued by self-doubt, and guilt for betraying Jared Chad immediately started to backpeddle. Physically shaken by his own actions and thoughts, he mumbled, "I'm sorry, ok…sorry." He then quickly turned around and escaped through the crowd.

*~*~*~*

Even after he lost sight of Chad, Jensen just stood there dazed, not ready to name what he thought he had seen reflected in Chad's eyes.

Suddenly a hand waved in front of his face, "Hey Jen, you ok?"

Startled, Jensen turned to see Jeff. "Huh? I…yes, no, yes…fuck!" Distractingly and more on reflex his hands reached out and patted Jeff's shoulder and back for a second before he moved past him in his haste to go after Chad. "Sorry man, I'll catch up with you later, alright?"

Jensen didn't bother to wait for a response as he hurriedly pushed his way through the crowd in the last direction he saw Chad disappear.

*~*~*~*

Chad maneuvered his way in and out, pushing his way through the crowd going as fast as his legs would carry him, holding it together until he found the bathroom. Bumping past someone, he rushed into a stall and closed the door just making it as his stomach emptied.

Chad barely heard the bathroom door open, or the knock on his stall with his head over the toilet retching. "Murray that you? Tossing your cookies already?"

Chad didn't answer, instead continued to empty his stomach. The person knocked again, "Hey, you okay?"

It was a voice he recognized, but his head was pounding, and made it too difficult to think. No point making excuses on the obvious. Though for the benefit of whoever it was, Chad quickly replied, with hopes they'd leave, "Yeah yeah, I'm fine. Will be."

Instead Chad heard the guy chuckle, voice softening, telling him that maybe it was time to go home. That he'd made his appearance, to just take a cab, or if Chad wanted, he'd take Chad home.

Chad shook his head, silently telling himself he was fine, he could handle this —he wasn't. Nothing in his life was fine, and to top it off he'd just come out to Jensen. Chad coughed, dry heaving, spitting bits of drool into the toilet. Wiping his chin, he stood then flushed the toilet. His head felt pulverized, as he tried to place a name, or even a face to the voice.

Cautiously swinging the door open, Chad saw it was Mike Rosenbaum. With barely a nod in acknowledgement, Chad hung his head silently cursing, _Great, just fucking great!_ and made his way over to the sink to wash his hands, bending down cupping water to drink, swishing, and then spitting it back out. Splashing water over his face and neck, trying to sober up, or just enough to at least fake it in front of Mike. Gripping the counter, he waited, braced himself for the verbal backlash of ridicule he was sure Rosenbaum would be directing his way. Giving him shit, going off on him that he was a pussy, unable to hold his liquor.

He waited, nothing happened. Shutting off the water, though still not ready to move, or turn around to face Rosenbaum, Chad dragged his hands over his jeans wiping them dry, before pulling the tail end of his shirt up, to wipe the dripping water from his face.

Leaving his shirt untucked Chad turned, expecting Mike to start in on him. What he didn't expect was to find Rosenbaum worriedly staring at him, his face a somber look of concern.

Chad didn't bother waiting for Mike to ask if he was okay, or for him to play therapist. Instead, Chad let his anger slip and stepped up into Mike's face, jabbing a finger in his chest. "Fuck off, just fuck off!" Turned on his heel and walked out of the bathroom. What he needed to do was get the fuck out of here. To get a bottle, and this time he needed to find oblivion. He continued walking, ignoring the decisive sway of his body or the lurch from his stomach over the thought of more drinking. He didn't care it, didn't matter, not now. Nothing did. He just fucked up to the wrong person - Jensen. The only person Jared would listen to.

*~*~*~

Jensen had already made it through the crowd once, and checked to see if Chad had left - he hadn't. Finally making excuses and escaping a small group, Jensen worked his way back into the crowd hoping that he'd have better luck this time. Fact was he was nervous, pissed with himself that had he allowed Chad to get to him. He knew how Chad was, didn't need Jared to tell him that Chad pushed out of defensiveness, was usually a bigger ass. Or he usually didn't need Jared to tell him. Today, he just wasn't expecting Chad to come out, or to aggressively come on to him.

Not that he was surprised that Chad leaned in his direction. Jared hadn't said anything, but everything Jared hadn't said now made sense.

In regards to the public, Jensen was definitely in the closet. He had made a conscious decision to go as far as he could on Hollywood's version of _don't ask, don't tell_ , at least until he made a niche within the industry, and built a nice nest egg before he got out, and well, came out. Though among family and close friends they all knew the truth, including Jared. Though it had been over a year before he finally told Jared.

Jared had said he didn't have any problem with Jensen being gay, and had even gone as far as saying he understood his decision about his career. What had hurt Jared was that Jensen had waited that long before he finally told Jared. Hurt enough that a couple of times with a few drinks in, Jared had gone off about trust, about not hiding in a fucking closet especially to your friends. He got it now that it wasn't a rant solely directed at him, but also toward Chad.

Chad, _fuck!_ The dude was on self-destruct, and he just might have helped push him toward the edge.

Remembering Chad's frantic look. Jensen had to admit that at the time it was happening, he didn't give a shit, he was too pissed. Didn't really think beyond the fact that Chad had just come on to him publicly, where anyone could have seen or heard. Only to find out seconds later he had been played. It fucking hurt!

He was only thankful he hadn't said anything, at least not what he wanted to say that danced on the tip of his tongue. It was bad enough that his anger had gotten the best of him, and he had no excuse for it other than Chad got under his skin. Jensen hated to admit it, but he was interested—and that just confused and pissed him off more because he didn't even think about Jared.

By the time he did think of Jared, he'd just allowed the anger to egg him on. Striking back, angry and defensive throwing it right back in Chad's face.

Watching the blood draining from Chad's face as he suddenly sobered enough to realize what he had done, what he had said, but it was Chad's almost desperate plea that he wouldn't hurt Jared when Jensen saw the truth, and realized Chad was in love with Jared. _Fuck!_

Suddenly Jensen had to stop as the pain on Chad's face swam before him. His voice cracked, desperate as he pleaded, _"Don't! Don't fucking bring Jared into this! Whatever this is—was, is between us. Me, my fault!"_ He's not even sure if Chad knew what his eyes were telegraphing, that whatever mask he usually wore had crumbled. The clear panic and desperation was easy to spot, but Jensen was shocked to see the raw love Chad had for Jared reflected there.

Jensen knew Chad loved Jared, just as Jared loved Chad, but he had read it only as love of a friend, a brother, like he had for Chris. But staring into Chad's eyes, seeing them so unveiled, his eyes had revealing the truth. That's when Jensen's anger really spiked because if Chad felt that way about Jared, why the fuck was he coming on to him? But even as the thought crossed his mind, his own reaction colored his guilt, and clamped his mouth shut, 'cause he was no better than Chad. Worse, he wasn't drunk he had no _fucking_ excuse to why he had almost responded.

Shaking himself from the thought, belatedly Jensen decided now wasn't the time to think about that. What he needed to do was find Chad; Jensen had an inexplicable urge to make sure Chad was okay, safe.

Pushing through the crowd, suddenly someone grabbed at his shirt. Annoyed, Jensen didn't even bother to look instead he just pulled away. Breaking free he continued through the crowd to lose whoever it was. Fingers suddenly wrapped around and gripped his arm tight, yanking him back, making him stop in his tracks that Jensen had to look. It was Jared.

Jared was standing alone, grinning, his hand anchored around Jensen's bicep before dropping it. His smile widened further, showing all thirty-two teeth. "Hey, where's the fire?"

He didn't answer, but Jared got the message that something was wrong. The friendly casualness was suddenly gone, as Jared easily glanced over the crowd's heads looking around. He tipped his head in the direction he wanted Jensen to follow.

For a heartbeat he thought about ditching him as he watched Jared get further ahead, but instinctively knew that'd only make things worse. Taking a deep breath he followed, and made his way through the crowd, still glancing around looking for Chad as he did. For a second he did lose Jared, but then suddenly felt Jared's arm directing him toward the wall and a concealed door, as Jared opened it and guided Jensen through.

Silence followed as the music and noise of the crowds were suddenly cut off.

"Better?" Jared asked as he turned on the lights.

Confused, Jensen just shook his head, "What?" The room was empty; glancing around he realized it was an adjoining room, and they were at the back of a banquet hall, with a dozen large tables each dressed, with a full bar at the far end.

"Alright what's going on?"

Frustrated, and slightly dazed not exactly sure what to say, or even how to say it. Jensen sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. Heard Jared's own frustration, "Jen, what the hell…"

Without looking at Jared, swallowing pass the lump in his throat, he choked out. "Chad."

Jared stiffened, "What? Something happened? Shit. I knew something was going on…"

"He's fine, or at least he was last time I saw him. Man, I don't know how to tell you this…" he paused, nervously rubbing hand over the back of his neck.

Jared's "Jen…" prompted him to talk.

"Shit! Chad, he came on to me." After a minute of silence, he looked up. Whatever he expected to see on Jared's face, surprised shock, anger, confusion, betrayal … whatever, but guilt was nowhere on the list. This time Jensen had to ask, "What, you knew?"

Jared didn't answer him, instead he rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes, hung his head, his fingers carting through his hair, bending over, and kept muttering, "Fuck!" over and over.

"Jared? What the hell?"

"Where is he, does he know? Shit, I should have told him…"

"Yeah, well how about telling me what's going on, huh? Cause Jay, I'm in the fucking dark here." Actually he wasn't completely in the dark, but Jared's reaction had thrown him off. Helplessly he watched as Jared started pacing, then stated again, "Should have told him" Stopping he turned and faced Jensen, asking demanding, "Does he know? Know about us?"

Jensen couldn't stop himself from glancing about the room again making sure they were still alone. They were, he nodded in satisfaction. The motion shook the dull headache that had started with Chad and then reenergized until it started to throb. Looking over at Jared, he saw the blood was drained from Jared's face. _What the fuck_ then belatedly realized he had nodded, Jared thought he had answered Jared's question about Chad—that Chad knew about them.

Then he blurted out, "Shit! No. No, he doesn't know. Doesn't know about us." At Jared's shaky exhale of relief, Jensen hastily pulled out a chair demanding that Jared sit. Awkwardly he did. Jensen crossed over to the bar, stepping behind it, opening the cooler and took out two beers, snapping the caps before heading back. Setting the beer down in front of Jared, Jensen sat down. Then he prodded, "Alright, now breathe, then start at the beginning, okay?"

"The beginning, that's funny."

Except Jared wasn't laughing, Jen scooted closer, lowering his voice, trying to convey his sincerity to offer his encouragement, "Jared."

"Jen, I should have told him, told you… but everything seemed to happen so fast even if it wasn't. Then it just got to this point and by then I didn't know how to. Everything in his life was falling apart, you know? I didn't want to add to it… Thought I'd have more time." Jared grabbed his beer and took a long swig.

Still confused, Jensen was about to nudge Jared further for more information.

"You know he's had a serious thing for you, shit, since Dark Angel." Slouching, allowing his bangs to hide his eyes, his voice softened as he shrugged. "I don't know, but in the beginning I though it was just a crush. Said he even had one on me before you. Used to tease the shit out of him. But he wasn't like you, no one else knew. No other friends, certainly not his family. I had asked Rex once… kinda, but."

Stunned, Jensen took another sip. Careful to swallow, as his heart skipped, beating faster, Jared had mistakenly thought that Chad only had a crush on him _once a long time ago_ not that Chad was head over heels _in love_ with Jared now. And Chad was, Jensen was sure of it, had seen it in his eyes.

"You may not know it, but I don't actually like Rex. There's just something, I don't know, just he can be a bigger _dick_ than Chad ever could. Ended up chalking the extreme _in the closet_ thing up to the fact that his family was homophobic. Probably why he's stayed in the closet for so long - not just the industry, but his whole family, and I told you about his mother."

"Jared?"

"I didn't tell him. Should have when things ended with Sandy. After you, he was there, even before my own brother - that's when I should have told him, and I didn't. All I could think about was myself, Sandy…" he sunk lower, and added, "you."

"At the time it was, I don't know, I was too fucked up. One week Sandy and I are making plans for the wedding, the next it was over." Jared turned in his seat, "You know how hard… I was a coward, I didn't even know. Sandy got it, understood my feelings before I did, _shit_!"

"Jared, you're not a coward."

He didn't look up, instead Jared's thumbnail dug into the paper, ripping the label on his beer bottle, raking it free of the bottle. From under his lashes, he gazed at Jensen. "Don't get me wrong, us, I'm happy—more than happy." He turned away, gazing at the beer, his voice sullen. "Doesn't change what I did, or the fact that Chad was always there for me, that I knew how he felt about you - that I've had a _year_ to tell him the truth" His voice rising in anger and conviction. "A _**year**_ Jensen, so don't tell me I'm not a _fucking_ coward!" In frustration, Jared stood knocking against the table as he did. The beer wobbled, Jensen catching it before it fell. Jared's terse, "Sorry" followed.

Sighing, Jensen took a shaky breath and stood. Setting both beers down, he walked over to Jared. His finger slid over poking at Jared's closed fist, until Jared hooked a finger with his. "Look at me, please." Childishly Jared's eyes purposely darted away. Jensen waited; Jared rolled his eyes then exaggeratedly sighed before they slowly settled back on Jensen.

Jensen bit back his smile, but squeezed Jared's finger, pleased he had Jared's full attention. "I'll only say this once Jay, so listen up, you're not a coward, not then, not now."

He could feel that Jared was about to protest. "No, don't. I love you, so I don't fucking care." He tugged on Jared's finger hard enough to jerk him forward to kiss him. "Jen." Jared tried to lean back, but Jensen followed. "No." His lips ghosted over Jared's, his tongue peeked out with small licks encouraging Jared to open further, to accept his kiss. "Don't care."

Jared relented, opening his mouth further, returning Jensen's kisses with equal fervor "Jen…"

Either heard or saw that they had an audience.

*~*~*~*

Immobile, Chad stood there watching, stunned to see Jared and Jensen kissing. It wasn't like a small thank you kiss, or even an accidental first-time kiss. The kiss was intimate, one of familiarity, and that seriously shocked him. Questions of when, how, why, all ricocheted through his head, enough that he had to clench his fists to stop shaking.

Startled, Chad turned toward the closed door where he just came from, as he heard voices behind the door coming toward him. Quickly Chad glanced back, to see that they hadn't stopped kissing, that they didn't hear, and didn't know they were about to be outted if he didn't say or do something.

Devastated, hurt and angry Chad just stood watching them. He shouldn't care, but the fact was he did.

Forcibly he turned away, spied a tray of clean bar glasses on the counter, and then scanned for a bottle of Jack. The reason he was there in the first place. Spotting the Jack, he snatched it off the counter. With his other hand he gripped the tray and pulled, letting it drop to the floor. Listening to the loud sound of glass crashing and shattering on the floor as he turned and left. Outside, leaning against the wall he started chugging down a shot, his throat burning with each swallow. Slowly he pulled it away, saw the people behind the voices he had heard, hotel staff, standing there gawking at him in shock. Protectively he clutched the bottle of Jack to his chest, glancing back toward the closed door. Thumbing toward the door, he muttered a pitiful 'sorry'. Before they could ask anything, his body slumped forward, pitched at a slant as he moved past the staff, and tried to high tail it out of there as fast as he could.

He had just turned down a different hall, barely registering, "Mr. Murray, wait, please." Reaching the door someone ran up, a hand pulling him to a stop. "Whoa, wait, you don't want to go that way, Mr. Murray." Dumbfounded, Chad just starred at him.

The kid nervously swallowed, slightly panting. "The press sir, going through there that'd take you to the lobby and it's crawling with press. If you let me…" His hand took Chad by the elbow, guiding him down a hall.

Chad shook his head shocked that anyone would care. Jared obviously didn't. His stomach turned at the thought; thankfully it was already empty. Disregarding the twist in his gut, and forcibly ignoring the images of Jared's disapproval flitting through his mind, he lifted the bottle, stopping to take a long swig, then another, leaning against the wall as they waited for the elevator.

Hesitantly the kid asked, "Sir, Mr. Murray, ah don't you think you've had enough?"

Licking his lips, Chad opened his eyes, staring at the kid's nametag, Bobby. Shaking his head, "Chad, just Chad, Bobby."

The kid nodded, a silly grin in place obviously pleased that he took notice of his name. "Alright, Chad. Ah, can I?" Then his chin hitched toward the bottle.

Chad looked down to the bottle he held tightly in a death grip. He looked the kid up and down, and suddenly realized Bobby wasn't a kid. He stood close to Chad's height, an inch or two taller or shorter, Chad couldn't tell especially since his own stance was wobbly, as his knees wouldn't straighten, ready to fold under him if given the opportunity. Bobby had a mop of dark hair that needed to be combed. Long bangs were neatly tucked behind his ears; the rest hung straight just brushing his collar. With light blue-gray eyes that opened wider as Chad continued to stare. Repeatedly licking his own dry lips, savoring the taste of the Jack, Chad stared at the kid's lips. Watching with fascinated when the kid did the same, mirroring Chad's actions, nodding as if Chad had silently asked him something.

Bobby was suddenly on his cell, speaking rapidly to someone in bits of Spanish, English and something else. Too fast for Chad to pick up on what he was saying, then he decided he didn't care, instead he took another long swallow, spilling a little as he was unexpectedly guided into the elevator.

Bobby said something, his face split into a grin, laughing as the doors reopened and Chad was suddenly tugged and dragged through a series of halls, through an alcove to a door that led to a secluded patio outside. It was dark, quiet, a few stone tables scattered around, the area hidden behind tall hedges, in the back of the hotel.

Smugly the kid looked around, then up to Chad, answering Chad's unasked question. "It's an employee smoking area, and no one that's on tonight smokes." His eyes roamed over Chad's body. "We'll have some privacy, as soon as…

"Ah here's Roberto, you don't mind do you, he's a huge fan, I had to let him know you were here."

Confused Chad whispered, "Roberto?"

"I know, but it's easier, less confusing having everyone here calling us Bobby, and we both hate Bob, and Robert, but Roberto has a nicer ring, don't you think?" Chad had tuned out Bobby's ramble and turned toward the newcomer, Roberto, he was shorter than the kid, heavier, and stockier, in dress uniform, obviously another hotel staffer, Roberto came over, openly happy. He blatantly leered, sexual innuendo clear.

Chad returned the stare, a ping of warning signals were sounding off in his head and gut, something about this wasn't right— he had to get the hell out of here.

Belatedly Chad nodded in greeting, stepping back from Roberto, almost colliding with Bobby. He didn't know what to say, but he needed to leave. Stalling to think of something, he started to take another swallow. Abruptly Bobby took hold of the bottle, pulling it away and spilling more of the JD down Chad's shirt as he did. Setting it down on a nearby table, said "Have something better for you to suck on." Bobby's hand clamped over his shoulder, pushing him down. Under the pressure his knees instantly buckled, hitting the floor in a painful jerk.

The pain ricocheted up, but he didn't have time to contemplate why, as his head was yanked forward. Hands sloppily caressed his face, fingers running over his lips. Through a haze of alcohol, he was barely aware of what Bobby was doing, or saying. Bobby's fist clutched his hair pulling, jerking his head further back. Suddenly he saw then felt the slick head of Bobby's cock being swiped across his lips, Bobby's clipped, stilted words, "Go ahead, I know you want it, open up…" Dazed, clearly confused, Chad's lips opened in pain as the kid's grip tightened and painfully yanked on his hair. "Yeah that's it. You want it don't you? Such a _good boy_ , ahhhhhhhhh."

Confused as the words swam in his ear, another voice, Hilarie's voice came to his mind. He remembered she had said similar words, _good boy_ her words and voice echoed within his head, _telling him to open wider_. Then he saw Jared standing there, snickering, laughing as he watched, with Jensen pressed into his side. Leaning into Jared, Jensen laughed, 'See I told you he was a slut. Ready to drop to his knees.'

Suddenly, the side of his face and ear was burning, the kid screaming at him, "Shit! No fucking teeth. Do that again, and we'll give you worse… Oh yeah that's better, relax and open your throat, oh yeah…"

Unexpectedly Chad couldn't breathe, his hands pushed against Bobby's thighs, as he moved trying to get away. Bobby swiftly reacted, punching his back; his other hand fisted in his hair, holding his head tight. A wall was suddenly at his back blocking him from escaping, weighted pressure over his hands had them anchored in place on Bobby's hips. "Through your nose, asshole… breathe through your nose."

Trapped, Chad struggled to make his body obey.

*~*~*~

The garden décor was starting to get to Jeff, as he tried to remember the directions if it was a left or right. Each hall corridor was different, but to his eyes they blended together. All Jeff wanted to do was avoid the throngs of paparazzi camped out front, and find the damn hall that led to the employees smoking section in the back. Cursing, almost contemplating just lighting up and paying a fine if he was caught, but his mother's disapproving frown kept him walking.

Deciding to go right, he had only passed a half a dozen rooms, walking a little too close to the wall around a curve when he was suddenly on top of a couple in a deep, intimate clinch, which Jeff accidentally interrupted by bumping the guy's shoulder. Ushering a quick, "Ah excuse me." he sidestepped back.

Jeff hesitated as he noticed the guy's shoulders tense, his body shifted as he turned to protect the lady behind him in order to face Jeff, and then broke out into a smile. "Jeff."

Jeff blinked and returned the smile as he suddenly recognized Chris. Grinning, he sheepishly added, "Oh hey, sorry about that." He glanced back down the hall, sheepishly announcing. "Think I'm lost. Was trying the smoking section."

Chris chuckled, "We're cool man. If you hang on a second I can show you."

Jeff nodded, about to say thanks, when the girl stepped up. "It's ok I…"

"Nah, I got it, sweetheart, you're already late. Beside we were just there; think I can find my way back." Chris leaned in and gave her a small peck; with the back of his hand he caressed her cheek before stepping back. Then he shifted a glance from the girl then back to Jeff. "Oh… Jeff, Karen, Karen, Jeff." Waving a hand between them with his quick introduction.

She smiled, but her eyes were still on Chris, it was obvious she didn't want him to leave. Turning to fully face Chris, grinning, she reminded him anyway. "Okay, halfway down, a right and an immediate left at end of the alcove." Chris nodded. Jeff was about to leave, to follow the directions himself and give them some privacy, but she was quicker as she leaned up to kiss Chris's cheek, and whispered, "Call me." Then she moved, calling over her shoulder to Jeff, "It was nice meeting you." And she was gone before he could utter the return sentiment.

Chris clapped his hand on Jeff's arm, "So a smoke?" Jeff looked down at Chris's hand, nodded, shaking his head, biting back a bubble of laughter. "Nice girl."

Nodding Chris agreed, "Yeah, yeah she is."

*~*~*

Abruptly Jared and Jensen pulled away from each other and turned toward the sound of something crashing. Out of the corner of his eye, Jensen noticed that Jared had absentmindedly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, before turning his attention toward the bar where the noise had come from.

Jensen couldn't deny that it irked him, that Jared had wiped his mouth, but now wasn't the time to get into it.

They waited, expecting to see someone coming or going. They glanced at each other then moved to investigate.

Behind the bar what they found was a tray of glasses, broken and shattered on the floor.

Jared chuckled, "An accident?"

Shaking his head, Jensen remembered, and looked from the tray to the counter and back again. "No, it wasn't sitting that close to the edge, someone must have shoved the tray, or dumped it on the floor."

They each turned toward the door hearing voices, then a door opened as hotel staff came in, their voices falling silent when they saw Jared and Jensen, their eyes shifting to the broken glass on the floor.

Jared nervously cleared his throat. "Ah we didn't, we were…" Then he turned to Jensen, lost, not sure what to say. His eyes widened as it suddenly occurred to him that whoever did this probably saw him and Jensen kissing. Instantly understanding that from here whoever it was had a clear view of them.

Jensen quickly grasped what happened. His eyes shifted catching only half of what the girl was saying, "… he apologized about the glasses, and the bottle he took. I'm sorry, but we'll have to say something, the hotel will want to charge…"

Though he didn't want to know, he had to know for sure who she was referring to, so Jensen interrupted, "Who?"

Startled by his demand, she stammered back, "Ch..." She blushed and corrected herself, "I mean Mr. Murray."

He was about to ask her if she was sure, but he could see in her eyes that she was. Absently he nodded, "Thanks." And pulled Jared toward the door.

Once free of an audience, he turned to Jared who at the moment looked more like Sam than ever. "It's okay, we'll find him. We will, and we'll work this out." Jared only nodded as they moved back toward the throng of people. Their objective clear: to find Chad Michael Murray.

*~*~*

Chad struggled for each breath, more out of sheer panic than obstruction, even as Bobby continued to slowly fuck his mouth. The pace was slow, leisurely; his fingers untangled in Chad's hair, and then started to pet through the strands.

Chad could hear the two men who held him kissing. Trapped between them, unable to physically move, he only hoped that once the kid came, it'd be his opportunity to get away. With that focus, Chad willingly opened his mouth wider, swallowing, sucking, and running his tongue along the kid's fat cock. Bobby's moans increased, raspy guttural words in Spanish filtered down to him.

Encouraged that Bobby would come, that he'd have a window to get away, Chad increased his endeavors.

What Chad didn't expect was the kid's sadistic streak, or his own reaction. Suddenly both of Bobby's hands were anchored over Chad's head, fingernails digging into his scalp forcibly holding Chad in place. Bobby's hips started to move forcibly abusing Chad's mouth and throat, pistoning in and out each thrust going deeper.

Abruptly Chad's nose was buried in pubic hair—memories colliding, flashes of when he was assaulted ages ago— it was too much. In sheer terror, Chad blindly started fighting, pushing back, his hands clawed and dug into skin, scratching deeply, raking and drawing blood. His lips uncurled from over his teeth, scraping down over the cock in his mouth.

A high pitched scream pierced the air, followed by a tumble of words Chad didn't recognize, and he didn't care because his mouth was empty, even as his head was on the receiving end of several blows. Hands on his body yanked and manhandled, pushing his body about like a rag doll; hands from behind gripped hard, angling his hips, then fingers fumbled with his pants opening and pulling them down. Blind awareness hit that it wasn't over, Chad started kicking, his body twisting about, though sore, he tried begging for them to stop. A stinging, open handed slap stunned Chad still as he heard Bobby address him. "Stupid fuck! We'd have made it nice."

Frantic, Chad shook his head, his throat aching, voice barely above a whisper, continued his pathetic attempts to yell, to raise some ruckus, to attract someone's attention. Once again, Bobby's hand gripped and fisted into Chad's hair, jerking his face up. His breath hot on Chad's face, demanding. "We'll stop once you play nice." An assenting grunt followed Roberto's painful hold as his fingers dug further into Chad's hips and then unexpectedly released Chad, his body falling into a heap.

Dazed and suddenly free, Chad didn't bother to question why, only struggled to get up only to be hindered by his pants still partially down. With both hands he hastily pulled them up, fastening the zipper and button. He could hear the shuffling sounds of fighting, distractedly he turned in time to see Bobby's face connect with someone's fist, his head swung from the impact, arms flailing as he went down hard, knocked out before he even hit the ground.

Chad turned in time to see Roberto forcibly go to his knees, his arms pulled into a stretch behind his back. A curtain of hair hid the guy's face, and though he was smaller in size than Roberto, it was obvious the guy had skills. By the whimpering sounds coming from Roberto, whatever the guy was doing was quite painful.

Chad blinked, instinctively jerking away when he saw a hand in front of him. Belatedly he realized it belong to the guy who was trying to help. Immediately, the guy held up both his hands, and bent down, speaking as he slowly offered his hand again. The tone of his voice was gentle, soft, caressing. A tone he'd often heard Rex use trying to get his mom to go sleep it off.

Blinking, just blankly staring at the guy, he didn't even realize what the guy was saying until the guy turned, and he got a delayed recall of the guy saying something along the lines that they needed to call the cops, get an ambulance.

Panicked, Chad reached out grabbing the guy's wrist to stop him. The words were sticking in his throat, but finally he was able to blurt, "No!"

The guy sighed, still staring, his concern palpable. Awkwardly Chad just sat, returning the guy's stare. His walls gone, emotionally bare Chad could only silently implore. Hoping that the guy would listen, would understand, as he softly muttered, "No."

"Chad, it's okay, we'll go with you." The guy helping him slowly inclined his head toward the other guy who had come in with him. Chad turned, his headache increasing as he become conscious that the guy knew him, had called him by name. Then he saw the other person still holding Roberto—was Chris Kane. Turning back, he really looked at the other guy, his name at the tip on his tongue, finally recognizing him as Jeffrey Dean Morgan— _ **fuck!**_

Immediately he rolled, coughing and splitting as nausea and realization hit—that Chris and Jeff had just saved him from… from what? Shaking his head he couldn't, didn't want to face the answer. It didn't matter anyways it was his fault. He should have known what Bobby wanted, did know, he just didn't respond fast enough. In the end it was his fault, it was always his fault, he knew that.

Chad felt Jeff kneeling near him. At first his hand hovered cautiously, then slowly started to caress Chad's back in soothing circles as Chad continued to cough, his body quaking. Forcibly Chad held his breath, concentrating. Felt the heat on his back from the Jeff's hand.

Feeling calmer, Chad moved to stand, this time accepting Jeff's help as he stood.

A groan suddenly broke the silence. Chad turned toward the sound, to see Bobby's body moving, his eyes opened, though only to mere slits. His confusion clear as he looked around then instantly stilled as he spotted Chad. His eyes narrowed this time menacingly as he looked directly at Chad, and started to get up. Then immediately his body fell back, his eyes notably widening once he saw Jeff.

A sharp whine resounded, reminding them that Chris was still forcibly holding Roberto. "Jeff?"

Shaking his head, Chad forcibly pushed back the panicked voice of his younger self, screaming in his head, _Don't not again! Tell them the truth._  
Dismissing his internal plea Chad bit the inside of his cheek, reached for his back pocket, pleased to find his wallet still there. Chad had to have this go away; he couldn't let Jeff or Chris believe this was anything more than a misunderstanding. Ignoring the quiver of his fingers, Chad opened his billfold, pulling out several twenties and a couple of hundreds. Walking over to Bobby, he swallowed. "I'm fine! Nothing happened that I didn't ask for…." Pausing, his eyes narrowed, looking down at Bobby, daring the kid to refute him. "Things got a little carried away, but we're good, right Bobby?"

The kid audibly swallowed, only pausing a second as he licked his lips and quickly nodded, his smile hesitant. "Yeah, we're good, just having a little fun."

Chad nodded, his teeth grinding, and dropped the money over the kid. Devoid of emotion, his voice deadpanned, "Yeah fun… now we're done."

The kid's brow lifted, like he was about to argue, but as Jeff stepped closer he clamped his mouth shut, averting his eyes. Tentatively Jeff's hand clasped Chad's shoulder, his tone still gentle, laid with a noticeable underlining fierceness that Chad instinctively knew wasn't directed at him, and frankly surprised him. "Chad, that's not what we saw. You don't have…"

Chad didn't let him finish. "No!" Without waiting, or turning back, Chad quickly found the exit and walked out.

*~*~*~*

Stunned, Jeff just stood there watching as Chad walked out.

Absently Jeff rubbed a finger over his scar at his temple. It was a permanent reminder, that sometimes people, even if they're screaming for help, don't actually want it, or that they're just not ready to accept help. Where Chad fit, he wasn't positive, Jeff had definitely made the wrong call before one that got him the scar and letting Chad walk away not calling anyone, felt wrong. His finger caressed along the scar, his gut twisting, knowing that even if he got hurt again he couldn't just walk away, everything in him was telling him that Chad needed help. _**"Shit!"**_

"Yeah that kind of sums it up. What do you want to do with these two?" Chris asked, still holding the other guy. Chris pulled on his arms back to force an unnatural stretch, even with his head hanging in defeat, it didn't hide the tears, whether from pain or humiliation that were falling freely down his face.

Overwhelmed, Jeff felt momentarily numb. Too horrified by what he and Chris had walked in on, what he had seen in Chad's eyes when he tried to help him up, of how Chad had just walked out… he needed to go after him, but couldn't stop shifting his glare between Chad's two attackers.

He didn't even realized Chris had taken the decision away from him until he heard the other guy crying and repeating over and over that he was sorry. Chris had changed positions, had the guy bent face down on the bench, Chris's boot on the guy's back, his hand holding the guy's arm, twisted up across his back, freeing Chris other hand to use his cell.

Worriedly Jeff asked, "Who you calling?"

"Don't worry I got this…" the heel of his foot pressed, grinding down. A pitiful moan followed. "Go on go after Chad."

Jeff started to move, then caught some movement from the corner of his eye, the other guy Bobby was trying to discreetly reach out for the money.

Jeff didn't stop to think, just moved. Hauling the guy up, pulling him close as Jeff slammed his back into the wall staring him down. The level of hate and furious anger Jeff felt toward this man, about what he had done to Chad, had walked in on, had Jeff shaking. Jeff watched as his eyes shifted around frantically then spotted his friend, belatedly realizing that his friend couldn't help him, that Chris forcibly held him in place.

Jeff leaned in, making the guy flinch, his breath ghosting over the guy's ear; the color of hatred filled the heated gravel of his voice. "Doesn't matter what Chad says, I know what you did, what both of you were doing…. what you would have done." For emphasis he rapidly slammed the guy's body hard against the wall, making him bounce. Jeff heard him grunt from the force as he closed his eyes from the pain Jeff was causing. Jeff blew air against his face, silently demanding that he open his eyes. He did. "Say one word, come near him…." purposely letting him read Jeff's intent. Seeing the look of terror, Jeff slowly smiled, and coldly added. "I'll enjoy myself."

When Jeff was sure he got the message, he turned roughly, still holding him with his left hand, and landed a perfect right hook, knocking the guy unconscious.

Dropping his hold, Jeff toed the collapsed body, turning toward Chris. "You sure?"

With a wide grin, obvious that he enjoyed the show, Chris nodded. "Yeah, now get the hell…"

Jeff didn't wait for Chris to finish. He turned and ran after Chad, had to trust that Chris could handle the rest.

*~*~*~

Anxious, Jeff pushed open the door; turning a corner ready to race down the hall, not sure how far Chad could have walked in his condition. He had held Chad, felt the tremors. Even with that bit of defiance, of bravado, Jeff knew the truth that it was only an act.

Thankfully just as he turned the corner, he found Chad, almost running him over in his haste. Chad stood, standing, or rather slouched leaning up against the wall. "Hey?"

Cautiously, Jeff came closer. Chad didn't move. His head fell forward.

Bending down, slouching so he could see into Chad's face, and cursing when he saw tears running down his face.

Suddenly Chad was aware someone was there, and swung out. It was wild, still his fist connected solidly with Jeff's side. Holding his hands up, Jeff stepped forward, closing the gap for greater impact. Talking as he inched forward, a running dialog, repeating the same things over and over, "Hey, Chad, it's ok, you're safe now. It's me, Jeff. Not going to hurt you, …shush, it's okay…."

Chad didn't respond or acknowledge that he understood, instead he keep hitting. After the first punch, each blow and hit he delivered was weak. It was clear that Chad's body had exhausted his reserves. Jeff waited, Chad's attempts sluggish, as he burnt off the remaining adrenaline.

Worn, breathing heavily, Chad slumped against the wall. Jeff kept up his vigil, softly repeating that it was going to be okay, that Chad was safe.

Chad grasped at Jeff's open shirt, his fist clenching tight, pulling himself up. Close enough that Jeff could feel the shudders running through Chad's body as Chad hung on. Without hesitation Jeff's arms encircled Chad's body in a hug. Chad stilled. Jeff's voice was low, only for Chad's ears, he kept up the same mantra, telling Chad he was safe now. His hands soothingly rubbed over Chad's back. It took him several minutes, but Chad finally relented, his body slowly relaxing in Jeff's arms.

As Chad calmed within his embrace, the quivering tremors under Chad skin increased. Jeff responded by gripping Chad tighter.

They stayed like that for a while, until Jeff heard the elevator. Deciding he didn't want to find out to see who it was, Jeff pulled back from Chad. Chad's fists clenched tighter on Jeff's shirt, silently asking him to stay.

Jeff hushed him, "It's okay, but we need to get you out of here without those paparazzi moneys out front finding out."

Chad looked like shit, he had snot running from his nose, his pupils were blown, irises completely bloodshot, lashes wet from his tears, his eyes were wide and innocent. The sharp clarity of blue, as bright the sky on a summer's day; Jeff's breath caught in his throat. Completely unaware of the affect he had on Jeff, Chad continued to stare, to innocently beguile.

Inwardly, Jeff berated himself for his sudden feelings of attraction toward Chad. He had just been sexually assaulted; Chad didn't need Jeff or anyone else to perv out on him. Jeff silently demanded that he get his own shit together. Biting back a curse, he firmly guided Chad down the hall toward an exit. Opening the door, breathing in the fresh air, Jeff scanned the area. He moved toward the front, stopping a few yards from a light post, guiding Chad off the sidewalk onto the lawn and toward the shrubbery surrounding the hotel's walls.

Shaking his head to focus, he replied. "Paparazzi are at the front, I know we've got to avoid 'em." Jeff's hand moved to caress Chad's head, making sure he understood. "I got here on a bike. She's parked closer to the front. It's too bright, they'll see me, but if I go alone I can be back here…" Jeff licked his lips, saw Chad turn away, felt his body retreating. "No, I just need you to stay put, then I'll be right back. Can you do that, just give me about fifteen minutes in case they stop me, and then we'll get out of here?"

Though Chad jerkily nodded, Jeff wasn't reassured. He leaned into Chad, his hand clamped over his shoulder, his lips brushed against Chad's head. Abruptly he pulled away, adding, "Promise, I'll be right back."

Watched as Chad slumped against the wall, Jeff stepped back, turning to make sure it was clear before walking toward the sidewalk, surveying the area as he did. With a little luck, the tall shrubbery, and the fact that Chad was partially hidden, standing just beyond the lit area of the parking light, hopefully would keep Chad concealed—as long as no one came along. Without glancing back, Jeff said loud enough for Chad to hear, "Okay, you stay right there. I'll be back," before moving briskly toward the front and where he had his bike parked.

As he neared the front, he slowed down not wanting to draw attention. Thankfully it worked, outside of a couple of camera shots, and some photographer who called his name, he smiled toward them and waved them off as he reached his bike. Getting on the motorcycle, Jeff turned on the ignition, and throttled her, kicking the stand up as he drove out of the parking lot, going around the building in the opposite direction from he had left Chad.

Seeing that no one was around Jeff popped onto the sidewalk, rolling to a stop near where he'd left Chad. Cutting the engine, he moved to where he left Chad, hoping he was still there—he was. Gently he grabbed Chad's hand, wrapping an arm protectively around his waist. "Alright let's go."

Though wobbly, Chad moved, and once seated he hung on tight as Jeff started the bike and took off.

*~*~*~*

Chris added a bit more pressure, until Roberto cried out again, "Stop, please stop… alright yes, yes we did. Bobby called me, said he had a treat. Someone I'd love. That he was begging for it." Chris ground the heel of his boot down harder. Roberto winced; a new burst of tears flowed, shaking his head, whining. "We were just gonna have a little fun."

Hotel security moved forward, and with regret, Chris moved back, the energy of his fury still tangible. Turning away, he started to pace, shaking his hands as they hung down at his sides, then pulling them into fists, clenching tighter, the need to hit was palpable.  
Karen came up to him, her voice low and for only his ears. "You're sure he won't press charges?"

Chris gritted his teeth.

"Then the only thing I can do is have them suspended, put 'em up for evaluation."

Chris turned, only to see the guards were checking for injuries on the guy Jeff had knocked unconscious. He was pissed that either of them should only have a few bruises that'd fade in time. He wanted them arrested, charged with sexual assault, but his hands were tied if Chad wouldn't press charges…

*~*~*~

As they milled through the crowds, Jared and Jensen focused on their search, distressed they still hadn't found Chad; their worry stepped up a notch after they ran into Mike.

Jensen heard more than saw Mike as he pushed his through the crowd calling after them. Jensen had paused, waving Jared to keep going, that he'd catch up. Jared nodded, staying focused on his task to find Chad. Jensen turned and waited for Mike, trying to think of something to get rid of him so he could continue searching with Jared. As Mike approached, Jensen was about to say hi; instead his mouth hung open when Mike only patted his shoulder, a reckless, "Hey Jenny" thrown in his direction as Mike quickly moved past him, making an obvious b-line toward Jared.

Shaking it off, Jensen quickly followed. Mike was already there, and whatever Mike had said, by Jared's reaction it wasn't good.

Once Jensen was close enough, he asked, "What is it?"

Jared barely looked at Jensen, his lips pulled into a thin line, his expression growing more solemn. "He found him."

Jensen didn't bother asking who, turning to Mike, he demanded. "Where?"

"I don't know where he is now, but he was in the bathroom tossing his cookies."

"When?"

Mike shrugged, "I don't know man, something like twenty minutes ago. Listen I don't know what's going on, but clearly something is…"

Blinking, "What, why?" Jensen didn't want to be obtuse, but he had no idea why Mike felt like he had to chase Jared down, just to tell him that Chad was puking.

Offended or startled, Mike glanced from Jensen to Jared. Leaning in so he wouldn't be overheard, "As I said, I don't know what's going on, but it's _obvious_ that something is. First, Chad was in my face pissed for no reason, Jared's standing there white as a sheet, and you're trying to play the fool." Something must have shown on his face because Mike raised his hands in surrender. "Hey I'm just the messenger, and a friend."

Feeling guilty Jensen shook his head, "Yeah, I'm _sorry_ Mike."

Mike smiled in return, accepting his apology, his hand gripped Jensen's shoulder squeezing. "Don't worry Jenny, it'd take a lot before you could get rid of me." His head jerked toward Jared. "Now go on and take care of him."

"And Jenny, I wasn't lying, you guys are bordering on obvious, if you don't tone it down, you're gonna have people asking questions, questions I'm not sure you guys are ready to answer." Mike's eyes shifted toward Jay. Jensen's gaze followed. _Fuck!_

Jensen moved to Jared's side. "Jared, hey, come on man, you got to stop it. You can't do that here, you know that."

"Do what?"

"Jesus, you're doing Sam's emo face, people are going to out two and two together."

Angrily Jared snapped. "I don't give fuck, and I'm not leaving until I find Chad."

Sighing, Jensen answered. "Do you really want to draw this kind of attention to Chad? Don't you think he's had enough press lately?" It was a low blow, but Jensen needed to make his point.

Jared's face fell. When he looked back up, with obvious effort, Jared's worry was perfectly veiled. Pleased, Jensen nodded. "Good. Just one last thing—it's not I, but _WE_. We're going to find him, okay?"

A grateful smile graced Jared's face, nodding. "Yeah okay."

*~*~*~

They worked their way through the main room twice, including a couple of the side rooms, and still no Chad. There were no signs that he left, at least not the same way he came in, and they had already checked to see if Chad had checked into a room - he hadn't. Logically Jensen knew that if they couldn't find Chad by now, that Chad just didn't want to be found. And they should just let it go at that, to try to find and talk to Chad tomorrow. The problem was, Jensen's gut was telling him that something wasn't right. His eyes slid over to Jared, who finally had his bitch face under control, but it didn't change that Jared was just as worried about Chad as he was.

It was still relatively early, not even eleven by the time they finally ran into Chris.

Though probably to anyone else Chris appeared calm, Jensen could tell under the surface that Chris was relieved to see him.

"Damn, I've been looking for you, ah do you still have Jeff's cell number?"

Startled, Jensen asked, "What, who?"

Chris's eyes darted to Jared then back to Jensen is eyes, "Sorry man, but if you still have Morgan's number, I'd really like it …"

Jensen shook his head, "Why?"

"Does it matter? I'm asking."

Something was wrong. Grabbing Chris's arm, Jensen dragged him closer. Jensen wasn't worried about Jared, he had told Jared about his fling with Jeff a long time ago. "Alright what the hell is going on?" Chris glanced over his shoulder to Jared. Jared returned to look and came closer.

Jensen found his voice first, "What happened?"

Chris licked his lips, and shook his head. "Can't, not my story to tell." Turning to Jared he emphasized, "He's okay. He's with Jeff. I just wanted to check on them."

Jensen watched as Jared stepped back, and pulled out his cell, searching for then hitting dial on Jeff's cell number.

Jensen gazed back at Chris, asking. "You're sure he's alight? We've been looking…" Jensen noticed when Chris averted his eyes, but nodded. He took in the fact that Chris was fidgeting; Jensen's eyes immediately shifted toward Chris's hands, where he had them clenched into fists. Telltale signs told Jensen more than what Chris wasn't telling him. That whatever happened, Chad had gotten into trouble and that Chris still wanted to pound flesh. Remembering how drunk Chad was, how Chad had come on to him, that Chad had seen them kissing…

All night his gut kept warning him that something was going to happen, and it had. Whatever it was he could only be grateful that Chris and Jeff were there. Though knowing that, still didn't pacify his worry.

"Listen, as I said he's fine…"

Absently Jensen pulled out his cell and quickly scrolled down until he had Jeff's name displayed, handing it to Chris. Chris took the phone, his thumb moving as he input the numbers into his own cell.

Jensen grasped his shoulder, pulling Chris closer, into a half hug. "Chris, I don't know what to…" squeezing Chris's side he added a heart felt, "thanks."

Jared moved closer, frustrated, as his hand swept through his hair. "He's not picking up… but I left a message to call back as soon as he can."

Nodding, Jensen asked, "Good. You ready to go?"

Wiped, Jared agreed. "Yeah, let's get the hell out of here!" Jared's hand reached out and squeezed Chris's shoulder in thanks as he passed.

 

*~*~*~

Once Jensen and Jared were out of earshot and swallowed up by the crowd, Chris spun around, sidestepped and caught the arm of the lady who had been eavesdropping. "Hold on there…"

Offended, she eyed his hand holding her. "Hey, do you mind?"

"Actually I do, when I catch someone eavesdropping." Holding tight, as she tried to wrench free from his grasp. Lowering his volume, his voice hard, raspy Chris firmly added, "Especially on something that's none of their damn business."

Instead of pulling away, she glared back, stepping into Chris's space. "Maybe it is my business."

Chris's eyes narrowed, his gaze scanning her face. Then it hit him, he knew her, or at least recognized her. She was the one that Murray was supposedly having an affair with.

Chris licked his lips, silently conceding, she wouldn't say anything. Not that she knew anything, and he wasn't about to say anything. "It's not." And suddenly let go of her arm and started to walk away.

This time she grabbed him, and then quickly let go at his heated stare. "Listen, I… I'm sorry, but I have to know, is he? Is he really okay?"

He didn't know what was between them, but it was obvious that she honestly cared about Chad. "Yes. You heard me before, I wasn't lying." He didn't wait for a response, instead turned and walked away, moving quickly enough to lose her in the crowd. Why he needed to leave, to ditch her, he couldn't say, but he couldn't shake the fact that if he had stayed there was a distinct possibly he would have told her the truth. What he needed to do was follow Jensen's lead, and get the hell out of here. Once he found his ride, he was going to do just that.

*~*~*~*

"Hils, you came."

Smile in place, Hilarie turned to find Sophia standing there. "Wouldn't miss it. It's your time to shine." she moved in and hugged her friend.

Sophia returned the hug, grinning. "Thank you. You know Chad's here somewhere too."

"Actually I heard he headed out."

"Oh." That was all Sophia said, then started in on something else, but at some point Hilarie started to tune her out. Absently she looked in the direction Chris had gone.

Finally Sophia demanded her attention. "Earth to Burton, where did you go?"

Embarrassed, "Sorry I'm slightly distracted."

Sophia laughed, "Ah ha, does that distraction have to do with a certain Chris Kane?"

"Who?"

"Chris, I saw the two of you talking."

"You know him?"

"Yes and no. We met a few times, through Danneel. He's a good friend with her and Jensen. Why, you interested?"

Guiltily her eyes shifted toward Sophia, who waited calmly for her answer. Sophia didn't know what happened - that she had been eavesdropping or that Chris had actually caught her, none of that changed Sophia's query. Focusing on that question alone, thinking of Chris, his piercing blue eyes, the protectiveness he had for Chad, the ping she felt in her gut when she thought of him… The answer surprised her. Yes, yes she was interested. She felt the extra heat as she flushed, recognizing the truth of Sophia's question.

Apparently Sophia accepted her silent response, and responded with her own, excited inhale. The silence lasted only a few seconds before Sophia burst like a dam, rambling, offering her every little tidbit she knew about one Christian Kane.

Laughing suddenly feeling very relaxed, like old times, Hilarie enjoyed watching Sophia animatedly dish her all the gossip, satisfied that before she left, Sophia would make sure she had Chris's number.

*~*~*~

The drive took Jeff longer than he expected. In part, due to staying off the main roads, with only one legal helmet, he needed to avoid being stopped. For himself he had used the smaller half shell helmet he kept in the side pocket, and had given Chad his helmet.

A few years ago Jeff bought a house on the outskirts of LA. A small fixer-upper, that became home whenever he was in town. Rolling up, he pulled to a stop and cut the engine. At some point during the slow ride Chad's tight grip had shifted around Jeff's waist, holding his body pressed flush against Jeff's back.

Jeff popped the kickstand and straightened in his seat, silently letting Chad know they had stopped. Chad didn't move. On autopilot, Jeff took off the smaller helmet. Then partially twisted in his seat, enough to see Chad's eyes were closed.

Slowly Jeff's hands covered Chad's. His thumbs swept over Chad's hands trying to get him to relax and let go. Finally Jeff had to untangle Chad's grip from around his waist. Standing, Jeff's hands held Chad still as he deftly took off Chad's helmet. "Come on, we're here." Jeff said, maneuvering Chad's body off the bike. "There you go."

With Chad barely awake, leaning heavily into his side, Jeff quickly guided Chad to the front door. Fumbling, he fished for his keys and opened the door. Bisou was there, excitedly wagging her tail.

He didn't even get to say anything before Chad's body slumped forward, his hand reaching out. The dog sniffed him, but backed away cautiously. Jeff didn't bother waiting as he ushered Chad into the house and over to the couch letting Chad plop down. Jeff reached over and turned on the lamp on the end table and dropped his keys.

Bisou came forward as Jeff bent down to give her a proper greeting, both hands cupping her face, rubbing her down. "How's my girl?"

She panted her excitement, then looked over his shoulder, her eyes on Chad. "Yeah I know, but he needed help." She responded by barking and shaking her head. Rubbing his hand in her fur, Jeff nodded, silently agreeing.

She jumped up, licking Jeff's face, then backed up and walked around him. Sniffing at Chad's feet, her nose gathering information, moving up, ghosting over Chad's hand. Watching, Jeff thought Chad had passed out, but then Chad's fingers easily unfolded, opening up, brushing up a path under her chin. Obviously practiced, they swept up until his fingers were scratching behind her ear. When he pulled back, she jumped up on the couch beside him, nudging his hand to continue petting. Jeff laughed, as Chad immediately complied.

With the light on, watching Chad, Jeff was able to really observe, and what he found had him concerned. He could clearly see Chad's lips were swollen, splotches of dry blood trailed down his chin. Sporadic spots of skin yellowing, clearly bruising with the promise of darker, colorfully distinguished marks by morning.

Even from where he stood, he could smell the stench of alcohol, vomit, blood, and, if he wasn't mistaken, come. That last made his stomach roll. A reminder of the circumstances and the position Chad had been found in.

He wanted to stop thinking, to stop remembering, go have a cigarette, instead he moved forward, crouching down, facing Chad. "Hey?" Chad looked up and said, "Sorry, I don't remember, what's her name?"

He wanted to say that he hadn't told Chad her name. Instead Jeff just smiled, his hand reaching out to pet the dog as he said her name. "Bisou." Then added, "Think you can stand for a shower?"

Jeff could see he had startled Chad.

Lowering his chin, Chad took a sniff, his face scrunching up. Chad's eyes shifted from the couch back to Jeff, his face flushing, suddenly embarrassed. "Yeah, sorry." His hand pulled away from Bisou, and leaned forward in an attempt to stand.

Jeff stood, biting his lip, it wasn't exactly how he meant it, but at least it got Chad moving.

As Chad fell back, Jeff moved; wrapping an arm around his shoulder, another anchored under an armpit as he helped lift and steadied Chad's stance. "Okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

Jeff didn't believe that for a minute. He stayed at Chad's side, slowly walking him through the house toward the master bathroom. Passing the guest bathroom, Chad's step faltered as he looked inside. The toilet and sink were covered in plastic. The tub held the curtain rods and towel racks. Blue duct tape covered baseboards, and around the ceiling edge. The floor itself was covered with a drop cloth and a pile of hardware from the door and cabinets. A couple of gallons of paint, brushes, a roller, and roller pan all sat ready to be opened and used. "Just one of many projects that thankfully I haven't had time for."

Chad's head jerkily bobbed in understanding, his limp body shook from the action, reminding Jeff, he probably had a short window before Chad passed out cold. Tightening his grip he ushered Chad back to his bathroom. Letting Chad lean against the counter, Jeff moved, opening the glass shower door and turned on the water, adjusting the temperature.

Turning back, Jeff found Chad slumped over, his head hanging, his body teetering, about to fall over. He swiftly moved back to Chad, offering support. Automatically Jeff's fingers moved, deftly unbuttoning Chad's shirt. Ignoring the splotches of blood, the tears in the cloth and the missing buttons until Chad's shirt hung open. Letting it fall to the floor once he unbuttoned the cuffs, the material slipped off of Chad's shoulders.

His eyes scanned Chad's chest, his gut twisting as he recognized the start of more bruising. Swallowing his anger, he focused, his fingers moving toward Chad's pants. His eyes shifted looking up into Chad's face, to find his eyes closed. Squeezed tight, like a child, something Bill's did whenever he was wishing really hard for something. But Chad wasn't a three year old wishing for a toy or to go somewhere, he was probably wishing he were anywhere but here—doing anything else but this.

Jeff's gut twisted, he hated this, hated what had happened, but he couldn't pretend that it didn't happen, that Chad had been sexually assaulted, even if Chad wanted to. He had to be sure that Chad was really okay.

Jeff licked his lips, taking a deep breath, his voice choked as he asked. "Are you hurt anywhere else? You need to tell me…" Chad vehemently shook his head, no. "They didn't."

"If you're bleeding, torn…"

"No!" Chad's body started shaking; his voice lowered sounding more child-like. "Didn't get that far."

"Okay." His hand moved, soothing circles on Chad's back, trying to ease those tremors, and his own nerves. "Okay. It's okay; you're all right now. You're safe." Silently berating himself that he couldn't think of anything else to say, but Chad seemed to find some comfort as the shudders subsided.

"You ready?" Chad nodded.

Jeff didn't stop to think, just moved, as his fingers busily went to Chad's jeans unbuttoning and unzipping them. Jeff moved down to Chad's shoes, pulling them off before his fingers trailed back up, hooking his fingers just under Chad's boxers and pants to pushed both the jeans and boxers down. His foot stepping on the material to hold it in place as he helped Chad step out and move closer to the shower.

At the door, "Ready?"

Chad nodded, and gripped the shower door as Jeff hesitantly let go, and allowed Chad to move under his own power.

Weak kneed, Chad swayed, but he stayed standing, though he looked more like the leaning tower of Pisa. Leaning with both hands braced against the wall, he stepped under the spray, and didn't move, just allowing the water to cascade over his body.

Unable to stop himself Jeff's gaze wandered over Chad's body. Noticing he was broader in the shoulders then Jensen, but less so than Jared, tapered, leaner. Stripped, it was obvious exactly how rail thin and sunken he was. Jeff had felt it earlier as he held Chad, but seeing the true extent was jarring. On top of Chad's coloring, a pasty white, it made him a candidate poster boy for _Anorexia R US._

His eyes drifted toward the scattering of dime-sized bruises forming around Chad's waist and hips—the size of fingers, a stark contrast to Chad's skin, an older jagged scar completed the look.

Holding steady, Chad finally took hold of the soap and started to wash.

Jeff watched as the suds slid over Chad's back, dripping down between Chad's ass cheeks, down Chad's legs—his cock stirred at the sight. Immediately Jeff turned away, clenched his fist, angry with himself that he had just ogled the man after what he had just gone through.

At the sound of the water shutting off, Jeff turned around, grabbed a towel and handed it to Chad. One handed, Chad started to towel dry himself. Jeff turned on his heels. "Hang on." He returned a minute later with sweats and a tee shirt.

Though the shower helped, Chad was still intoxicated, his balance off, and it was more pronounced when Chad accidentally dropped the towel, swaying as he bent to pick it up.

Jeff grabbed him to keep him from falling, and maneuvered him to lean against the counter. "Whoa, here, lean…" Without pausing Jeff took another towel, and started to briskly towel dry Chad everywhere. Snatching up the sweats, he squatted and held them out just like when he helped Bill change. Chad said nothing, just complied with the silent request, lifting first one foot, then the other. Next Jeff helped him into the shirt. Opening a cabinet behind Chad, Jeff pulled out a bottle of aspirin. Turning on the faucet, he filled a glass with water, passing it to Chad. "Here drink."

Chad did, but only a few sips.

"No, all of it."

Chad hesitated, but did as Jeff asked. Once it was empty, Jeff refilled it, handing it back. "Down it, but leave enough to swallow these."

Chad grimaced, looking at the white pills.

"Aspirin." Jeff answered the silent question.

Taking the pills, Chad swallowed.

Satisfied, Jeff put the glass down and helped Chad into the bedroom, maneuvering him over to the bed. Chad started to protest, but Jeff ignored it and wouldn't listen, just ushered him into the bed, pulling the covers up. "Don't worry, just sleep." Refuting any further argument, Jeff patted Chad's arm, moving to leave. At the door, his hand on the knob, Jeff paused. "I'll leave the hall light on, in case." Turning, he looked over to see Chad was already sleeping.

*~*~*~

Pulling into the driveway, Jensen cut the engine. Just sitting there with Jared, the silence stretched until the moment started to feel almost surreal, like something from the show - only they weren't sitting in the Impala. Though Jared was normally polar-opposite to Sam in every aspect, right now he seemed to embody Sam's very essence, capturing the sullen emo persona Sammy usually carried.

Dismissing the notion, Jensen took a deep breath, and turned toward Jared. His arm slid across, his fingers moved toward Jared's neck to caress and offer comfort. Jared shrugged his hand away, "Don't." Jensen cringed at the harshness.

Jared opened his door, without turning, this time his voice softer. "Please just don't."

Dejected, Jensen sighed, and just sat there watching as Jared went inside. Logically he understood why Jared was upset. That Chad was his friend and he was hurting, that Jared had hurt him by not telling him sooner—they both did. But that did nothing to ease, or erase the ping of jealousy Jensen felt. Enough that he kept placing himself in Jared's shoes. Felt that he and Chris were as equally as close as Jared and Chad. If the situation and their roles had been reversed, and it'd been he and Chris with a similar dynamic, if Chris had walked in on him kissing someone else, Jensen could only imagine the emotional impact. So he got it that Jared was devastated that he hadn't told Chad. Whenever the subject came up Jensen had tried to convince Jared, encouraged him to tell Chad.

Though if he was honest with himself, he had never pressed the point hard enough. Maybe he was too selfish, enjoying the privacy they had, where the subject was never at the top of his list. As it was very few people within their circle knew. Yet Chris knew. Admittedly he had waited a long time before he told him, but Chris was perceptive and knew Jensen had to have been involved with someone—he had given himself away, had been too cheerful, giddy, or smiled too much.

Once he did reveal the truth of his and Jared's relationship to Chris, that's when he should have pushed Jared to tell Chad. He hadn't.

None of that changed the pings of jealousy he was feeling now. His gut twisted as Chad's eyes continued to haunt him—his eyes wide, reveling the unspoken raw emotions that were blatantly transparent. He had no doubt that Chad was _in love_ with Jared.

Jensen rubbed at the growing tension in his neck to combat his ongoing headache. His imagination filled with unwanted images of Chad walking in on them kissing. But it was Jared's reaction that kept coming back to him; the look he had in his eyes when they found out - when Jared realized Chad had seen them. The shock was evident, but there was also a glimpse of something else that had Jensen couldn't put his finger on, but it drove his fears and doubts. Enough that Jensen couldn't shake the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that their relationship, everything he had with Jared, was suddenly on borrowed time.

*~*~*~

After pacing back and forth, Jeff forcibly sat down on the couch and turned the TV on, anything to distract the train wreck that was going on in his head, to erase, or at least box up the images of what he and Chris had walked in on. Clicking from one channel to another trying to divert his attention—it didn't work.

Frustrated, Jeff stood and started pacing again. Absently his eyes flitted over to his keys and for the first time he noticed that his cell wasn't there, realizing it was still in his back pocket. Reaching behind him, he pulled his cell phone out. Pressing it on, he dully watched as the phone searched for service. Once on it beeped, displaying several messages: a few miscellaneous, and then several from Jared, with one from Jensen, and one that was blocked.

He couldn't say why, but he skipped the other messages to play the blocked message first. It was from Chris.

Relieved, needing someone to talk to, Jeff hit redial. It barely rang before Chris answered with a terse, "Hello?"

Realizing his number and name was probably blocked Jeff quickly spoke, "Chris, it's Jeff."

A little too loudly, Chris spoke. "Hey, hold on a second, let me get somewhere quieter."

Jeff didn't bother to respond, but could hear the distinctive sounds of the party. Obviously Chris was still at the hotel. Grabbing his smokes and walking outside, Jeff lit a cigarette, starting to pace again as he waited.

"That's better. Everything okay… is he all right? Are you?"

Now that he had Chris on the phone able to talk to, he didn't know what to say. Silently cursing, his voice heavy with emotion, he finally answered, _"Eventually."_  
He didn't have to worry, Chris understood—only too well, as he replied with a knowing. "Yeah."

Even over the phone Jeff could feel the indecisiveness before Chris spoke. "Listen, I ran into Jensen. That's how I got your number. I didn't say anything, but they know something happened."

Jeff shrugged as he answered. "Kind of figured. I didn't listen yet, but I have several messages from them."

"Yeah, Jared was kind of frantic. Jensen said he'd hold Jared off at least until tomorrow. If you don't think Ch… well you might want to call Jared first thing before he descends on your place."

"Yeah I'll do that."

Jeff stared out into the night, trying to find something to say. It wasn't that he was afraid or nervous to talk about it, but to talk about over the phone, with Chad passed out in the other room, didn't feel right, like he'd be talking behind Chad's back. With Chris he didn't have to worry. It was a welcomed surprise when Chris didn't force a conversation. That their silence though slightly strange was comforting in itself. By the time he finished his cigarette, Jeff felt calmer, his anxiety less. Snubbing his cigarette out, Jeff spoke again. "I should probably go…"

"Alright. Ah call, if you need to."

Jeff smiled. "Thanks, I will."

Just seconds after he hung up, Jeff heard a crash and Bisou started barking. Quickly he opened the sliding door and followed her in, rushing into his bedroom. Initially hearing whimpering cries before he actually saw Chad, thrashing about in the throes of a nightmare. Opening the door further, the room illuminated by the light from the hallway, Jeff was able to see that Chad had accidentally knocked over the bedside lamp. He was twisted in the covers, kicking and fighting an unknown source.

Moving toward the bed, cautiously he reached out to shake Chad awake from his nightmare. At Jeff's touch, Chad started to lash out, muttering. Frightened, Jeff jerked back as the volume increased, and Chad's voice became clear. _"No, don't, please…stop, it hurts! Stop! Don't touch me…."_ His voice hoarse as if he had been screaming for some time, " _Mom, Mommy wake up, make him stop! please…"_

The bottom of Jeff's stomach dropped, his hands curled into fists, as he stood there helplessly. Too afraid to touch Chad, Jeff tried to call out. His voice was drowned out by the terrified whimpering sounds Chad was creating. Desperate, Jeff tried to raise his voice, demanding Chad wake up. It only resulted in Chad rolling into a ball, responding like he was being attacked. Forcibly swallowing, Jeff tried to soften his tone, finding it difficult to maintain as he started to see – understand -- what had happened to Chad as a child. Sick to his stomach at what he was witnessing, his anger increased, a need to beat the man that physically and sexually abused Chad as a child. That Chad's mother was there when it happened.

Losing himself in his anger toward the man, Jeff repeated, "Chad wake up, it's over! You're having a nightmare, you're safe. I promise you're safe."

Helpless Jeff watched as Chad flipped over on his stomach, his body stretched out. The sounds muffled by the corner of a pillow Chad had shoved in his mouth. Even tangled within the sheets, Jeff could see Chad's body following into a parody of his rape—that he was reliving the event.

Watching Chad's body move, his arms flailing his legs spread obscenely, gave Jeff a perversely clear picture of what had happened… he cursed, "Fuck!"

Just as he was about to physically force Chad awake. Bisou jumped on the bed, barking, her wet nose nudging against Chad's face. Pausing, then barking once again. It took a couple of times, but Chad started to respond.

Apparently still asleep, he turned over; instinctively started to pet her, making room for her. Bisou in turn, licked his face, and then settled at his side. He hushed her, but his hand stayed tangled in her fur, fingers softly brushing through her hair.

Jeff wasn't sure how long he stood there, just watching. With Bisou at Chad's side, Chad was finally sleeping peacefully. Jeff didn't leave, he couldn't. Instead he moved over to the overstuffed chair near the closet and his dresser. It was usually a catchall, holding piles of clothes that needed to be packed, or put away. Scooping them up, he put them on dresser and sat down.

Though Bisou and Chad were hidden in shadows, he could hear Chad's easy breaths. It helped even when he couldn't shut off everything that was replaying within his mind. Realizing it was going to be a while before he'd be able to sleep, Jeff got comfortable and settled for what he knew would be a long night.

*~*~*~*

It wasn't the early rays of dawn that woke Jeff, but a constant buzzing sound. Initially he ignored it, but minutes later it'd start again, forcing him to wake. Spotting the deterrent, Jeff moved. His body aching as he got up, finding a cell phone on the dresser, it was Chad's.

He glanced toward the bed. Finding Chad still sound asleep, Bisou sprawled out, belly exposed, at his side. Her head tilted in Jeff's direction, he grabbed the cell and hand signaled for her to stay.

Making his way out to the kitchen, he flipped Chad's cell open. Seeing it had over twenty messages; over a dozen were from the same number. He debated calling the number then decided against it, not knowing who it was, and started to make some coffee. By the time he had filled the carafe with water and started a pot of coffee, Chad's cell moved as it vibrated against the counter yet again. Glancing, Jeff saw it was the same number.

Again, he ignored it.

By the time Jeff poured his coffee, Chad's cell had rung three more times. Going outside, he lit a cigarette, and sipped his coffee. Finally, on the fourth call, he picked up. After only a few hours' sleep, his _Hello_ , was rough, gravely.

It took a moment before the caller realized someone had answered, then she was off and running. "Jesus _fucking_ Christ, Chad I've been calling almost nonstop the last couple of hours. When I got Tracy's message…fuck are you alright? Please tell me you are? That you're not pissed? Honestly had no idea she'd take it that far. You're right she's a skank, and yes I know you didn't actually call her a skank—I did! I'm the asshole who set you guys up. Shit, you've had me worried…" she paused to cough, and sniffle a little.

Jeff took another drag.

Stifling another cough, she added. "Those things are going to kill you."

On reflex he deadpanned, "So they tell me."

Silence followed then her staggered breath. "Who the fuck is this?"

He waited, unsure of how to respond. She didn't give him time, the shock wearing off, her fury rising with every word. " _Goddamn sonofbitch_ , if you don't tell me, I'll call the _fucking cops_. They'll GPS your ass, now who the _fuck_ are you? Where's Chad?"

Jeff pulled the phone away from his ear, and stared at it, shaking his head, then answered her. "It's five in the morning. He's fine, asleep like most of the world. And you are?"

For long moments he couldn't hear anything. Finally she demanded. "No, I asked you first."

"No. Listen, either you tell me, or I'll hang up and you can wait until he's up. And after what he drank last night that might be awhile."

She hesitated, then replied. "Megan, Chad's manager."

He chuckled, "Okay good. By the way, I'm Jeff." He paused, taking another sip of coffee. A possible plan started to form.

*~*~*~

By the time Jeff finished his second cup of coffee he had Megan on board. The day dragged on. He had called Jared, leaving a message. It was brief, if not a bit curt. Not that he wasn't already feeling a bit protective toward Chad, but now after Chad's nightmare- knowing what he knew now, and whether Jared knew anything Jeff couldn't deny that he was feeling even more protective. Deliberately he put Jared on the spot, asking that he give Chad a little time.

His second call was to Chris. Knew Chris would be around, and he didn't want to leave Chad alone just yet. Chris picked up on the first ring. Then Jeff asked Chris to pick up a few provisions, and to make a few calls that he didn't want Chad to overhear.

The bottom line was the fewer people that knew that Chad was here, the better.

It was closer to ten; Bisou was with him on the porch when Megan drove up. It was one of the few times Bisou had left Chad's side.

Once Megan pulled to a stop, she got out and opened the back car door. Neither dog was crated as they excitedly jumped out. Both large, one a Shepherd mix, the other larger. Jeff blinked, recognizing it as a Mastiff, or a similar breed. Though larger than the Shepherd, it appeared smaller than an average Mastiff, possibly a mixed breed, its coat a creamy taupe. As one the dogs turned, must have picked up Chad's scent as they quickly headed toward the house and him. Though smaller, Bisou immediately blocked their way growling. Chad's dogs stopped, the Mastiff sat waiting while the Shepherd growled in return.

Dropping the suitcase she had been pulling from the trunk, Megan, a young slip of a girl came running up reprimanding Chad's dogs, Joe the white Shepherd and Axel the Mastiff. Jeff allowed Bisou to take the lead, to claim her dominance. Tentatively the dogs sniffed each other. Luckily Axel and Joe willing submitted to Bisou. Jeff's hand reached out caressing Bisou behind her ears, smiling. Then, he moved his hand forward to allow Chad's dogs to sniff him. Each took a turn, Axel slobbering a bit of drool as he did.

"Huh, that was anticlimactic." Jeff looked up and eyed Megan, surprised to realize this person was the same brash foul mouth that had cursed him out this morning.

Stretching out her hand in greeting, Megan stated answering his silent question. "Yeah, that was me, how is he?"

Jeff shook her hand, grinning as he recognized the voice from this mornings call. "He's sleeping."

"Still?"

Noncommittally, he just shrugged.

Her voice lowered, "Just bruises, right?"

This morning he didn't want to tell her anything, but she was like a pintsize pit bull. So he told her only that Chad had gotten into a fight, was on the losing end until Jeff and Chris had intervened. That things got a little rough, but otherwise no one knew anything, and Chad wanted to keep it that way. "They'll fade. He just needs a little time."

She shook her head. "I'd like to see him before I go, to make sure…" Jeff hesitated, then nodded when she added. "I won't wake him."

Going inside, the dogs ran ahead. Jeff could hear as they pushed the bedroom door open and jumped up on the bed. Each barking in greeting so that by the time they entered, Chad had unconsciously settled both dogs, his hand ghosting over their coats until each lay down on the bed. This time Bisou stayed by the door. Jeff almost chuckled out loud as he realized she was allowing them to reclaim their human.

Megan walked past him, slowing as she neared the bed. She didn't move any closer, but whatever reassurance she needed, seeing Chad seemed to do the trick.

Ten minutes later, after she threatened Jeff bodily and stared him down, she handed him one of Chad's suitcases. "Have Chad call me." Jeff nodded, as she climbed back into her car. Headset on, already making calls, she started the car, pulling out and making her way back into town.

*~*~*~

Shortly afterwards, Chris pulled up. Chris didn't stay. It wasn't that Jeff wasn't grateful for everything Chris offered, but it was still awkward. Their small talk had wrapped up in under three minutes. Chad was sound asleep, yet neither could look at the other without thinking about Chad, of what they had walked in on.

Though despite the awkwardness, they each seemed to find a different kind of comfort. It was almost tangible knowing that this wasn't something they'd ever talk about, but understanding they didn't have to, relieved a certain measure of pressure.

Instead Chris just dropped off a few bags of groceries. One bag included a box of dog treats, a few chew toys, several cans of dog food, and a twenty-pound bag of dog food. Between what Megan had dropped off, and what Chris had picked up, Chad would be set if Jeff's plan worked and Chad decided to stay. More importantly, without a word, no questions asked, Chris handed him several business cards -- all therapists' and possible candidates for Chad to seek counseling.

It was closer to noon when Jeff heard the dogs bark, and realized Chad was up. Walking back inside Jeff moved to go start a fresh pot of coffee.

*~*~*~

Eyes barely open, Chad glanced up at the ceiling. Then he felt either Joe or Axel shifting beside him. Without thinking, he started to move, the pain that came instantly on the heels of that movement forcing him to still. Swearing, his breath halted under the pain.

Opening his eyes further, his head throbbing from the mother of all hangovers, Chad slowly started to take in his surroundings. Most noticeably, he wasn't home in his own bed. A gasping moan escaped him as he silently cursed himself for drinking. He then tried to revive a few brain cells to work out where the hell he was. He'd already dismissed the idea that it was a hotel, too bare with no lamp, phone, or radio/cd on the nightstand. Also there was no wallpaper, or art hanging on the walls, something that usually decorated the walls of a hotel. At the same time, it was too nice for a motel. Plus that would never explain why and how Joe and Axel got here, barking their usual morning greeting. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself up on his elbows.

The movement was jarring, snapping his eyes closed as he breathed through the pain; his side was killing him. Slowly he reopened his eyes, staring down only to notice he was dressed in different clothes than he was wearing last night, in questionable sweats and a tee shirt. The sweat pants were large, to the point where he was almost swimming in them. His eyes narrowed, wondering if they were Jared's. Tentatively, he called out, his voice weak, the volume barely above a hoarse whisper. "Jared?"

Nothing. Not that his pathetic voice had carried any weight. Only Axel's whine answered in return. Sighing, Chad lifted his hand, his fingers burrowing into Axel's fur, kneading and scratching under his collar.

Joe sat up eagerly awaiting his turn. "Alright, alright, you gotta move, give me some room." Scooting up, Chad slid back until he was sitting up with his back against the wall; as he moved both Joe and Axel happily moved with him. Axel lay back down, settling his paws over Chad's lap, his nose sniffing as he shifted, trying to burrow and get his massive head under Chad's hand, in order to be petted again. Chad obeyed, looking around as he did.

Nervously, Chad reached down and gathered the material of his tee shirt into his palm, his fingers clenching into a tight fist as it rested on his chest; his other hand continued to pet Axel as he took in the room.

The room was large, spacious with only an oversized chair, a dresser, the bed and two nightstands. Even with the essentials it was bare. No knick-knacks, no clothes on the floor, or any other mess scattered around. A large window, or sliding doors were covered; the drapes closed, blocking out the light. Across the room, a doorway Chad assumed led to the bathroom.

Just the thought kicked his bladder into waking. The dull ache Chad had upon waking _now_ demanded that he get up.

The pain in his bladder only slightly more demanding than all of the other pains Chad felt throughout his body. Shushing the dogs so he could move, Chad slowly swung his legs around, using the momentum to slide two inches when his feet hit the floor. Standing, his weight shifted and swayed. Leaning against the bed, Chad held still, steadying his stance.

It was odd, when Chad didn't feel or smell the permeating alcoholic stink on his skin like he had the last time he had drank this heavily. Almost absently his hand caressed down his chest feeling the material of the tee shirt—staring. Realizing he had to have showered and changed. Chad pushed himself to think, to remember. His head only pounded in answer, this time accompanied with his bladder's insistence that he move— **now!**  
Awkwardly, Chad hobbled over to the doorway, relieved to see he was right, it was a bathroom. Zeroing in on the toilet Chad stayed focused to take care of his immediate business, his need to piss.

Flushing, Chad moved over to the sink and washed his hands, bending over to splash water over his face. It was refreshing as he wiped away the sleep crust from his eyes. Cupping more water, Chad splashed again partially washing his face, running both hands over his face and neck. Pausing when he felt an inconsistency around his mouth. One side was definitely larger, swollen more so than the other. His tongue poked out feeling the swell of his lip. Slowly Chad stood and stared into the mirror.

Chad jerked, bracing on the counter at the image that was reflected back at him.

Bruises colored the right side of his face. Dark mottled bruises decorated around his mouth, lips, and jaw line on his right side. His headache intensified as Chad tried to remember. Bits of the party came to him, flashes rushing by, almost too fast to identify the memory. Then Chad remembered, walking in on Jared and Jensen, together— _kissing._  
The Chad that had grabbed a bottle of Jack had wanted to drown his sorrows, do anything to erase the image of them kissing. Not caring about anything else, only to drink enough to forget.

Then images of himself on his knees, of being hit, forcibly held down.

His knees buckled under him, as Chad suddenly remembered more. His stomach heaved, as one image after another came flooding into his mind. He didn't even take notice as his dogs started barking wildly.

Not all of the images flashing before him were from last night, but some were from another time. Things Chad had pushed away, fought to forget, from years ago when he had been held down— _forced…_

*~*~*~*

Bisou suddenly started barking, dancing around Jeff's feet before taking off, going toward the bedroom, barking. Jeff could hear Chad's dogs, their barking different. Something was wrong. Running after Bisou, Jeff pushed open the bedroom door to find Chad's dogs, standing there barking at the bathroom.

Jeff found Chad down on all fours, heaving, coughing and emptying whatever he had left in his stomach.

Moving closer, Jeff couched down beside Chad. Remembering last night, his hand hovered not sure if Chad would accept his touch. Unconsciously Chad took the decision away from him as he arched in a cough, Jeff's hand touched Chad's back. When Jeff received no adverse reaction, he started to move his hand in soothing circles over Chad's back. His voice lowered, calm, as Jeff tried to reassure Chad, cooing platitudes to ease the tremors coursing through his body.

Slowly, the heaving and Chad's coughing receded. It took Jeff more than a minute to realize that the barking had stopped, and that Chad was trying to talk. His voice came small and raw, "…'kay, I'm good." And followed it by waving Jeff off.

Reluctantly Jeff pulled back, giving Chad a bit of space. Bisou barked, breaking the silence. He turned to her. "It's alright, he'll be okay." She barked in answer. Jeff's eyes shifted back to Chad as he stood, because he agreed with her that was a lie. Standing, Jeff offered his hand to help Chad up.

Kneeling, for long moments Chad just glared suspiciously at his hand, before hesitantly clasping his hand into Jeff's, using the leverage to help him off the floor.

Standing, Chad pulled away, his tone angry and defiant. "I am. I am okay." Jeff just stared at Chad, fully aware that Chad was anything but okay. Though it wasn't something he was going to argue about. Instead, Jeff finally nodded.

Seemingly satisfied that it was enough of an acknowledgment, Chad nodded in return. Jeff watched as Chad defensively crossed his arms, nearly wrapping them around himself.

The heavy silence stretched awkwardly. Fishing for something to say, Jeff tentatively asked gesturing with his thumb behind him, "If you're ready, I started a fresh pot of coffee?"

Though Jeff could see Chad's anger deflate, he fidgeted, obviously uncomfortable and guarded. The raspy timbre of his voice softened as Chad answered, "Thanks, that sounds good, but maybe I could shower first." Then looked down at the sweats he was wearing. "My clothes?"

Jeff inclined his head toward the bedroom. "In the wash, but Megan packed a couple of bags for you. I put them behind the chair."

Jeff took in Chad's rigid stance at the mention of Megan. He waited, but nothing else happened. Chad nodded and tried to say something, but it was unclear, his throat closed as only choked incoherent sounds came out. Chad stopped and coughed, clearing his throat. Emotional, his voice uneven barely above a whisper, "Alright, thanks. You mind…"

Hesitant, but without pushing the issue, Jeff couldn't think of a reason to stay. "Yeah, no. I… I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." Jeff quietly left the bathroom. In the bedroom, Jeff paused, turned and grabbed both suitcases and hauled them up over to bed, opening each one. He glanced back toward the bathroom, all three dogs stayed camped out by the door. He was pleased, knowing they'd let him know if Chad needed help. His hand on the bedroom doorknob, Jeff called out, "Suitcases are on the bed, and coffee's ready whenever you are." Pulling the door closed, at the last minute Jeff pushed it back - leaving it slightly ajar.

*~*~*~

Chad waited, listening for the click of the door closing, but heard none. Shakily, Chad moved and poked his head out. Jeff was gone. Chad spotted the suitcases on the bed, his eyes shifted to the door. It was closed to, but not shut. Chad could go over and close it, but he'd have to pass and step over the three mongrels blocking his way.

Sighing Chad moved back into the bathroom. Avoiding the mirror, Chad tugged off the sweatshirt, and pulled down the pants. Moving over to the shower Chad reached in turning on the water, adjusting the temperature before stepping in. Bracing himself against the tile, Chad stood under the showerhead, allowing the water to cascade over his body, its heat soothing the aches over his body.

He closed his eyes, trying to remember. Piecing together jumbled flashes of memory. Images split, fragmented. Some were from last night, others from long ago. Chad only wanted to remember what happened last night - he needed to. Needed to know when and how Jeff got involved. Yet for some reason, memories that Chad had worked to keep locked away—were suddenly there, unlocked, a door open. The memories filled his mind. They were still jumbled; bits disjointed, but emotions of pain, loneliness, panic, betrayal and abandonment were in the forefront.

His needs conflicting, Chad wanted to remember what happened last night, but not from before. No, he didn't want to remember that - ever!

But what Chad wanted and what was happening seemed to be two vastly different things. For the moment Chad couldn't budge that internal door closed, so instead Chad focused on to the next best thing, to just face Jeff, and mainly how he was going to get out of here so he could be alone. Then Chad could concentrate and figure out a way to recreate - rebuild that internal door, a wall, a moat - anything and everything just so he could move on, and not have those memories taunt him.

With an intent focus, Chad grabbed the soap, lathering his fingers, avoiding and ghosting over spots that flared out in pain. Continuing on autopilot, Chad shampooed his hair and rinsed. Stepping back under the spray, turning the nozzle to cold, he took a final rinse, needing the crisp cold to finally shake awake any last brain cells to deal with Jeff, before shutting the water off.

Opening the door Chad grabbed a towel from the rack and started to dry himself, then wrapped the towel around his waist.

Now awake, he was moving a bit easier though he was still stiff, sore, and bit wobbly. That made itself obvious when Chad bent over to scratch behind Joe's ear and had to stop mid-bend, catching himself before he fell. Steadying himself, Chad had to focus and give attention to each individual task. Moving toward the bed, Chad glanced at his suitcases, noticing Megan had packed like he was staying for weeks. His stomach dropped wondering how much she knew. . Did Jensen or Jared know?

Dazed, Chad didn't even see Axel jump up, stepping on his clothes in the suitcase to get closer, until he felt Axel's tongue licking his face. His hand immediately caressed Axel's neck, laughing, as Axel didn't stop. "Okay I get it. Now get your grungy paws off my clothes."

Axel didn't move, but instead settled down on top of the clothes in one suitcase. Chad didn't reprimand him. Instead his gazed wandered through the suitcase until he found and pulled out a pair of boxers. Dropping the towel, and leaning partially on the bed he bent down to step into them.

Out of the corner of his eye, Chad saw the scattering of small bruises over his hip that made him pause. Gulping, not ready to face that reality, he closed his eyes, inhaled and quickly pulled up the boxers. Turning, Chad opened his eyes and shuffled through the clothes until he found a pair of loose jeans and a tee shirt. This time Chad was ready, and quickly averted his eyes as he stepped into the jeans and hustled pulling them up, easily fastening the buttons and zipping. Grabbing the tee shirt, he hauled it over his head, pushing his arms through and let it fall into place.

Showered and dressed, Chad just stood there. He had no real reason, or excuse, of not going out there to see Jeff.

The truth was Chad needed answers before he did anything. Needed to know what actually had happened and who _the fuck_ knew. Obviously Megan knew. Nervously, his fingers raked through his wet hair; exhaling shaky breaths, only to inhale deeply, holding it, trying to calm his nerves. Standing, Chad exhaled, slowly moving toward the door. "Let's go, I could use some coffee."

*~*~*~

Jeff looked up as he heard Chad coming down the hall—actually Chad was moving noiselessly, it was his entourage that was noisy. Nails that needed to be clipped back clicked against the wood surface as they walked down the hall.

Bisou was leading; Chad followed her into the kitchen. Whether it was nerves or sudden shyness, Chad stopped, his head bowed almost timidly.

Jeff was about to stand, move in order to help, but forcibly made himself stay where he was. Knew that'd be the last thing Jeff would want, if it'd been him—for anyone to play nursemaid, and he'd bet Chad felt similarly. Tilting his chin, he pointed to the coffee. "Fresh pot. There's cream or milk in the refrigerator. Otherwise everything else is there on the counter."

Chad didn't say anything, just moved. Bisou came over him and sat at Jeff's feet while Chad's dogs waited.

Jeff took in Chad's gait; the slight shuffle, his movements stiff making unclear if the shower had helped. Jeff also noticed Chad had changed into his own clothes similar to the sweats in that they were deceptive and baggy. Enough so that Jeff suspected Chad chose the outfit to hide the extent of his thin frame. Weight loss Jeff believed probably had to do with Chad's broken engagement as Jeff recalled his own broken engagement, of how easily he had lost ten pounds living on cigarettes and coffee. It was something Chad would have to address as Jeff had seen Chad's startling thinness, there was no doubt that the boy needed to eat, or he'd start looking like the Olsen Twins' brother.

Once he fixed his coffee, Chad moved over to sit down opposite Jeff at the table. His dogs sprawled out, one on either side of Chad's chair.

Neither said a word as they continued to sip their coffee.

Finally Chad looked over, and asked. "So…your place?"

Shrugging, Jeff confirmed. "Yeah, it's close enough to the studios and close enough to the hills, without actually being _in_ the hills."

Jeff watched as Chad ran his tongue over his bottom lip, pausing when he felt the swell. Then he audibly swallowed, gazing at Jeff as he asked, "Last night…" Chad stumbled on the rest and Jeff could see he wasn't exactly sure how to ask, or possibly what to ask.

Jeff looked down into his coffee, then his gaze shifted back to Chad, his voice lowered, gentled into almost a tender caress. "Do you remember?" Chad held his stare, his eyes narrowed into slits, almost accusingly. He noticed when Chad's eyes shifted as if he was remembering, or trying to, his mouth falling into a frown. "I…. Bits." Swallowing hard, Chad looked away, then closed his eyes in frustration.

Jeff waited. Didn't want to push him, allowing Chad to move at his own pace.

Taking a sip, almost as an afterthought Chad asked, "Chris, he was there? Wasn't he?"

Slowly Jeff nodded in answer, and waited to see what else Chad remembered or would admit that he remembered. Helplessly Jeff watched as Chad's eyes widened, his breath hitched, his reaction clearly indicating that the memories were racing through his mind. Emotional pain etched across Chad's face, the vulnerability evident.

Jeff wanted to move, to do something, anything to take away the depth of Chad's pain. Flashes of last night only added to his helplessness and the growing empathy Jeff felt.

Slowly coming out of his self-imposed shock, Chad asked. "Megan?"

"No. Well, not all of it." Taking a sip Jeff continued. "For a little thing, she's a real spit-fire. Kept calling your cell. It shows she called more than a dozen of times, sometimes leaving messages. I wasn't going to answer, was about to just turn it off, but then I thought it might be an emergency." He laughed quietly. "Like I said, pure spit-fire. Completely laid into me - thinking I was you, of course." His caught Chad's eyes, lips smirking enough that Chad could easily interrupt the language Megan had used. "When she realized I wasn't you…" Tilting his head, Jeff didn't bother hiding his amusement as his lips stretched into a wideass grin that had him chuckling as he recalled her threat to GPS his ass. "She got a bit bent out of shape."

The question was bitter, accusatory. "So you told her?"

His laughter dying, Jeff glanced back, more somber. "Not exactly. She's not someone you can mollify. I did tell her you had too much to drink and gotten into a fight, and ended up on the wrong end of somebody's fists." He paused, shifting his eyes away, swallowing, as he forced himself to not think about the details of what he saw. "That Chris and I got there, but that you were in pretty bad shape, so I took you to my place."

At Chad's silence he glanced back, saw the dazed blank stare, too similar to the one Chad had last night. Avidly watching for any reactions Jeff kept talking. "I told her about the bruises, that it was obvious you had been in a fight. Why I brought you here, away from paparazzi cameras. She agreed, thought it was a good idea." Jeff worried when there was still no reaction. "It was early when she called. We talked, I offered up my place for you to recover. So she packed up a few things," he glanced down to Joe and Axel, "including those two."

Suddenly Axel moved, understanding he was being referred to and barked happily. Instantly Chad responded, his hand going out and cupping over Axel's snout, fingers easily moving as they slid and scratched under Axel's chin. Axel lifted his chin allowing Chad better access, basking in the attention.

Jeff bit back a chuckle, overly pleased that Chad was responding. Megan's insistence that she bring his dogs—he'd have to thank her next time they talked. She was right. Though it wasn't just his own dogs that Chad responded to, but also Bisou. Obviously Chad was a dog lover, if not an out right animal lover.

Jeff took notice when Chad's fingers stilled, and looked up to see Chad was trying to say something. "I…. thanks." Shaking his head Chad added, "No man, really, thanks, but I couldn't too much of an imposition."

Jeff shrugged. "That's the beauty of it all - you won't. I have to leave tomorrow. Have a flight to New York, at least a week there, reshooting a couple of location shots. Then I'm off to Puerto Rico, where production's already started on my next project, _The Losers_. Gonna be gone two months, minimum. Meaning you can have the place to yourself—if you want?"

Chad stared, eyes widened in shock, apparently at a loss for something to say. Then shook his head. "I couldn't, it's your place…"

Jeff held up his hand. "Hold on, don't get me wrong, I have an ulterior motive, a few requests." Pleased when Chad nodded, Jeff continued, "First Bisou. I can't take her with me. I've had to restrict any extensive traveling since her surgery. She's good now, but the traveling is hard on her. If you stay, I'd like you to take care of her, walk her daily. No running. She misses it, but the surgery was on her hip, so there's the need to minimize any overt activities. So basically, housesit and care for Bisou." Jeff watched as Chad absorbed what he had said, and nodded to himself when it appeared Chad was considering the offer. "Even if it's only for a week or two, just for your face to clear up." Jeff stood, and opened a counter drawer, pulling out a pad, tapping it. "Not that you have to, 'cause you can stay regardless, but if that's the case then I'll need to call Peggy. She usually takes care of Bisou when I'm gone. If it's only for a few days and you want to leave before I get back, I'll let her know that, then you can just give her a call before you leave." Jeff held up the paper, leaving it on top of the counter easy for Chad to see. "She's local; her number, address, and email are here." Leaning against the counter, he waited.

"Alright, so what are the other requests?"

Nervous, Jeff took a deep breath, and reached into his pocket pulling out the business cards Chris left him. "You can stay regardless. But…"

Obvious suspicious, Chad asked, "But?"

Jeff stepped closer, dropping the business cards in front of Chad. "But I'd like you to seriously consider…I think you should talk to someone." Jeff watched as Chad stilled, staring down at the cards. "Just think about it. Chris checked them out. They're off the grid, discrete, and specialize in abuse."

The hard scrape of the chair's legs sounded as Chad suddenly pulled away from the table, standing. His body was rigid, his anger fuming as Chad got into Jeff's face. "It's none of your _fucking_ business."

Jeff stared back. "Really? Before or after you were almost raped?"

Chad jerked back; his face blanched white, words fumbling out his denial. "I wasn't, I wasn't rap…"

"Raped?" The wordwas out before Jeff could stop himself. "Last night, no. We got there in time…but there was no one to save you before, was there?" The implication of what Jeff was suggesting was clear. Chad shook his head, his body trembling.

Jeff cursed, his voice lowered to that pitch he had used before to calm Chad down, his words steady. "You're safe; it's not going to happen again." Chad met Jeff's eyes, frantically searching, Chad's stare imploring for answers. Jeff swallowed, his voice reassuring, solid, even-toned. "It is okay, you're safe here. No one knows, not even Chris. I just want you to seriously think about it." Jeff waited, suddenly conscious of how close they were standing. Jeff wasn't sure if Chad was aware of their proximity and that he had moved, until he now stood in Jeff's personal space. Chad didn't reach out, but he didn't move away either. Jeff purposely held his position, allowing Chad to dictate what he wanted or needed. Even if Chad couldn't or didn't know how to voice that need, and distance didn't seem to be the answer.

Relaxed, Jeff waited.

Chad wavered; his body leaned in closer, soft touches of Chad's body brushed against Jeff's chest. It was Axel who broke the moment, barking when he heard someone pulling up. Joe and Bisou followed suit. Chad moved first, stepping back, nervously raking a hand through his hair. Even as Chad turned around, Jeff could hear him curse, muttering to himself that he needed a smoke.

Jeff didn't bother to pretend that he didn't hear Chad. "You can, you just have to smoke outside. If you need any, mine are on the counter behind you. I'll be back in a sec." He didn't wait, but went after the dogs barking in chorus at the front door.

Passing the front window, Jeff saw it was UPS. Not needing a signature the guy had left the package by the door. By the time he opened the door, the guy was climbing back into his truck. Jeff easily waved his thanks; the three dogs milled around his legs finally trailing off on their barking. "Alright back up." Absently, he picked up the package, his thoughts still on Chad. Heading back into the kitchen, seeing Chad wasn't there, he peered outside only to spot Chad leaning against the rail on the back porch, staring out at the view, a cigarette half burnt in-between his fingers.

Putting the package down, Jeff grabbed his cup and poured another cup of coffee, before he went outside to join Chad.

"It was just UPS." Chad barely registered he heard. Jeff spotted his cigarettes next to the ashtray which contained the lingering snuffed out smoke from the butt of Chad's cigarette. Putting his coffee down he pulled a cigarette from his pack which he quickly lit and inhaled.

"What time do you leave?"

Jeff shrugged. "Flight's at three. Richard, my agent, is gonna pick me up about eleven thirty. Should get into New York before midnight. Night shoots, so I don't have to be on set until three o'clock, Monday."

"You're sure you want me to stay?"

"Wouldn't have offered - especially if my girl didn't like you." Jeff looked down only to find Bisou lying down, her head on her paws, Joe beside her. Chuckling, "She doesn't take to just anyone."

Turning, Chad squatted down, then just sat. One hand carded over Bisou's head, caressing so that she crawled closer into his touch. The other hand Chad offered to Joe, leaving both dogs greedy for more. Jeff stood there watching as Axel tried - though ineffectively - to push his large frame into Chad's lap, not that Bisou and Joe were having any of it as they continued to playfully block Axel's way. "You're good with them."

Chad's head bounced in agreement. Taking a deep breath then exhaling, he looked up, squinting against the sun. "The requests, any others?"

Jeff nodded, pulling a chair toward him flipping it around so he could straddle it. "Just three more. First," He took a drag and raised his cigarette, "no smoking inside. Not that I've been here long, or that she comes down that often," he shrugged a bit embarrassed to say it, "but I promised my mom."

The only indication Jeff had that Chad heard him was the slight nod in his direction.

"Second, you need to call Jared." He couldn't see Chad's eyes, but noticed Chad's hands had stopped moving. "He knows something happened. Not what. Chris got my number from Jensen after we left. He didn't say anything though Chris mentioned they seemed to already know that something was up." Jeff took another drag. "They know you're here. Jared's left me more than a dozen messages. I called him early this morning… left a message that you were okay, but he needed to give you some time. He hasn't called, but knowing Jared, I'm not sure how long that'll hold. He really needs to hear it from you."

Chad didn't say anything, but he started petting both dogs again.

Jeff wasn't sure why, but something made him wonder and ask. "Something happen between you two?"

Laughing, Chad snorted, his tone bitter, "Between us? No."

Licking his lips, Jeff stared at Chad. It was evident that something had happened between them, but it was also apparent that Jared was a topic that Chad wasn't going to discuss.

Chad interrupted asking, "The third?"

"The basics. Get the mail, usually it's junk mail, but periodically I get personal mail, from friends and family that have this address. Also you'll need to use the pooper scooper when you take them out. They're strict about that around here. I don't get the paper; never home long enough to bother. A few plants inside and out to water. Have a few neighbors that get a bit irate if you blast music, or if they're outside," he pointed to Axel and Joe, "and have started barking non-stop. You especially don't want to piss off Ms. Douvett. She's two streets over, but seems to have sonic hearing – it's best to just avoid her. Bisou, she's not a barker, at least not without reason, but every once in awhile, you might be hard pressed to find her reason."

Curious Jeff watched as Chad leaned in closer to Bisou. Could see Chad's hands moving, cupping the sides of Bisou's face, could hear the soft timbre of Chad's voice. Though he couldn't make out what Chad was saying, only that Bisou approved of whatever he said as she licked Chad's face.

Though Chad never confirmed or declined the invite, Jeff wasn't worried. Instead Jeff was grinning, crushing out his cigarette, and leaned forward on the back of the chair to just observe Chad's interaction with the three dogs, especially Bisou. Animated, Chad showed an exceptional comfortableness around Bisou that eased Jeff's mind, a practiced ease of playing with all three dogs, of catering to each dog in equal measure.

They stayed like that for a while in a comfortable silence. Only the scuffled noise from the dogs, the natural wonders of nature surrounding Jeff's backyard, and the occasional distant sounds of cars settled into background.

*~*~*~

The calmness was almost surreal, as opposed to the drama from last night, or this morning before it had eased into what became a pleasant, leisurely day.

Nearly an hour later Jeff stood and moved toward the bbq, quietly asking, "Getting hungry?"

Chad only shrugged.

Jeff countered, "I could fix soup if you don't think your stomach…"

Chad looked up, and smiled. "Naw, I'm good. Whatever you want to fix."

Jeff's eyes zeroed in on the disfigurement of Chad's smile. It was awkwardly sloped, due to his bruised fat lip. Jeff nodded, turning away as he tried to ignore the memory of how Chad's lip got that way. As swiftly as the memory surfaced Jeff's anger soared, clenching his fist against a tidal wave of emotions leaving him with a need to pound flesh, to extract revenge.

Suddenly needing to keep busy, Jeff moved to get the coals and lighter fuel.

As Jeff poured and fiddled with the coals, he causally called over his shoulder to Chad. "Had Chris pick up some dog food, and extra bowls. If you want to check it out…I have the bags sitting against the wall just inside the sliding doors." Putting the bag of coals down Jeff indicated the other side of the deck. "By the way, Bisou's water dish is over there. I usually fill it fresh every morning. You'll probably have to check more often with three of them."

Jeff didn't bother to wait for Chad's response, instead lit the coals, watching as the flame reduced to smolder. He glanced over to see Chad had moved and was refilling Bisou's water dish. Heading inside to fix the hamburgers, Jeff paused at the door. "I'll be inside if you need me."

Chad only waved him on.

Once inside the kitchen Jeff tried to compose himself, knowing that in the end working himself into a frenzy wasn't going to help Chad. Keeping busy, trying to expend his nervous energy Jeff dug out the deep fryer, plugging it in, and then added oil. Opening the refrigerator, he pulled out the hamburger, setting it down on the counter.

Heading toward the sliding door, Jeff opened it and leaned out as he spoke. "Hey Chad, yes or no on onions? Any spices I should be aware of?"

"Either, whatever you prefer, same with spices."

"Alright I'll be out in a few minutes." Refocusing on the tasks of making lunch, Jeff starting by creating patties. Once he had several patties shaped and ready, Jeff started to make a salad. A beep sounded, informing him the oil was hot enough to add the French fries. Grabbing the bag from the freezer, Jeff added half the bag, listening to the pop-sizzle of oil cooking the fries.

Popping the salad back in the fridge, Jeff headed back outside with a plate of patties to be cooked. Adding four patties on the grill, Jeff asked. "How do you want 'em?"

Chad was suddenly there beside him, hands in his pockets. Chad's head nodded to the abundance of patties Jeff had made. "Jesus, you that hungry, or are you feeding an army that I don't know about? Sorry, just one, medium-rare please. Not that hungry."

Jeff chuckled. "Figured I'd make a few in case, for tomorrow, or if you didn't mind 'em having any." Though Jeff didn't refer to them by name, all three dogs seemed to understand what Jeff had said as they moseyed over, obediently sitting down waiting patiently for scraps.

Chad laughed, grinning as he glanced down at the mongrels quietly begging. ""Nice to know I won't have to sneak them bites."

Hearing Chad's laughter helped Jeff settle back into enjoying the moment.

With the hamburgers cooking, Jeff handed the spatula to Chad to go check on the French fries. They worked together easily, the easy flow of small talk and banter flittered about as they moved. Questions of condiments were asked and answered while Jeff set the table outside with plates and utensils adding only condiments they'd each use, salt, pepper, and ketchup. On the last trip into the kitchen Jeff unplugged the fryer, picking up the basket of hot, crispy, French fries. Pulling the fridge open Jeff grabbed a beer for himself. Then yelled out to Chad asking what he wanted to drink, snagging a Coke when Chad yelled back.

Sitting down, they dug in with three dogs eagerly waiting for any scraps as they ate. In-between bites, humorous stories were exchanged about Joe, Axel and Bisou. Each took turns hand feeding bits of hamburger to the begging mutts under the table. Laughing, teasing, passing salt and ketchup, and then slipping easily into comfortable silences as if they'd had known each other for years.

Though things were running smoothly, Jeff couldn't help himself and was acutely aware of what Chad ate – and what he hand fed Axel and Joe. Not that Jeff was worried about the dogs having the hamburger. Jeff had cooked extra patties just for them, but Jeff had hoped Chad would eat more than he did. If Jeff ignored that worry and the reasons for Chad's bruises he'd have to admit he was enjoying himself immensely.

It continued like that for the rest of the day, their joviality so infectious that time just flew by. Sidestepping anything serious, not finding any hardship they each entertained the other and shared a steady stream of stories, experiences, jobs - roles past and present they'd played and lost. After lunch and cleaning up, Jeff gave Chad a short tour of the house, yard, and out toward the trails where Chad could walk the dogs after Jeff left.

They only walked toward the mouth of the path; though looking stronger than he did earlier, Chad wasn't ready to start running or walking the trails just yet. Once they got back, Jeff left Chad outside with Axel, Joe, and Bisou while he went inside to start packing.

It didn't take Jeff long to pack; he still hadn't completely unpacked from two weeks ago when he had initially arrived.

Once Jeff finished, he came out to find Chad asleep on the lounge. Bisou sprawled on Chad's side. Shaking his head, Jeff assumed when he glanced down at Joe and Axel, that Bisou was there because between the three of them she was the only one small enough to fit on the lounge beside Chad.

Jeff pulled up a chair and made himself comfortable. Joe stayed where he was, but Axel moved closer, resting his massive head on Jeff's knees. With both hands Jeff leaned in, fingers caressing over Axel's face, as he started to rub and scratch behind Axel's ears. Through hooded eyes Jeff looked past Axel over to Chad, Jeff's fingers slowly moving up and down Axel's coat. Chad was facing Jeff, eyes closed, his body curled toward him. The shadows of dusk filtered over them making it difficult to see Chad's shallow breaths.

Jeff's breath halted, as the sun slowly descended and a iridescent shine of light draped over Chad's body. The crown of Chad's hair shimmered gold like a halo; Chad's face softened in gentle sleep, from this angle the skin appeared unmarred. Though once Chad shifted, his hair fell like a shadow brushing over his eyes bringing attention to the mottled bruises covering Chad's lips and jaw. The images contrasted as quickly and easily just as Chad's movement did. The person Jeff knew - Chad was a study in conflict. Right now Chad was sound asleep on his lounger, and was so different from the person Jeff thought he knew, and it hadn't even been twenty-four hours. Even reminding himself that Chad was a victim of abuse, had suffered, didn't change the feelings of attraction he had toward Chad. Wounded, the word vibrated whispering in Jeff's head.

Silently arguing with himself, fuming that that wasn't the case, but even as Jeff disputed the thoughts he knew it was a lie. He had a string of relationships including two failed marriages to use as evidence that every time each person Jeff got involved with had one thing in common - they were either emotionally broken or needy, sometimes both. Jeff couldn't deny that a big part of him enjoyed helping someone, protecting them, of being the caretaker within the relationship. After two marriages, it was a pattern he had finally recognized for how unhealthy it was. It was a pattern he tried to break and what had ultimately broken his engagement with Mary Louise.

Despite those truths, it didn't change what he was already starting to feel for Chad. Thankfully Jeff was leaving tomorrow. He was grateful that he was there, could help Chad, but Jeff needed to keep his distance. Chad didn't need him to make things more difficult or any more confusing then they were right now. There was no doubt that Chad was wounded, needed help, professional help—that Chad had a long road ahead of him.

Suddenly Jeff's thoughts were interrupted by a ring he recognized —Chad's cell.

On the next ring, Jeff's eyes darted around trying to pinpoint the cell's location. Chad stirred, his hand digging inside his back pocket, pulling it out. Opening his eyes, Chad smiled as he saw Jeff. For a few heartbeats they stayed like, ignoring the cell. But it continued ringing, Chad moved and held the phone closer seeing the name displayed, he sat up frowning.

His eyes shifted back toward Jeff, as he said "Jared. I better take it."

Jeff nodded, gently brushing Axel's head off his lap and standing. "I'll give you some privacy."

*~*~*~*

Chad watched Jeff walk back inside the house then glanced back at the cell. He could just ignore it and let it go to voicemail, but Chad knew at some point he'd have to deal with Jared, that there was never going to be a perfect time. Flipping his phone open, Chad answered, "Yeah."

On the other end Chad only heard silence, and could only guess that he had surprised Jared by actually answering. Answering the unspoken question. "I'm okay."

Chad heard Jared's shaky breaths when he asked, "You're sure?"

Chad's tongue peeked out and ran over his fat lip, trusting that Jeff was right in that Jared and Jensen didn't know what really happened. "Hung over, but yeah I'm good."

He heard Jared's deep breath then exhaled. The words rushed, desperate. "I'm sorry, god… I didn't mean to…"

Worriedly, Jared continued rambling on. Chad closed his eyes, the chatter reminding him that he had walked in on Jared and Jensen kissing. It hurt. More than Chad wanted to admit. Chad felt like a fool even more so that that he was still in love with Jared. Mentally kicking himself that he had made a bigger ass of himself when came on to Jensen. Briefly, he wondered if Jensen had told Jared. Then he answered his own question, deciding that Jensen wouldn't say anything and hurt Jared like that. Though none of that changed the fact that Jared should have told him the truth. Interrupting whatever Jared was saying, "You should have told me."

"You're right! I should have from the beginning. I'm sorry, Chad I… I have no excuse."

The words _from the beginning_ , replayed in Chad's mind, and he suddenly understood what he saw, the intimacy between them. Even last night he had guessed they'd been together for a while, but now he suspected it was even longer than he initially thought.

The question was out of Chad's mouth before he realized he spoke, "When?"

A small gasp escaped Jared's lips, followed by a defeated sigh. "Since Sandy and I…"

Shocked Chad demanded, "Since you were with Sandy?"

Chad heard the plea in Jared's voice, a plea to understand. "No, after, but that's why she broke our engagement. She recognized what I was feeling for Jensen before I did."

But Chad didn't want to understand, he hurt and his voice was accusing. "That you were what suddenly gay for Jensen?"

"No, yes. I'm sorry, I know I should have told you, but it was so new and it all happened so fast. I didn't have a handle on it. Then I made excuses, tried to tell myself that what you felt for Jensen was just a crush, that you weren't ready to come out."

 

What Jared believed he felt for Jensen and there was the rub. Chad wasn't in love with Jensen, but Jared didn't know that. Chad wondered that if Jared knew the truth, would it change anything? But he had to be honest with himself – it wouldn't have changed anything. Because the one thing Chad knew for sure about Jared, is Jared didn't get involved unless his heart was in it.

Suddenly Chad remembered how Jensen had offered his friendship over and over, of how angry Jensen got when he came on to him—even thoroughly pissed, Jensen wanted to protect Jared. "You love him, don't you?"

Chad knew the answer even before Jared spoke. "Yes."

Chad chuckled, though it wasn't exactly funny, but it felt like a cosmic joke of irony that was his life—where he was always the wrong person that others fell in love with—Sophia, Kenzie. And here he was doing the same thing – falling in love with someone - Jared, who initially, was heterosexual and unobtainable and couldn't, didn't love him back, because Jared was already in love with Jensen.

"Chad?" Chad shook his head no, hearing Jared's concern, but couldn't answer as his chuckle turned into a bitter laugh, until Chad hiccupped and his studded laughter turned into a cough.

 ** _"Chad?"_**

Sitting up coughing, Chad waved his hand in front of his face, as if Jared could see the gesture before choking out, "Good, I'm good."

"You sound like anything but good."

Chad heard Jared's exasperation, could almost see him rolling his eyes, and could feel Jared's tangible concern. Taking a deep breath, Chad shakily let it go. "Honestly, I am. I will be."

Jared's voice lowered, "So are we?"

Thrown, Chad asked, "Huh? We what?" It took Chad a moment to get it. "You mean are we good?"

"Yes?"

Chad deadpanned, "Ackles, gonna make you an honest man? Scratch that, I'm sure it'll be the other way around." It was quiet, too quiet; Chad started to think the line had dropped. It hadn't. Frustrated, Chad cursed, "Fuck Padalecki, yeah yeah we're good." Then quieter he added, "We will be. Listen, I should probably go…"

"Chad, wait…"

Trying to be more lighthearted that he felt, Chad responded. "No really it'll be good." Swallowing, Chad lied, as he thought of Jared not Jensen. "It was just a silly crush, I'll get over it. Wasn't lying, really do need to go before the phone goes dead."

 

"Yeah, okay. I'll call you later…"

"Ah, let me call you okay? I just need a little time, but I promise I'll call you. Night Jared."

Chad didn't wait for Jared to say goodbye as his thumb pressed end call. Chad stayed still, sitting there staring at the phone. His finger grazed over the off button then pressed down, turning the phone off before he flipped it closed.

*~*~*

It wasn't until Chad glanced up, did he realize it was dark, noticing Jeff had turned on a patio light. Inside Chad could see lights on, and the flickering light of a TV. Getting up, he made his way inside.

He headed over to where Jeff sat on the couch with Bisou half on his side and half on Jeff's thighs as he petted her. Chad stood there waiting then asked, nodding toward the couch. "Mind?"

Jeff looked up. "No, course not, sit."

Chad did, slouching pensively, staring without watching. Before he knew it Chad felt a cold nose then a wet tongue licking his face. . It was Bisou. Chad turned, giving her better access; his hand gripped and started petting her coat as he smiled.

Jeff asked, "You okay?"

"Will be…" then Chad added, a bit stronger, "I will." As Bisou nudged him to continue, Axel jumped up also demanding attention. Laughing when Axel tried unsuccessfully to nudge his head in-between him and Bisou, Chad turned when heard Jeff's robust laughter as Joe jumped up, deciding to add himself to the mix.

At some point they all settled down to watch TV. Jeff had one side of the couch, Chad on the other; each had a dog curled up beside them with Axel taking the middle, too large to actually cuddle.

*~*~*~*

Out of the corner of his eye Jeff watched as Chad slowly nodded off. His body slumped further down into the cushion, sliding partially over Axel. They stayed like that until Axel got antsy and jumped down, leaving Chad room to spread out a little bit in his sleep, and he did. Stretching out toward Joe who, like Axel, jumped down, conceding the space to Chad. Jeff was about to get up and move to give Chad the couch, but suddenly Chad was there his head sidling up to rest on Jeff's thigh, his hand innocently settling closer on the inside of Jeff's thigh like a pillow, trapping Jeff where he was.

Jeff mentally berated himself as he felt his cock twitch and start to lengthen. Suddenly afraid to move that he would wake him, and after the assault, Jeff was afraid Chad might misunderstand Jeff's intentions. He was feeling like a pervert, even though Jeff knew he wasn't, that he'd never hurt Chad or anyone else abusively or sexually. However it didn't change that he had these feelings. The thing was, Jeff couldn't deny he was physically attracted to Chad. Had felt that attraction years ago when they first met, but he'd been attached and it had only been a surface attraction. Now, it was different. Inadvertently Jeff had seen beneath Chad's exterior, and Jeff would bet it was more than Chad had ever shown anyone.

Regrettably it didn't help that in such a short span of time Chad had unintentionally hit Jeff's buttons— to be there and care for someone, that Chad was a wounded bird that Jeff instinctively wanted to help.

Although it didn't matter, it wasn't something he'd allow to happen. Chad was too fragile, had too many things to deal with - he didn't need Jeff screwing things up further. No it was good thing he was leaving tomorrow. Though he couldn't hold Chad's hand, he'd be still helping by just being a friend, giving Chad the space and time that he needed to heal. That would alternatively give Jeff the distance and clarity to think.

Determined, Jeff silently cursed his body's reaction, willing his erection to go away. Picking up the remote he switched the channel to news, focusing his attention on world events instead of Chad who was still sleeping peacefully in his lap.

At some point Jeff dozed off, then twitched awake as Chad started squirming, Chad's head and body tried to burrow up onto Jeff's lap. Jeff looked down to see Chad's entire body was scrunched up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, tears running down his face. Recognizing it as another nightmare, Jeff didn't hesitate as he moved one hand to Chad's head, his fingers combing through Chad's hair in a soft caress. His other hand stretched out along Chad's body, caressing down his arm in soothing strokes in order to calm him down.

His voice still raspy from sleep, Jeff softly spoke. Repeating over and over the same cooing words and phrases he had used before, "Shhh, it's all right, you're safe, it's okay shhh…."

It didn't take long, as Chad settled back into a more peaceful sleep. Jeff finally stopped talking, but his fingers kept moving, gently caressing through Chad's hair.

*~*~*~

Waking up the next morning, though still a bit stiff and sore, Chad felt good. Stretching, as he sat up, alone, no dogs in sight. Squinting against the morning sun Chad looked around as he got up and moved toward the kitchen and the sliding glass doors figuring that maybe Jeff was outside. No one was there, but his bladder refused any further investigation, and he quickly moved toward the bathroom.

Once Chad finished his business, including brushing his teeth and washing his face, he decided his next stop was coffee, then he'd start to search. Passing back through the bedroom, Chad paused when he noticed the bed. It was the same as he left it yesterday, which meant that Jeff hadn't slept there. Suddenly he had an image of waking from a nightmare, of Jeff calming him, his fingers threading through Chad's hair, the security of being safe. Though Chad wasn't sure if it was an actual memory, the images were too fragmented and dreamlike. Either way the feelings provoked was a haven, the feeling of being safe, secure, and cared for. But he barely knew Jeff, shaking his head; Chad dismissed it as wishful thinking, a dream.

Going back out to the kitchen, he found half a pot of coffee still hot. After fixing a cup, Chad walked outside.

No sooner had he stepped outside than he heard barking. Turning to see Joe was in the lead as Joe and Axel ran toward him with Bisou and Jeff trailing behind them. They were far enough away, that Chad had enough time to take a quick sip before putting his coffee down.

Joe reached him first though he was too excited to stay still; he pranced around Chad's legs. Axel was on Joe's heels pushing Joe out of his way to greet Chad. With both hands Chad gripped Axel's face, curling his fingers into the extra folds of skin and fur, rubbing briskly, before his fingers moved caressing up and around Axel's ears. Then Chad patted down over Axel's coat before he pushed him away, to give Joe, who was now calmer, a similar greeting.

By the time he finished greeting both dogs, Jeff and Bisou were there. Chad frowned as Jeff unclipped Bisou's leash. Once unleashed Bisou walked to him; in turn Chad squatted to give her a proper greeting. Without looking up, continuing to pet Bisou Chad asked, "They didn't give you a hard time did they?"

Chad heard the inhale of smoke as Jeff lit a cigarette, before he responded, "Nope. They were actually good. You did a good job training them."

Laughing Chad looked up, "Not me - had to hire a trainer. You should have seen me with Ozzy. Granted, he was a puppy, but my lack of discipline training cost me several hefty fees when we were traveling."

"Ozzy?"

Chad shrugged. "He went with Sophia after we split." Chad glanced over to see Jeff's nod. Squinting against the sun, Chad noticed the casual stance as Jeff stood with his legs crossed leaning back on the patio fence.

"Hungry?"

Startled, Chad shook his head before the question actually registered. "I mean yes, a little." Then Chad looked at Bisou, and Joe who was demanding more attention. "Did they…

He didn't have to finish, as Jeff answered. "First thing this morning."

Looking up, as it had only just occurred to him and Chad hadn't seen or caught the time when he was in the kitchen. " _First thing_? What time is it?"

Jeff looked at his watch. "Just after ten." Stubbing out his cigarette, Jeff moved toward the door. "I'll start breakfast; introduce you to my specialty, omelets le Morgan."

His smile forced, Chad looked over and tried to sound chipper instead of the jumbled disconnect he suddenly felt knowing that Jeff would be leaving in little over an hour. "Sounds good. Need any help?"

"Naw, I'm good. I'll call you when you can set the table." Distracted, Chad nodded as Jeff went inside.

*~*~*~

The last hour, like breakfast, went by too fast. The omelets Jeff made, despite the little Chad had, were amazing.

Jeff had packed and was ready to go, his suitcase already sitting outside on the front porch. On the counter, Jeff left the pad with Peggy's number, but it also had held a list of all the other necessary and important numbers Chad might need: Bisou's local vet, and a string of utility and emergency numbers. Sitting on the pad were a set of house keys.

Staring at the keys, Chad realized he never actually accepted or stated that he'd stay. Though right now the point seemed moot. As it was, everything was happening too fast. Enough that Chad didn't have time to think never mind be worry about it. When Joe, Axel and Bisou started barking, Chad knew before he heard the car horn honk that it was time.

"Be right back." Jeff called out as he ran outside.

A few minutes later Jeff came back in, and then squatted down whispering to Bisou as he petted her. Looking back up, Jeff caught Chad's gaze. "You going to be alright?" he only waited a second before adding, "I could just call Peggy now."

He must have looked like shit as Jeff stood up, his stare intensifying, trying to read into Chad's soul. Nervous, suddenly needing to put on a front, Chad shoved his hands down into his pockets. His head bowed down before he glanced back up to Jeff then shifted away. "No, go. Do what you have to." Chad's eyes reconnected with Jeff's, this time maintaining the stare. His throat closing as Chad tried to voice his thoughts. "I don't know what…." Swallowing, Chad ached to look away, but steadily held Jeff's gaze. "What you did, you and Chris, you didn't have to. None of it. Then letting me stay, I… _**thanks!** "_

Jeff licked his lips like he was going to say something. Instead, returning Chad's stare, Jeff inhaled and gave a slow, jerking nod. They stood close, almost too close, but neither of them moved away.

Another honk interrupted. Jeff licked his lips again. "I gotta go. Richard's getting antsy, hates the traffic, but it's the only time I let him pitch a script I wanted to pass on." Almost sheepishly Jeff grinned, adding, "Cheaper then paying someone else to pick me up."

Chad smiled, and silently bobbed his head in agreement unable to swallow past the lump in his throat.

Chad felt Jeff's hand on his shoulder and looked at it. Felt the firm squeeze that had Chad fleetingly looking back at Jeff. "You need anything, call me."

With a final squeeze, Jeff stepped back. Chad watched as Jeff's hands caressed over Bisou's muzzle, up to her ears in a final rub. "Watch out for my girl and she'll take care of you. You too guys." Rushed, Jeff quickly brushed his hands over Axel and Joe's coats then was out the door.

Chad still stood there, long after he heard the car pull away.

*~*~*~

The rest of the day seemed to crawl by; it was after three when the phone rang. It was Jeff.

Hesitantly Jeff spoke. "Hey."

As casually as he could Chad answered, "Hey back." Thankful that Jeff couldn't see the wide grin he was sporting.

Chad heard Jeff's chuckle, realizing that maybe he didn't sound as casual as he wanted, but suddenly it didn't matter realizing that he liked the sound of Jeff's laughter, his voice. Abruptly all three mongrels seemed to know that it was Jeff on the other end and started barking in chorus their own greeting to Jeff before Chad was able to quiet them as he made himself comfortable and sat down.

Jeff laughed as he heard them. "You can give 'em kisses for me." Speechless, unable to stop himself, Chad's grin stretched wider as he listened to Jeff's voice ramble on. "Sorry, but I got a bit bored waiting around, my flight's been delayed. So I thought I'd check in, let you know I'll be getting in later than expected." Jeff paused. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's good…" Chad bit his lip as he almost added, _considering that he was already missed_. And Jeff _was_ missed, but knowing that was strange, irrational and good all rolled into one. Fact was Chad barely knew Jeff; he only knew him through Jared, as one of Jared's friends and co-stars. Though what he felt, the level of trust Chad had for Jeff - on the one hand it scared the shit out of him, but on the other hand it was nice not to feel so alone.

Jeff interrupted his thoughts. "Chad, you there?"

Startled, Chad answered. "Huh? Yeah I'm here." He felt ridiculous when he nodded.

"Oh okay." Their connection was clear enough that Chad could hear the airline's announcement that they were ready to start boarding. "Huh, guess the delay's over; they've started calling sections to board. I'd better go… Listen, I forgot to mention it before and I wasn't sure if you noticed, but the business cards… I left them by the pad." The shuffling of people around Jeff filtered through just as another announcement was called out.

"I… _excuse me_." Chad knew Jeff was addressing someone else in the background, could hear people milling about. He had the image that Jeff was getting in line, waiting to board. "Sorry, I have to go. Think about it, I seriously think it'll help—sometimes… " Jeff's tone gentled, "You have to take care of yourself, and things have to slow down. You just have to care enough to move one step at a time." Jeff paused a moment. "Either way, call me anytime if you want to talk, or even to just listen, well to me talk…."

Chad bit his tongue, unable to voice his thoughts about whether or not he was ready for therapy. Instead Chad nodded, internally relieved that Jeff had redefined his offer that he could call, so that he didn't have to make up an excuse. He was about to let Jeff know, when he heard Jeff swearing under his breath. Then he gathered from the sounds he heard that Jeff was already on the plane, shoving his bag in the overhead compartment and taking his seat. He heard a flight attendant telling Jeff he'd have to shut off his phone and Jeff's brisk response to the flight attendant. Sighing, Jeff addressed Chad. "I gotta go. I'll have to check in with you tomorrow. Don't forget to eat—bye."

The call dropped as Jeff had to click off, never hearing Chad's slow muttered 'bye'.

Shaking his head, Chad looked down at his fingers buried in Bisou's fur. "He'll call tomorrow." She barked in answer, Chad leaned down letting her lick his face as he agreed. "I know. Come on, let's go outside."

A couple of hours later it wasn't even five yet, but Chad was exhausted from doing nothing. After he fed everyone he stood there leaning against the counter staring down at the pad and the business cards beside it. Taking one card in hand, his thumb scraping against the edge, his chest was heavy, emotionally wrought at the thought of talking to anyone. How could he do so now? Chad had never told anyone, ever. Not anyone in his family, his dad, Rex. Sharon knew, he remembered fragmented bits when he had begged her to make it stop—to make _him_ stop.

Just thinking about, _him_ , his hands made Chad start to hyperventilate.

No one knew the truth, not even Sharon, who locked it behind blackouts. He never wanted to remember, and never felt safe enough … sadly not with Sophia, Kenzie, or even Jared.

Jeff knew, or guessed. Though it wasn't like Chad told him. No Jeff had walked in when he was being… _what_? His mind screamed, a moment later it silently answered, assaulted. He had been sexually assaulted and Jeff knew that. Had wakened him from a nightmare, knew he was… that it wasn't the first time, he knew or guessed what had happened before.

Shaking, Chad suddenly had all three dogs vying for his attention, licking his face. Belatedly he realized he was sitting on the floor, his heart racing as his panic attack slowly subsided. Unclenching his fist, revealing the balled up card, slowly Chad forced himself to stand.

It was never going to end; nothing was ever going to be right until he made it right, and pretending just wasn't going to work anymore. His breath halted, heaving, Chad grabbed his cell forcing himself to hit the numbers and hit send before he backed out.

It only rang twice before the phone was picked up. The voice was cheerful, business-like as she answered. "Hello, Dr. Asher's office, Rachel speaking. How may I help you?"

A choked sound escaped him.

"Hello, are you there?"

Chad swallowed several times then tried to talk, his voice cracking on "ah…"

Unfazed, just as cheerful as she answered, Rachel reassured him. "Take your time."

Chad poured a glass of water, his hand shaking nearly spilling it as he took a long gulp then tried to talk. "Sorry," taking a deep breath then exhaling Chad continued, "I was, I wanted to make an appointment."

Casually she asked, "New patient?"

"Yes."

"Alright, one second let me pull up…" Walking outside, needing a cigarette, Chad pulled one out lighting it as he took in a ragged drag. He heard her question him, "Earliest available appointment?"

"Please." Chad realized she was pulling up the doctor's schedule, scanning her computer screen. "How's tomorrow? I had an eleven o'clock cancellation, would that work for you?"

Chad nodded in acceptance, then added, "Yeah, yeah I can do that."

"Good and your name?"

Only missing a heartbeat Chad answered, "Michael, Mr. Michaels."

"Alright Mr. Michaels, you're all set. Do you need directions?"

Chad glanced at the card still in his hand and read off the address, then asked, "Same place?"

"Yes on the second floor, Suite 205. We'll see you at eleven then. Thank you for calling."

Chad heard the click; flipping his cell closed, he took a long drag. Sidestepping between Joe and Axel, Chad moved to sit down at the table. Without thinking, his hand went out carding through someone's fur, acknowledging that he had just taken a step. One step. Inhaling then exhaling shakily, he conceded that tomorrow he'd try to take another step…

FiN~


End file.
